F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction Author

authors

The World's Greatest Writer

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In One Page. By Infrogmation at English Wikipedia on en his/her summary,
In One Page. By Infrogmation (English Wikipedia on en his/her summary, “typewriter keyboard, from nl wikipedia”; http://www.pdimages.com/X0022.html-ssi, [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
Enclosed is the really fake true story of the world’s greatest writer. You can’t get this story anywhere else—only from my scoop, and I’m willing to talk.

Wow, such hubris had I back in 2002 (I was actually trying to be funny, since this is the only intentionally funny story I’ve ever written)! I’d sent this to The New Yorker October 13, 2009, and the above was my opening line. I committed some other heinous atrocities in that cover letter I’ll not reveal, but, yeah, I’m sure I pissed of the editor and had my name put into some file of “Never accept anything from this person ever again. EVER.” Sigh. But I was trying to be “in form” for the submitted story. Probably explains why every other thing I’ve sent them fell flat. BTW, there are some definite publishing jibes in here that might also fall flat on those not in-the-know….

This story was originally published in Black Sheep #62, December-January 2005.

The World’s Greatest Writer

© F. P. Dorchak, 2002

 

“Well, have you ever actually met him?” the doe-eyed initiate asked.

“Uh, nooo, not actually,” the immaculately dressed author-in-white responded, “I’ve been told he’s rather a bit of a hermit, you might say.” The author-in-white nervously fingered his cane and white hat meticulously posed before him.

The young writer nodded thoughtfully, then added, “Okay. So, then, have you ever actually read any of his work?”

At this, the writer-in-white’s ego further deflated, upon which he grew visibly agitated. “Um, no, my dear, I haven’t yet had the opportunity. No one has—”

“Then how do you know he’s such a great writer?” pressed the young one, who held the older writer’s gaze firmly, her manuscript cradled loosely in her arms between them. The young one had not meant to pin the learned author to the wall, but was merely genuinely curious. “How can you say so much about him, when you haven’t ever read his work—or met him?” She furrowed her brow, patiently awaiting an esoteric, scholarly, response.

“I know it’s hard to believe, my dear, but it’s his reputation, you see. Did you know he doesn’t even use a computer? He uses a mechanical typewriter! The gentleman is simply… extraordinary. Exceptional. Have you ever personally met God? The Pope? No…you know of each through faith, through reputation. But that’s what this banquet is all about, my dear young one! He’s coming out, as it were! Don’t let your youth and impetuousness get the best of you! You are yet young—learn! Tonight, here, it is said that he will debut the opening pages to his Great American Novel! I mean, can you fathom this opportunity before you? The miraculous, metaphysical encounter we are all about to be granted? We are going to be the first to experience his words, his energy, his soul. His raw, unfiltered emotional fervor before they are all unleashed upon our common, illiterate, public—we…we are the privileged few. Savor this moment, my dear writer, for you clearly do not comprehend the enormity of greatness upon which you are about to witness. Mark my words: this…will never happen again. In any life time. My God, how I wish I were in your shoes, a lifetime ago, to start over my profession at a much higher place, indeed!”

And with that, the writer-in-white spun away on his heels from the neophyte in search of others with which to intelligently converse. The neophyte watched as the author-in-white discretely dabbed his eyes with a dainty white handkerchief, then quickly spirited it away, back into an inside lapel compartment.

Hugging her manuscript tightly into her chest, the young writer slouched off into a corner to ponder the learned man’s words, when another group of writers, editors, or agents made their way toward her no-longer-empty corner, though not inviting her into their conversation. After all, they did not know her and were too far along in their awe and adoration of I.M.N. Authier III, the unmatched, unparalleled, unequaled literary (and spiritual) prodigy to humanity who had emerged out of nowhere.

Well, Canada, to be precise.

Our young, impressionable writer overheard the entire story, as one of the group informed their newcomer on the miraculousness of what the author-in-white had just tried to impart upon her. This time, she heard…the rest…of the story:

There was not one person who could claim to have actually read a piece of Mssr. Authier’s work. Not even his agent. Mssr. Authier’s agent’s claim to fame was the divine opportunity of which she had been a part: the reception of his skillfully executed proposal package. So masterfully woven was it—and in less than one page—on the whitest and most defect-free twenty-pound paper with the cleanest, crispest TNR type that she immediately fell upon herself in a fit of hot, emotional blithering…which had so cleansed her being that her feline allergies had been summarily obliterated. Immediately, she’d called her estranged mother and apologized for everything cruel she’d ever done, or would ever do, including anything in all her future (or past) lives. Once she read her mother the letter, her mother likewise returned the compliment. The agent then immediately withdrew a sizeable portion of her investments and donated it to Readers Without Books and her top-two choices of battered parents’ shelters. Instead of staying home and reading through the rest of her slush pile, she flew out into the night to the nearest homeless shelter and spent the rest of the night assisting those who begged money for a living.

This, off the power of the esteemed Mssr. Authier III’s epiphianic proposal package (and on one page, no less!). Well, after she called Random House and read his poignant, moving letter to the company’s CEO, the CEO himself called Mssr. Authier, and offered him on the spot. He’d been very convincing. The CEO informed the esteemed Mssr. Authier III in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t take his offer, he was going to resign and take a bullet to the brain that very night. That it was his and his work alone that would make or break Random House—nay the entire publishing industry, sir!—and that it was his moral and spiritual imperative to not let Publishing fall.

Reluctantly, Mssr. Authier accepted.

Random House immediately put into motion a hundred-million-copy print run, foreign, movie, and audio book rights, and an emotionally blistering promotional campaign that rivaled D-Day’s 1944 invasion. Random House also sold a television series and coloring books for adults and children (grades one through four), to be included in the curriculum of all U.S. public schools. Europe was next.

Spielberg was awoken twenty-five minutes later and sealed an undisclosed multi-million dollar deal via The UPS Store’s faxes, securing Mssr. Authier’s signature. The exact fax machine used by Mssr. Authier had since been removed from service and bronzed.

