F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction Author

Comedy

Find Your Soul Paint!

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http://youtu.be/72KbaWQi0eQ

Once again, my “Renaissance Man” brother has a new set of commercials out. Love the whole “soul paint” concept! He’s the commentating, red-vest-sporting, paint-wearing guy that might remind one of Kevin James. Or Greg Dorchak. And, yes, that was real paint dumped on him. Milk-based paint, not that lead-based stuff. So…okay, maybe he’s not a real tough guy. It was only milk. Based. And he got a rash.

Woo.

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Out of Signal Fluid Are We?

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One day, looking out over a major shopping mall’s parking lot from several stories up, I noticed a curious thing:

crossroads
Where to? (Photo credit: Lori Greig)

Maybe one in twenty (“twenty’s” as good as any number; pick ten or a thousand) drivers actually used their directional indicators to signal they were making any turns.

You have got to be kidding me.

I watched people exiting other parking lots in the area—same thing.

Of course, one can clearly see this on the road.  You’re toolin’ along all nice and pretty like, windows and moon roof open, radio blasting, singing along to your guilty pleasure Rhianna tune (We found lovvvve in a hooopeless placcce….), when—out of nowhere—another vehicle is suddenly two-feet in front of you.

You utter your favorite expletive and associated hand gestures, are unceremoniously yanked out of your Rhianna Zone, and reach for your M20a1B1 Super-bazooka, only to suddenly realize it’s in “the shop” for maintenance.

WTF, you cry?

Why-the-alphabet-soup is it that one of the simplest, least-energy-sucking moves a human can make are not routinely performed? I mean, I see big bruiser dudes in Super Duty four-bys, tatts covering their tree-trunk arms, not flip that little wand on the steering column as they whip their testosterone-laden tanks out onto streets.

Does it take that much energy? Do they really need to save it up for their MMA cage fight that evening? Or, are, they, too, in their own, private “Rhianna Zone,” and simply forgot?

Well, I recently came into another reason for why this phenomena is so prevalent. I’d never considered this one, but it would certainly explain the rampant exhibition on today’s byways. It’s because of all the turns we make out there on the road, and the stock reservoirs simply are not large enough.

They’re all out of signal fluid.

A Christmas Story

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Merry Christmas to one and all!

And to those who celebrate any other holiday within this timeframe, I wish you all the very best and all the same well wishes!

But…what does Christmas mean to me?

A Red Ryder-carbine-action-two-hundred-shot-range-model-air-rifle-with-a-compass-in-its-stock-and-a-thing-which-tells-time.

I have no issue with the religious celebrating Christmas as they do…I just do not share your religion.

But.

I still enjoy the season just the same!

I’m not of the traditional religion. Nor non-traditional. I’m just not…”religious.” To me Christmas means peace. And joy. Among other things, it also means being with family. Enjoying their company, and their company enjoying your company. It’s the spirit (yes, “spirit“) of giving—and receiving. It’s reliving Christmases of old…experiencing Christmases of new. It’s enjoying many people enjoying (or trying to!) the season, and therefore life itself. Its people enjoying their own versions of Christmas, both religious and not. It’s one huge time of year where most people try to make a concerted effort to be a little…nicer.

Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, upon which the entire kid year revolved.

Okay, tackling you to get at the last Xbox 360 with Kinect or Kindle, or cutting you off for that parking spot as they spill their piping hot Starbucks into their laps, notwithstanding.

And I’ll take one day a year over zero any time (but I know the number’s quite higher)…with the optimistic hope that such behavior will carry over a bit more into their daily lives. I enjoy the spirit of everyone trying to be a better Human and hope that people will stop killing each other and politicians will start acting like the adults they’re rumored to be.

But, that’s not all.

It means watching my favorite Christmas movies! Eating my favorite Christmas food! Writing Christmas cards and letters! Christmas trees and all the trimmings! Colorful lights! Festive music! Admittedly, I look forward to seeing what others give to me (and, heck, yeah, it’s fun)—and look forward to how they feel about what I give them (this is just as much fun)! It’s the metaphysical “feel” of the season I try to experience in my own, personal, metaphysical way. I love the snow and hope for the proverbial “White Christmas” (as a kid, that’s what we had every year, no exceptions—upstate New York).

So, maybe I did a good enough job explaining what Christmas is to me, maybe I didn’t. But it’s my version, and allows for other versions to coexist. Christmas may have started for one reason (religious) or another (secular), but as is the case with other things in life, it has taken on more in its journey through the ages. It means many things to many people, but it all seems to join at various versions of family, peace, love, and understanding. Let’s all try to be so accommodating.

And a Red Ryder-carbine-action-two-hundred-shot-range-model-air-rifle-with-a-compass-in-its-stock-and-a-thing-which-tells-time.

Perhaps not.  But I love that movie–A Christmas Story. It’s one of my favorites, as well as It’s a Wonderful Life. So, go on, rent them. Watch them.

Just don’t shoot your eye out in the process.