F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction Author

Advice

What NOT To Do in Publishing

by

Oh, Grow Up. (image by Crimfants, http://flickr.com/photos/crimfants/327861820/ [CC BY-SA 2.0, http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)
Oh, Grow Up. (image by Crimfants, http://flickr.com/photos/crimfants/327861820/ [CC BY-SA 2.0, http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)
Okay, so I’ve been seriously writing since I was six…and since 1987 as an actual business…and I’ve heard a lot of what to do to get published. Heard all kinds of advice. Which I’m going to share with you, now. Kinda.

Yes, I’m going to tell you what not to do to get published.

And it will look strangely like what to do to get published.

It will.

But don’t let that fool you, because everything I’m going to mention here I’ve tried and am doing…and none of it has led to publishing riches. So, in the interests of informing my readership, I feel it my writerly duty to burst everyone’s bubble and tell you all that writing advice? All those “helpful” “friends” of yours?

They’ve been lying to you.

Yes. Lying.

And why are they lying (or is that “laying”) to you?

Because they can.

Because they’re already successful and they have to provide sound bytes. Publish or perish. I mean, really, how stupid would they otherwise appear if you came to them and you asked for advice and this was their reply:

Unpublished Person (UP): “Hey, F. P.!”

F. P.: “Hey!”

UP: “Um, do you have any sage advice for an unpublished writer such as I?”

<awkward silence>

F. P. : “Ummm, no. I got nuthin’, sorry.”

UP: “Really?”

F. P. “Really. Got nuthin’, kid.”

UP: “Not a @#*!$& thing?”

F.P.: “I’m at a loss for words.”

UP: !@$&+!

So, yes, they’re lying/laying to you because they want you to buy their books (aka “products”). They want you…to look up to them…feel them to be knowledgeable and pithy. Mostly pithy. They want you to continue about your day quoting them…talking about them to your friends—and even, yea, verily, blogging and tweeting about them.

You think they’re being nice to you?

Lending you a helping hand?

It’s all about promotion, my friend.

And that brings up another thing—“friending.”

They’re not your friend, no matter how many “likes” you both exchange over the Interweb.

But none of them can tell you that.

You see, they’re all part of a Secret Society that meets for a certain amount of time during a certain time. And they are in cahoots with their publishers and agents.

And they talk.

About you.

Cause it’s all about YOU buying THEIR books.

And obfuscating the truth to other Wanna Be’s. Because, if you’re a WANNA BE you’re not a WRITER. And to be a writer you become a threat to them and their income. There’s just that much less they’ll make if you join them…and they limit who may join their ranks. For each who enters…one of them must die…or join the Postal Service.

So, just like fitness magazines that need to publish articles to fill their magazines (BTW the real secret to getting huge, ripped muscles? Working out like a monster and taking lotsa steroids; forget about diets—none of them work), writers give out platitudes.

Okay, so now that I’ve warmed you over, here are the platitudes they will all tell you with their saccharine smiles and faux-concerend tilted heads…and none of this is true, because I’ve done-or-am-doing all of these things and none of it has led to any definition of the term “Publishing Riches”:

  1. Write every day
  2. Attend critique groups
  3. Learn the craft
  4. Attend Writer’s Conferences
  5. Network with other writers and publishing professionals
  6. Give stuff away for free
  7. Blog
  8. Tweet
  9. Go Indie
  10. Publish your short stories for free every week
  11. Allow pirating of your work because it’s all about promotion and you WILL GAIN other readers who WILL SPREAD the word about your work
  12. Do book signings
  13. Get an agent

There are many more things-to-NOT-do to get richly published, but I think 13 is an appropriate place to stop. 13 loops in a noose, 13 at the Last Supper, Friday the 13th (the ones with “Jason” in it). And now 13 things to NOT do to get published.

Don’t listen to anyone who throws “advice” your way on your quest for publishing riches. Nothing you do will get you richly published. Not even going Indie. It doesn’t matter if you ever learn your craft or start blogging three years in advance of your publishing goal. It matters not if your words sing…or sink. It’s all a conspiracy perpetuated at the highest levels of government—I mean publishing—and is completely out of your hands and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s all in the hands of the publishers. Or in the annoying fact that there are only twelve Friday the 13th movies.

12?

Really?

So, the Hell-bent-determined-of-you might well force…”C’mon, maaaan…is there any true, sage advice you can offer one-who-wants-to-get-handsomely-richly-published? You been around. You got great reviews. You know people.

“You’re.

“Published.”

Yes, by my own hand (like some other things…). Not another’s. I fell into the same trap as many of you, but I am breaking out and exposing the conspiracy and its conspirators for what they are—

Writers.

The rest of us are Wanna Be’s.

I, like many of you, followed their advice, but have seen it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter a flying fig if the writing is stellar or trash…you know your nominative case from a hole in the ground…or you “have” an agent…I’m telling you there is no spoon.

Advice?

Sorry. I got nuthin.

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