Amazon.com took 110.3 million advance orders.

Mssr. Authier’s agent offered him her hand in marriage.

Dr. Phil asked Mssr. Authier for his advice on a secret, deeply personal matter that had been troubling him for years.

Phil Donahue disclosed a comeback to do one, really final this time, show with Mssr. Authier as the only guest.

Metallica penned a ballad in his honor.

So, as this new group of writers continued to chatter on about Mssr. Authier’s proposed deification, the neophyte found herself so emotionally overwhelmed, especially when certain lines from his proposal letter were refrained (now immortalized by the world and passed around like a veritable Internet Trojan and blowing up YouTube) that she found her soul uncontrollably expanding toward supernova detonation. And when she heard the title of Mssr. Authier’s proposed novel, she positively lost it and ran balling for the lady’s room, where she pulled out her meager manuscript and stared at it in weary, disillusioned judgment.

WWJD?

WWXD?

She grabbed her manuscript in both hands, her heart heavy with all the wasted time and effort she’d poured into this piece of no-name tripe, and viciously and maliciously began rending it into tiny, jagged, tear-stained shreds, amid spastic grunts and shrieks of soulless despair, tossed it into a pile in the middle of the lady’s-room floor, setting it afire.

The young neophyte then, amid the billowing smoke, floating ashes, and now-activated sprinklers of her snuffed manuscript, pulled out a pair of scissors and the razor she always carried, because she was, by trade, a hairstylist, and immediately set about shaving her head and carving Mssr. Authier’s initials into her scalp.

 

As the clock ticked closer to Mssr. Authier’s scheduled appearance, the entire Radio City Music Hall buzzed over his other ideas for other books. How could he possibly have created a series out of this concept, they asked? Surely his first book would drain everything a reader had to offer? Could a person emotionally survive the first book? Could the editor? Surely Random House would bring in a team of editors, in relay fashion, to take over when the previous ones simply could go no further. Counselors would also have to be brought in, so the buzz went, with fat severance packages to take care of these forever-spent editors who would be of no use to anyone else or themselves, ever again. Yes, Random House would have to take care of them, indeed, it would be their moral obligation to do so, in bringing this genius to the world, and many in this room were willing to so give up their lives to be on that editorial task force, emotional sanity be damned! Every lawyer in the country began to point out that Random House would also be liable to the public for their emotional sanity, as well, once the book hit the shelves, so a non-profit foundation had also been set up.

And what of the cover artist? The jacket copy writer? Marketing and promotion? Accounting? Was Spielberg even up to task? There was talk from his camp that after just storyboarding the film this would be his last project. Anything after this one would be parochially anti-climactic. Useless. With this film, he would have said everything he could ever possibly have to say in this lifetime or any other.

(Unfortunately, Mssr. Spielberg had to decline invitation to the banquet, because he had been so passionately ravaged from production efforts that he had to abruptly seek psychological counseling. Mssr. Authier sent his well wishes.)

Random House, taking the lead, had strategically pre-positioned counselors throughout the convention center, counselors who had, however reluctantly, because they understood the need to do so, shield themselves from Mssr. Authier’s words with the most advanced ear-protection technology available. Nothing was left to chance!

Then it happened, and for just a moment the entirety of Radio City Music Hall fell quiet, as if each person collectively inhaled for the first time since their arrival. The words

“He’s here!”

shot from a watcher posted at the entrance and immediately three women collapsed and five men spilled martinis about themselves.

In no time, Mssr. I.M.N. Authier III’s motorcade pulled up before the convention center and security flooded the gathering. When Mssr. Authier III finally graced the gathering, (amid floods of marriage proposals from both genders) it was as if God Him/Her/Itself had descended from Heaven. Mssr. Authier, dressed in a comfortable tweed sports jacket, with tastefully adorned elbow patches (no self-respecting author would be caught dead in anything else) and sporting his rimless glasses and a calm, soothing smile arrived and was the epitome of graciousness—but was also quite embarrassed. Not only had he no idea his name had already been submitted for both saint- and knighthood, but he also had no idea at the scale of what he’d spun into motion with the delivery of his (one-page!) proposal.

Yet he remained ever gracious as he shook hands and took a genuine interest in all whom he greeted—asking how their children and relatives were doing, did they have jobs, and if not, please, do give him a call, and he’d see what he could do about it, and would they promise him that they would get enough sleep before going back to work on the morrow?

Then one, without warning, wildfire-swift whisper erupted throughout the banquet:

Where was the manuscript?!

Had he come without his words?!

Were they all to be so-callously jilted?

Teased so hotly, only to be summarily slapped without so much as a kiss or a hug? Good God, what had happened? Was it…Writer’s Block?

The crowd again held its collective breath.

He somberly approached the podium, his smile evaporated.

Removing a handkerchief, Mssr. Authier paused, wiped tears from his eyes, then grasped both sides of the podium, stained hanky still clutched in one of his trembling hands. He voice wavered and cracked as he addressed the audience in his wonderfully accented, melodic French-Canadian dialect.

“Ladies and gentlemen…friends. I tried…to keep from…how you say?—breaking down—before all of you, here, tonight, but find…at the last, possible moment…that, mon Dieu!, I am unable to keep from doing so!”

Here he paused, again wiping tears from his hot, swollen face.

“My friends! Let me share with you what had happened to me last night as I flew into Kennedy aéroport….”

