F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction Author

Comedy

Round and Round She Goes….

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English: Roller skating around 1905
Image via Wikipedia

This weekend my wife and I did something we haven’t done in a while.

We got funky.

We got wild.

We kicked it up a bit.

We…roller skated!

We literally hadn’t done this in some 20 years!

Now, some might wonder, “Gee, was it like riding a bicycle?”

Well, sure, if that bicycle had Wheels of Death  roller skates on its wheels.

Wheels of Death.

You think I jest, but it’s weird strapping wheels onto your feet and expecting anything to be “normal.” Counterintuitive. Asking for trouble. It’s worse than slapping boards on your feet and plummeting down a slippery slope of frozen water.

But, it’s fun!

Now, in all honesty, I did think I’d pick it back up again rather quickly.

Yeahhh…didn’t happen.

No…it took a little while to get acclimatized to the whole…thing. Fun, yes, but it didn’t come back as quickly as I’d imagined it would. Last I remembered, I’d picked it up rather quickly (which I do remember being wowed by, at the time, so it really must’ve happened…), and had been zooming around that rink 20 years ago like a semi-pro in near no time. This did not happen this time around. Of course, I could have been heavily romanticizing the past, too, but see parenthetical statement above.

In any event, flying around in circles, with all ages and abilities in what quite seemed like a Roller Derby kill zone was cool. As I watched those more experienced than I, I tried to remember, to emulate, the body motion, the technique. Once or twice I quite emulated a Looney Tune cartoon than an experienced roller skater. And, weird person that I am, as I’m doing all this, I’m also thinking Hey, this must be creating new neural pathways and renewed muscle memory, because it’s, essentially, new activity–something I haven’t done before, in that it’s been 20 years….

It was then I alternated between all four limbs flailing wildly about and my legs spreading wide into a into a Chinese split the hard way–an inflexible, flat surface also coming up right quick before me.

Okay, be focused and in the moment, and all, but keep the philosophical musings for non-life-threatening situations.

So, my wife and I skated around separately, because (in my own words) I told her “You don’t want to be linked to me, skating around here.” In true wifely fashion, she overruled me, grabbed my hands, and she (show off) skated backwards, as we skated in unison. Of course, my words did come back to haunt her, as, I think on our second pass, “something happened,” we lost our symmetry and what grace we momentarily revelled in, and she was quick to cut me loose. Couldn’t blame her. Was doing the same, myself.

Love only knows so much sacrifice, you know.

We continued our hour or so of skating, laughing and amazed at how much fun this was and why the heck hadn’t we done this more?, when the lights went up and our rink time was over. A little sore, quite excited, we left the rink. As we removed our Wheels of Death, we were both reliving the moments on the rink, hoping to do this again–sooner–some day. We went out to eat afterward, both admitting to not admitting how sore various parts of our anatomy were…but genuinely happy they were. It was our badge of honor. No pain, no gain, maaan.

BTW, neither of us fell.

Have To…Have To…HAVE TO…!

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You have to do this, have to do that.

Have to….

I understand that yes, there are some things that “have” to be done to get other things…done. But it seems to me that all these “Have Tos” are really piling up.

I may not have to write a book, but if I do I have to do it right.

I have to outline all I write.

I have to not only do a blog…but have to do it a certain way.

I have to post every day.

I have to be on all social media (not just one or two, but all of them).

I have to be an expert on all social media.

I have to own a cell phone.

I have to have a smartphone.

Have to respond to e-mail within a certain immediate timeframe.

I have to volunteer my free time.

I have to do all marketing and promotion if I get a book deal.

I have to get the right publisher.

I have to not use those publishers who buck the system and aren’t traditional in their methods.

I have to be everything to everybody.

I have to HAVE TIME TO MYSELF.

And do we wonder why everyone’s so dang stressed, depressed, overworked? Not smiling any more? Curt with everyone?  So frigging spun up all the time and hooked on all manner of stimulants…and depressants?

Hey-zoos Chris-tos! What the hell’s the matter with all of us?!

Very Few Eureka Moments Left….

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A Wired article recently announced the demise of one of my favorite shows: Eureka. Now, sure, Eureka’s just a show, and there are far more important issues to deal with, like keeping a job, having enough money to live on, and spending billions of dollars on investigative space probes in the face of trillions of dollars of governmental debt, and all…but, dang it, I’m gonna miss Sheriff Carter, Fargo, Taggart, and the rest of the crew.

In the article we are told that it was a purely numbers game (and I have heard that the ratings were “so-so”), something the characters on the show could well identify with, given their fake-life’s fake-work, but I sure wish those in charge would re-examine their decision. I’m no exec, nor a scheduler of shows, so I don’t know all the ins and outs related to all this, so I don’t know that I can really take issue with how things are gonna go down. If the numbers are low or aren’t great, then to the chopping block it goes…but maybe if those who run the show take a look at some of the items in the article to save the show, its ratings could go up. True, the stories aren’t exactly great in-depth knockouts (but they are entertaining, and there’s little things like it’s always about the demise of Global Dynamics or the world, and something usually ends up involving Carter’s vehicle in a destructive way…), but, man, the characters, they truly are some of the best on television! Colin Ferguson’s comedic timing is incredible.

The numbers.

Costs too much to produce, ratings are low. Economy sucks.

Not much you can say about that.

But I truly wish someone in-the-know would come up with one of their own bonafide Eureka! moments and figure out a way to “Imagine Greater” and out of the box to save it.

Come on, Eureka, invent your way out of this one….