And with that, Mssr. Authier III launched into the most heartrending speech anyone in that room (or their progeny) had ever, or would ever, participate in. For two-and-one-half hours Mssr. Authier held the room in rapt captivation. Random House, foreseeing this, had trucked in boxes of Kleenex (TM)-brand tissues—unfortunately for Mssr. Authier’s attendees (and further adding to their emotional turmoil) his likeness was on the sides of each box, promoting his yet-to-be-written novel. People gave up their writing careers following his speech, devoting their lives to the Peace Corps or Green Peace. Half of the counselors working the banquet took early retirement (including those wearing the most-advanced-technology ear protection devices; though they couldn’t hear a single utterance, they didn’t have to…each felt and experienced the emotion that had taken complete hold of that audience that magical evening), and entered therapy themselves. Those with outstanding traffic warrants turned themselves in the next day and insisted upon a minimum of one year of community service for evading the law in paying those fines. So overcome with exhaustion was Mssr. Authier himself at the conclusion of addressing his audience that he had to be assisted from the stage and escorted directly to his awaiting motorcade, where a saline IV drip awaited. Mssr. Authier was submitted for the Nobel and Pulitzer prizes for his oration.

Mssr. Authier later reluctantly agreed to a special interview with Barbara Walters, whom he also brought to tears (at one point they all, including the 20/20 staff and operators behind the camera, were all blubbering unabashedly together on national TV, and it was the first time an entire five minutes of weeping was nationally televised without commercial interruption), where the following was made public:

Mssr. Authier had made the decision, since sending out his (one-page!) query and making his convention center debut that he would not write the proposed book in question. As an aside, Barbara (and she apologized in advance for having to bring this to his attention this way) informed Mssr. Authier that his agent, having been scorned by his lack of amorous advances gave up agenting and had left for India to devote her life to the poor and destitute, vowing a life of celibacy. Following another crying spat, Mssr. Authier used this as an example and was further quoted as saying that after having witnessed the effects of his words upon the world he had no choice.

The only moral and ethical thing to do was to not pen the novel.

The world was simply not ready for it. He was not ready for it.

The world (he cited tearfully) could not handle his words and he could not handle the world, after having seen the impact his letter and presence has had.

Barbara begged him to reconsider. Literally begged. But, no matter how heartrending, how needed, how emotionally brutal and true his proposed book he maintained he could not in all good conscience do it. It wouldn’t be fair to humanity.

Mssr. Authier also decided to return all his advance monies that he’d kept untouched (in a separate numbered account) despite Random House’s vehement objections. He deserved every penny, Random House countered (with several of their A-list authors also having offered up their own advances and royalties so Random House could make the author advance). Mssr. Authier said thank you, and donated all that had been given him to world hunger organizations.

And, finally, Mssr. Authier vowed to never, ever, propose to pen another book…ever again.

At this point Barbara lost all composure and decorum and pleaded with him to reconsider, as did her producers and a camera people.

But he held firm and declined, laying a hand to her shoulder.

Following the interview, Mssr. Authier quickly disappeared into seclusion, never to be heard from again.

Spielberg’s film adaptation of his proposed novel that had never been written created box-office records that, to this day, have never been broken. Spielberg, as promised (and recovering nicely in extended therapy), quietly retired…donating all proceeds from the film to the International Red Cross.

Related Posts

What Does it Take To Release A[n Indie] Book?

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Besides the actual writing of the novel, there’s the publishing of it. The transformation from a manuscript to a book. Sometimes that can feel like it takes just as long as the creation of the manuscript (ms)! One of my friends and a reader told me she was amazed at what goes on in the background “just” to release a book—she told me she couldn’t believe everything that has to get done!

So, in honor of her (let’s call her “Edie”!)…this post. Below I’ve attached (as gracefully as I can in the ever-changing environment that is WordPress) my publishing checklist…but I’ll step though an overview of the process. For an overview of the overview, take a quick scan of how long this post is. Just sayin’.

In the traditional world, unless you’re releasing a book that begs immediate release for whatever reason (e.g., rich and famous and/or timely issue), it typical takes about a year (or so) to get all your loons in a row to release it. The steps I do are pretty much the same…I just don’t have the bankroll nor staff they (being “them”) have, so I make do with what I can and am lucky enough to have some stellar people who help out. I truly wish I could pay all of them for all their efforts (at the going rate), but that’s the reality of independent publishing: the kindness of friends and writing peers and the “poorness” of Indie authors.

But do be aware: it does cost.

Going Indie is a not a freebie enterprise. Sure, you can put out a cheap-looking, low quality effort, but you’re going to hurt yourself in the long run. And if you do finally gather your wits (and resources) about you and do end up putting out higher quality efforts…you’ll have that one (or three…) crappy effort out there unless you go back and redo what should have been done right in the first place.

Would you buy a poorly created book?

So, throttle back on the excitement and take a breath. Do it right.

Okay, you think you’re done with your ms. So now you need to take a break, right? Yes and no. Even before you’re done, it’s always good to keep your eyes and ears open for those you’ll be needing for the release of your work, and the earlier the better (and contacting those you’ll want to work with to see about fitting into their schedules is a must): you’ll need the following efforts “covered” (pardon the pun):

  • Cover
  • Interior formatting
  • Proofreading/copyediting
  • Blurbs (you don’t really need these)
  • Author photo (you don’t really need this)
  • Book reviews
  • Book creation: paperback/hardback/ebook
  • ISBNs
  • Library of Congress copyright copy
  • Book distribution
  • Promotion. Forever promotion….

Cover

For the cover I’ve used two different folks. I’ve used Karen Duvall, of Duvall Design, and Lon Kirschner, of Kirschner Caroff Design Inc. It just depends what kind of budget you have. Karen (and most cover artists, especially in the traditional world) doesn’t read your work and engages you from the very beginning. It’s very give and take from the get-go. I’ve known her for years and she’s a great person. Another great person to work with is Lon Kirschner. Lon reads your entire ms and comes up with the cover on his own. If there’s something about the cover that doesn’t quite work for you or needs tweaking, then he’s also more than willing to work with you until he gets it right. I love working with both these folks, they’re terrific people and do outstanding work! Contact them for their current rates and to get on their schedules. I know Lon’s been recently slammed with work.

Another note about cover: you need to present the most professional, high quality cover you can [afford]. People do judge a book by its cover. It’s usually the first thing anyone sees. The first thing one rejects. Compare what’s on the shelves and what’s professional quality against what you think you want on your cover. The harder it is for another to determine if your work came from a traditional publisher, the better.

Interior Formatting

Through a writing friend, I found Pam Headrick, of A Thirsty Mind Book Design. She formats your content (i.e., file) into the proper format to get it into that trade paperback or ebook. There’s a lot to do there, but it’s dealing with spaces and “code.” She works her internal wizardry so well and is also easy to work with! Sometimes we go back and forth for a couple weeks, depending on what the issues are—and they can be many and varied, especially Microsoft’s “overhead code” issues. On Voice we had a danged coding issue that literally kept rearranging words on a particular page—on its own. Oh, the Humanity! Pam finally had to delete the entire page and manually retype it! You definitely need to contact Pam early (however defined) and see what her schedule is and get on it—you can always shift schedules, but this woman is frigging busy.

Proofreading and Copyediting

Here’s where I rely on “the kindness of strangers.” If I were to pay the going rate of what these people do, it would run upwards of $3-$5K—at least that was the last going rate I’d research a couple years ago. I simply cannot afford that. Fortunately I’ve found people who love doing this kind of thing and wanted to help out. And if they were writers, I’d gladly return the favor. They’re readers and they love helping out “the cause,” and for that I’m eternally grateful! I just can’t thank them enough! So I pay in contributer’s copies: however many they need/want, I’ll send them (well, short of a truckload at at time, I only have so many resources you know…), and give them acknowledgements in my novels’ front matter (the front of a book before the actual story). So use those you find to their expertise: are they good readers? Good with grammar? Continuity and details? Do they read a lot? The important thing is to just get another set of eyes on your words. Some will give you in-depth detail and others will give you an overview. Both are great inputs. Edie is a huge reader and Mandy has written lots of proposals. Edie gives me an overall reader’s point of view, while Mandy gives me hell-on-each-sentence (okay, its not really that bad—but she knows her stuff)—which is as it should be! It’s up to you how you wanna run this part of things, but get others to read your efforts before going public.

Once you parse your work out to your readers, give a timeline…and allow for some slack. People are people and they have their own lives and issues do pop up. You don’t want to cut it so close that the rest of your release process suffers, you don’t want to overburden your proofreaders, and you don’t want to short-change yourself—or the work itself! The good part about all this is that is that you’re running it, so you create your own schedule. I’d say a month is too short, better two, depending on the length. It will probably end up being three. If it’s over 100K words, I’m betting it’ll take about three months for your in-depth redliner to “go deep”…and it gives that person or persons time to actually write this stuff up to send you. Reading is easy…communicating their comments to you takes time (and effort). Let them have it. If they’re helping you out, they want to do this.

One thing I’ve found in the creation process (while you’re still actively writing the story, way before sending it out for review and release) is to get to a point where your ms is in fairly decent shape, then read every word of it aloud. This is way before you think you’re “done.” I do that with all my mss. It’s usually around the third or fourth draft. There is so much you can catch, from pacing errors to misspelled words. You’d be surprised. Try it.

But, you’ll still miss stuff anyway and your readers will find them.

Blurbs

I feel you don’t really need these, but they don’t hurt. I was against them for a while because I’d discovered that many blurbers in the traditional world didn’t actually read the works they blurbed. Yeah, that floored me. I hope that isn’t the case anymore, but somehow I feel it probably hasn’t changed much. So, this is up to you. Those I’ve had blurb my work have actually read it. It doesn’t hurt, but last I read the jury’s out on who feel they’re legit and those who feel (as I did) that they’re B.S.

Author Photo

Do you want to include a photo of yourself on your book? I’m not big on that, but I’ve done it in two instances because it seemed “part” of the novel: on ERO I included a picture of me when I was a captain in the Air Force, because my novel was about an Air Force officer. It wasn’t a current shot, was over 20 years old, but it fit the story. I got the idea from a writer friend of mine who did it on one of his books. And in the ebook copy of Voice, I did it on the interior the back matter of the ebook, again with another near-thirty-year-old modeling shot of me when I was into modeling back in the 80s. It, too, fit the story, which deals with models and photography. I didn’t include it on the paperback hardcopy because I loved the clean look of the cover as Lon designed it. I didn’t want to mess with his simplicity of design. I probably could have included in on the interior back matter pages, but don’t think I thought of it until I was “done” with the paperback production and was into the ebook formatting later.

Book Reviews

This one should typically do some 4-6 months or so out.

Look, I’m just one guy…I simply don’t have the time to do all this stuff smartly. But this time I did manage to get two writers/reviewers to write a review of Voice, but it was only about a month out. I sent them electronic versions of the files. So, if you do find yourself in the position to do this, get someone (like a “Pam”) to do you up an “advance review copy” e-version and send it out to anyone you can find to give you a review. I’m not an expert in this area, so you’ll have to search the Internet for better information on this area of book release.

Book Creation

There are various way so of doing this, but I use CreateSpace for my trade paperbacks. Many “traditional” folk like to rail on against CreateSpace/Amazon…yet still use them for their own book sales. That’s hypocrisy. I like CreateSpace!

For now, I’m using them and I’m quite happy with them. And they had replaced a boxload of books that had been damaged and sent the replacements within days—yes, that same damned week!—and sent two more books that I had originally ordered. I have no beef with them whatsoever, so call them what you will, but I like them.

I use Smashwords for the ebook creation, with the exceptions of Amazon’s KDP (not KDP Select) and B&N’s Nook. I load these last two manually and do not use Smashwords for their distribution. I’ve been told that Smashwords lags behind in providing royalties on these last two distributors, though I do know Smashwords has modified its distro a bit (using Amazon’s KDP is about ebook creation).

It is still recommended that one not go with KDP Select. KDP and KDP Select are two different animals. Be careful when selecting these that you know what you’re selecting. I’m not going to get into all the reasons and have to not go KDP Select, I have to leave that up to you to research. This post is long enough!

I do recommend doing both a trade paperback and an ebook—if you can swing the finances (I’ve recently read that ebooks are beginning to lose traction). For a trade paperback you’ll not only need a front cover—but the entire wraparound cover. Cover rates should be different if you’re just doing a front cover.

Also, Nook requires a cover less than 2 MBs, so keep this in mind when ordering your files.

My checklist below has the steps and things to check out for in creating the actual books, paperback and ebook.

If you’re doing CreateSpace you’ll have the option of printing a “proof” copy. I highly recommend this…a couple copies. You’ll get a version of the book (you’ll have to pay for it, but it’s cheap) sent with “Proof” stamped on the last page, but you’ll actually see your book as it will be once released. You can always change things about your book after it’s published, but do it right the first time and get that proof copy. Review. Flip through it, checking for faded graphics, text placement, weird spacing, cover issues, et cetera, read it, if you haven’t recently or haven’t had others proof/copyedit it.

When you’ve entered all your ebook info, be careful it’s all correct, because once you hit that “Enter” a the end, that baby’s live!

ISBNs

ISBNs are different for ebooks and paperbacks.

At CreateSpace you have the option of different kinds if ISBN creation, and I always opt for the custom (see checklist below). For ebooks, the various ebook outlets have their own ways of doing business, so make sure you read the details and make sure you understand what it being said.

Again, you cannot use the same ISBNs for the paperback for the ebooks, and vice versa.

Library of Congress Copy

Always register the hardcover/paperback versions of your books with the Library of Congress. If you just have an ebook, you can register that, as well. The cost is minimal. Again, I’m letting their website do the talking, but if you get a copy of your book there within 30 days of release, you are afforded extra copyright protection.

Book Distribution

If you do CreateSpace, you don’t do traditional distributors, like Baker and Taylor. Your distro is Amazon.com. And though Amazon.com is not technically a distributor, they act like one.  If you do ebooks, like Smashwords, Nook, etc., you do all kinds of distribution. Check out their sites. So, if you want to get your physical books into bookstores, your best bets are indie bookstores or local used-bookstores…some are willing to take on local talent. Some Bigger Box/Indie stores will also take on local talent. I’m finding that the Bigger Box/Indie stores will consign your work, while the used books stores I’m dealing with usually buy your books outright. They’ve always been pretty easy to work with and will add a little to the buying price so you make some money.

Promotion

You’re never done. Ever.

As I’ve wrapped up everything else in the creation process, I’m now actually trying to actively promote Voice. But this never ends. I suggest creating—at minimum—a Word file and just begin adding and copy-and-pasting ideas and possible avenues in there as you go about your life. Links to newspapers,  reporters, ideas for tweets, bookstores, events, anything and everything you have even the vaguest interest in checking out and/or pursuing. Nothing’s “stupid” at this point. You can weed out later.

I created a whole list of tweets, then, through this Future Tweets site, programmed in all these tweets for Labor Day weekend. There’s also a kinda cool “flip the tweet” function, where the tweet is actually flipped upside down—I love that!

Many of us do have day/night jobs and cannot spend all day on this kind of thing, so all we can do is what we can do. Don’t beat yourself up over it, don’t kill yourself. Sure, there are indignant authors out there who’ll dump on you (if not in words…in tone and attitude—and, yes, I’ve met them) and your seemingly puny efforts because they are writing full time, or have a significant other who supports them so they can write…but if you’re that one who is working and writing…all you can do is what you are doing. Feel good about it and don’t go killing yourself over “having” to do something every second or at the expense of ignoring your family/significant others/your own health. Do remember your quality of life. You’re YOU. You’re not “them.”

BE you.

Note

When agreeing to book signings and the like, do make sure you both totally understand what is being proposed when setting up gigs…as in contacting local media and dates and times! Pay attention to detail and who’s supposed to do what.

And have FUN!

Okay, here is my checklist:

Prepping ms for Pam:

  • Convert to:
    1. TNR.
    2. Only single spaces, no double spaces.
    3. Single-spaced lines, no double spaces.
    4. No more than 4 lines of spaces (returns) at the tops of any e-book pages.
    5. For paperback books, make sure all the line returns to chapter starts are the same.
    6. E-book only: Add a space after all ellipses (3 and 4 dots), except w/in quotes, parens, punctuation (this may no longer be needed).
    7. Make sure abbreviated years are correct—use an apostrophe: “ ’78 .”
    8. Convert all dashes to M-dashes (N-, just be consistent).
    9. Check all sub-section spaces/#/***; standardize, check spacing, and center.
    10. Check all chapter and section numbers (1, 2, 3…) are correctly numbered.
  • Spell check—again!!!
  • Check for these words: http://sirragirl.blogspot.com/2014/04/collection-of-commonly-confused-misused.html?m=1
  • Ensure italicized text are properly italicized (including appropriate punctuation within itals).
  • Can’t have text “left/right-justified-at-bottom-of-page” kinda thing for ebooks (see ERO front matter for example).
  • Blurbs from other authors?
  • Add “Also by F. P. Dorchak” to front matter. See below.
  • Add family members to Notes/dedication?
  • Add others to Notes/dedication. Think.
  • Add cover graphic to title page.
  • Check any interior graphics for recto/verso placement.
  • Add websites and social media links to e-books.
  • Keep paperback clean with just “About” and website.
  • Bibliography?
  • When using Pam in formatting, it can take many iterations of PDFs to get formatting correct, because PDF keeps changing things we do not touch! It can take a week or two to iron out all the annoying shit PDF does.

Submitting ms to Smashwords:

Be sure you’re ready to do this, because once you’re done stepping through their upload dialogs, you’re published.

  • Select two categories of fiction.
  • Select all e-book formats.
  • Opt out of Amazon and Nook distribution on Channel Manager!
  • Assign ISBN! Do so before submitting to Smashwords!
    1. Impacts immediately getting into the Premium catalog.
  • Create any free Coupons.

Submitting ms to Amazon

  • Add self as contributor.
  • Try to add cover artist.
  • Try to add Pam for formatting.
  • Select 35% royalty.
  • Select price and set other country prices based on US price.
  • Consider Kindle Direct Publishing “Match Book” selection (readers buy a discounted version of your Kindle book, if they buy the paperback).
  • Consider KDP lending.
  • Keep Amazon description under 120 words so it’s all displayed and not truncated to “Read more” later….
  • Use Key Words: http://thefutureofink.com/sell-more-books-on-amazon/

Submitting ms to Nook

  • Get cover graphic less than 2 MB.
  • Add self as contributor.
  • Try to add cover artist.
  • Try to add Pam for formatting.
  • Nook automatically ties paperback versions to e-versions, but all titling and names, etc., have to be word-for-word, space-for-space perfectly matching. This presents a problem when using CreateSpace (CS), because CS does not like all-capital titles for their book accounts (e.g., ERO). In order to do all caps, you have to add periods between the letters (e.g., E.R.O.). This is not good, because when you release for publication, Amazon.com keeps those damned periods in the title for retail marketing! The actual title on the book remains your “ERO” title, but the displayed online title with your book, and any search engine hits only respond to the broken up title (i.e., E.R.O.), and not the actual title (i.e., ERO). So, effectively, there are two titles out there, and if people don’t know this, or don’t scroll down the Amazon search page, they won’t see the “E.R.O.” version of the book. I have contacted both CS and Nook about this. CS was nice enough to go in and link the two titles to each other, but you might have to actually contact them to get them to do this, but pointing out a loss of sales with the different titles, if people don’t know to scroll down the pages to find the related search of the other title. B&N/Nook also finally link the two formats together, but this took a long time.

When doing a CreateSpace copy:

  • Get paperback ISBN. Once ISBNs are assigned, they cannot be changed (but see “3,” below).
    1. “Custom” ISBNs can have a “fake” imprint name, like “Wailing Loon.”
    2. Custom ISBNs are also pushed to retailers versus libraries.
    3. If pick wrong one, delete entire “book” and restart that book’s account.
  • Choose “glossy” cover.
  • Interior Type: black and white
  • Paper Color: cream.
  • 6×9 format.
  • Interior Type: black and white
  • Paper color: cream.
  • When uploading book file, select that the “bleed” ends before the edge of the page.
  • Proofing: https://forums.createspace.com/en/community/docs/DOC-1481
  • Print proof copy:

If you do this you can’t approve your proofing until after book ships!

  1. Click on the title from the Member Dashboard
  2. Select “Order a Printed Proof” in the Review phase
  3. Update the quantity for the book
  4. Check your order; click “Check Out”
  5. Choose or enter a shipping address; click “Save and Continue”
  6. Select a shipping speed; click “Save and Continue”
  7. Choose or enter a billing address; click “Save and Continue”
  8. Enter the CVV code from the back of your credit card; click “Save and Continue”
  9. Review your order total, including shipping and tax; click “Confirm Order”

Your order is complete when you can see the order number on screen.

Once you approve this copy, it’s immediately available on CS, 3-5 days on Amazon, but usually is on Amazon the next day.

  • Titles: see #5, Submitting to Nook, above.
  • Revisions:
    1. It’s a little unnerving, cause you go back through all your other selections you made. You select either the cover or content, then proceed onward. You can just hit “Next” at the top screens, but you have options to change all your decisions. And now they have matte and glossy covers, so have to make sure you select the right one. Then you go through the same review process, with the review setup, send it back for the human review, and wait–the same process.
  • Add <your imprint, e.g., “Steffany”s Publishing Hut”> to:
    1. copyright page.
    2. spine/cover.
    3. Anywhere else needed.
  • Need any artwork on the interior of the book/front matter?
  • Add books to the front matter:

Also by F. P. Dorchak

Novels

Sleepwalkers (2001)

The Uninvited (2013)

ERO (2013)

Psychic (2014)

Voice (2015)

Anthologies

“Tail Gunner”:

The You Belong Collective—Writing and Illustrations by Longmont Area Residents (2012)

  • Add the following (updated) to the very back (check previous books):

About the Author

F. P. (Frank) Dorchak began writing at the age of six. He writes gritty, realistic paranormal fiction that delves into the realms of the supernatural, the unexplained, and the metaphysical to explore who we are and why we exist. Frank is published in the U.S., Canada, and the Czech Republic with short stories, non-fiction articles, five novels, Sleepwalkers, The Uninvited, ERO, Psychic, Voice, and the short story “Tail Gunner,” in The You Belong Collection – Writings And Illustrations By Longmont Area Residents regional anthology.

https://www.fpdorchak.com

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Going Indie — What I’ve Learned (So Far) — Quit Askin For Stuff!

by

Okay, so this is what I’ve learned over the past couple of years of what promotion I’ve been able to do for my novels:

  1. Stop asking for things!
  2. Creating “events”? Only for romance authors and/or people (aka “women”) with friends!

All the conferences and discussions I’ve had about what to do or not do in the promotion of one’s work usually hits upon the above two immutables. “Immutables” because I’ve always heard that you should always ask for readers to write reviews and that in getting book signings, one should create an “event” and not just sit around like a bump on a log.

Well, I’ve tried to employ both of these directives. And in both cases I’ve: 1) felt cheap and telemarket-y, b) felt more than I really am, as in do I fancy myself a “Rick Castle“?, and lastly…have been overruled by the location-in-question.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

  1. In today’s Day and Age, if people like your work, they’ll volunteer or actually just do the review. It’s a thing now, for chrissakes. Everyone reviews everything. They review the weather, their relationships, their own reviews. I’ve found that if I’ve e-mailed the question, people who don’t want to review your work will simply avoid the question altogether. Yup, they’ll just ignore you. It’s like my wife asking me to clean out the garage (again). If you ask face-to-face, “Sure,” they say they will…as their tone drops and they don’t look you in the eye and scratch behind an ear (or check their Galaxy Samsung for sudden phantom messages–“Hey, gotta take this text!“)…and you feel cheap for having had to ask. So, quit frigging asking for reviews! Okay, fine. I hated asking for them anyway.
  2. Events?! Who the <expletive> wants to come to an “event” to buy a book? In fact, who the hell wants to be in any way bothered by that guy or gal behind the imposing desk with a saccharin smile on their scared little face? Nobody knows how to write anymore—so a signed book? What does that even mean? If they want anything signed (“Uh, do you mean that verified/trusted electronic security certificate thingee?“) they’ll either swoop down from behind your position and shove an iPad into your face…or they’ll go to the quiet book shelves deep within the inner Sanctum Sanctorum of the store…find your book…then search Amazon or Nook and download it—thank you very much, Signing Person, for bringing it to my attention! Now, go—get thee away from me and leave me alone—I’ll go find it elsewhere and NOT have to physically interact with you…but, um, I will tweet I walked by your table (unless you’re off-the-charts hot or are a famous Romance Author with chocolate or brownies and a frigging rose-in-a-vase on your oh-so-cutely decored table)…. #AuthorAvoidance.
  3. It seems that most of the locations I can get into are small and cozy. I get that. Heck, I even really like that. I’m not into pomp and circumstance and never have been. Local bookstores do like to cater to the local author and will do what they can, but: 1) they’re small…they don’t have enough room for “events,” 2) they’re cozy and their clientele like “cozy”…they don’t do things that annoy cozy, and 3) see 1 and 2. Cozy is good. I like cozy! Why are you bothering me with these “event” questions?! What—my own? Maybe not. Locations that do do “events” are Big Box. I’ve never yet gotten into a Big Box. I don’t sell enough. I don’t have enough friends (keeping reading).
  4. Who the heck do I think I am, anyway? Richard Castle?

And as I’ve further considered the above items-of-interest, I’ve realized that I’d never heard any of these things uttered from, well—don’t shoot me, now—a guy.

Yes, a guy.

There, I’ve said it.

I’m not one of those who hammer on gender differences (am not a fan of those who do), but this really is quite pronounced and can be proven in a court of law. I’ve heard these directions uttered from legions of female authors (and most writers/authors I know are women…um, as are the agents, the editors, and well, you get the picture…). Usually somehow affiliated or associated with romance (friends, Romans, or Country…women…).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I always say more power to the author who can sell any of their wares, especially on a recurring basis. But, these romance authors are writing to an audience that is, well, there really is no other term for it—rabid—about their world. Their genre. <Expletive>, their authors! So, it comes as no shock to me that “creating events” and asking their readers to review their work is not out of line.

In fact, I was at a conference once (I wasn’t) and had seen (as far as you know…) where a romance author was in conversation with a rabid reader fan (RRF), had (“casually”) brought up the subject of reviews, and before the author had completed her sentence, the RRF had shouted “Done!“, arms thrust high into the air (nearly dislocating her shoulders—I saw the tears creeping out her right eye), one hand holding her Nokia like a Crusaders’ sword, shouting,”Reviewed! 5,000 likes!”

Or maybe I didn’t. Can’t remember. The Fog of Conference.

As to the having tons of friends part, that also is usually tied to women.

Sure, you say, guys have friends.

No. Not really. We don’t.

We have buddies.

There’s a difference. Guys don’t flock en masse to anything that doesn’t involve beer or sports, and still, we don’t “flock” and we don’t “attend events.” We just all happen to end up at the same place. At once. To drink beer. Yell. Fart, belch, and slap each other (briefly) on the shoulder and move on to the next beer. Quote sports stats. Where’s the BBQ?

Women are supportive of each other.

Men drink beer. Eat grilled meat.

So all this only works if you’re a woman, a romance author, or have tons of friends.

Or are Richard Castle.

Related articles

Going Indie — What I've Learned (So Far) — Quit Askin For Stuff!

by

Okay, so this is what I’ve learned over the past couple of years of what promotion I’ve been able to do for my novels:

  1. Stop asking for things!
  2. Creating “events”? Only for romance authors and/or people (aka “women”) with friends!

All the conferences and discussions I’ve had about what to do or not do in the promotion of one’s work usually hits upon the above two immutables. “Immutables” because I’ve always heard that you should always ask for readers to write reviews and that in getting book signings, one should create an “event” and not just sit around like a bump on a log.

Well, I’ve tried to employ both of these directives. And in both cases I’ve: 1) felt cheap and telemarket-y, b) felt more than I really am, as in do I fancy myself a “Rick Castle“?, and lastly…have been overruled by the location-in-question.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

  1. In today’s Day and Age, if people like your work, they’ll volunteer or actually just do the review. It’s a thing now, for chrissakes. Everyone reviews everything. They review the weather, their relationships, their own reviews. I’ve found that if I’ve e-mailed the question, people who don’t want to review your work will simply avoid the question altogether. Yup, they’ll just ignore you. It’s like my wife asking me to clean out the garage (again). If you ask face-to-face, “Sure,” they say they will…as their tone drops and they don’t look you in the eye and scratch behind an ear (or check their Galaxy Samsung for sudden phantom messages–“Hey, gotta take this text!“)…and you feel cheap for having had to ask. So, quit frigging asking for reviews! Okay, fine. I hated asking for them anyway.
  2. Events?! Who the <expletive> wants to come to an “event” to buy a book? In fact, who the hell wants to be in any way bothered by that guy or gal behind the imposing desk with a saccharin smile on their scared little face? Nobody knows how to write anymore—so a signed book? What does that even mean? If they want anything signed (“Uh, do you mean that verified/trusted electronic security certificate thingee?“) they’ll either swoop down from behind your position and shove an iPad into your face…or they’ll go to the quiet book shelves deep within the inner Sanctum Sanctorum of the store…find your book…then search Amazon or Nook and download it—thank you very much, Signing Person, for bringing it to my attention! Now, go—get thee away from me and leave me alone—I’ll go find it elsewhere and NOT have to physically interact with you…but, um, I will tweet I walked by your table (unless you’re off-the-charts hot or are a famous Romance Author with chocolate or brownies and a frigging rose-in-a-vase on your oh-so-cutely decored table)…. #AuthorAvoidance.
  3. It seems that most of the locations I can get into are small and cozy. I get that. Heck, I even really like that. I’m not into pomp and circumstance and never have been. Local bookstores do like to cater to the local author and will do what they can, but: 1) they’re small…they don’t have enough room for “events,” 2) they’re cozy and their clientele like “cozy”…they don’t do things that annoy cozy, and 3) see 1 and 2. Cozy is good. I like cozy! Why are you bothering me with these “event” questions?! What—my own? Maybe not. Locations that do do “events” are Big Box. I’ve never yet gotten into a Big Box. I don’t sell enough. I don’t have enough friends (keeping reading).
  4. Who the heck do I think I am, anyway? Richard Castle?

And as I’ve further considered the above items-of-interest, I’ve realized that I’d never heard any of these things uttered from, well—don’t shoot me, now—a guy.

Yes, a guy.

There, I’ve said it.

I’m not one of those who hammer on gender differences (am not a fan of those who do), but this really is quite pronounced and can be proven in a court of law. I’ve heard these directions uttered from legions of female authors (and most writers/authors I know are women…um, as are the agents, the editors, and well, you get the picture…). Usually somehow affiliated or associated with romance (friends, Romans, or Country…women…).

Now, don’t get me wrong, I always say more power to the author who can sell any of their wares, especially on a recurring basis. But, these romance authors are writing to an audience that is, well, there really is no other term for it—rabid—about their world. Their genre. <Expletive>, their authors! So, it comes as no shock to me that “creating events” and asking their readers to review their work is not out of line.

In fact, I was at a conference once (I wasn’t) and had seen (as far as you know…) where a romance author was in conversation with a rabid reader fan (RRF), had (“casually”) brought up the subject of reviews, and before the author had completed her sentence, the RRF had shouted “Done!“, arms thrust high into the air (nearly dislocating her shoulders—I saw the tears creeping out her right eye), one hand holding her Nokia like a Crusaders’ sword, shouting,”Reviewed! 5,000 likes!”

Or maybe I didn’t. Can’t remember. The Fog of Conference.

As to the having tons of friends part, that also is usually tied to women.

Sure, you say, guys have friends.

No. Not really. We don’t.

We have buddies.

There’s a difference. Guys don’t flock en masse to anything that doesn’t involve beer or sports, and still, we don’t “flock” and we don’t “attend events.” We just all happen to end up at the same place. At once. To drink beer. Yell. Fart, belch, and slap each other (briefly) on the shoulder and move on to the next beer. Quote sports stats. Where’s the BBQ?

Women are supportive of each other.

Men drink beer. Eat grilled meat.

So all this only works if you’re a woman, a romance author, or have tons of friends.

Or are Richard Castle.

Related articles

Platform?

by

Now, This Platform Has Legs! (By Tu Foto [originally posted to Flickr as Acrylic Heels] [CC BY 2.0 {http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0}], via Wikimedia Commons)
Now, This Platform Has Legs! (By Tu Foto [originally posted to Flickr as Acrylic Heels] [CC BY 2.0 {http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0}], via Wikimedia Commons)
Wow, how things can change!

You know, when I first heard “platform,” it meant “something you stood for,” like fighting school bullying. Even for fiction writers. Fiction writers were also told they needed “their platform.” And “social media” was nowhere in any of the definitions I’d heard. In fact, it was specifically called out as not being a “platform.”

Now I hear, “platform” is your social media stance.

Wow, seriously? How did things change so drastically? If you look at the two links, you’ll see Jane Friedman’s definitions are from 2012, and Jann Alexander’s are from June 2015 (with her definition coming from Karlyn Hixson, Marketing Manager at St. Martin’s).

So…as you can plainly see from Jane’s first sentence, everyone defines it differently.

But, whether or not the definition did change (it very well might have)…this new version of a fiction author’s platform actually makes far more sense to me…and in today’s Electronic Age, one I can’t really argue with…at least for fiction writers. If you have some other method to your madness in getting your words out there, more power to you!

And, feel free to be picky—you don’t have to do everything.

Pick what you feel comfortable with and focus on those. If you don’t want a Google profile because Google requires an electronic DNA sample, fine, skip Google. I mess around a lot in Twitter and post blogs (obviously), have an Author page on Faceplace, and frequent Pinterest. I also have a Goodreads and LinkedIn presence, but don’t spend too much time there (it’s primarily a matter of time). I really tried to put out a newsletter, but I just do not have the time not only to write the danged thing, but to format and mess around with layouts (yes, I’m sure once you get the layout, you just keep it, but still…). And I simply don’t have enough info to put into a newsletter. I put that info into my blogs.

So, if “platforms” now mean social media, hooray for fiction writers, cause if just made life a smidge easier—but don’t feel like you have to do everything or be everywhere at once. Create those accounts you want and focus on those aspects of social media you’re really good at. In other words, do as much or as little as you see fit.

This is a definition of “platform” that has some legs for fiction writers!

#Platform

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Starting A New Novel

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Heading Back Into The Woods.... (By Anne LaBastille, 1938-, Photographer [NARA record: 1422473] [U.S. National Archives and Records Administration] [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
Heading Back Into The Woods…. (By Anne LaBastille, 1938-, Photographer [NARA record: 1422473] [U.S. National Archives and Records Administration] [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons)
As I finish up Voice and consider which new novel to start, many thoughts run through my head. On the one hand, there’s the part of me that just chompin’ at the bit to get ready to start…then there’s this other voice that questions: can I do this again? Will it be as good as my previous efforts?

What do I want to spend the next two-three years of my life working on?

Yes, three years.

I write novels part-time, since I hold a day job. Now, I’ve managed to whittle a little off that over the years, so it’s more like two-and-a-half years, and I haven’t worked anything brand new start-to-finish since ERO, so, really, who knows how much more effective I’ve become. Voice, set to be released this summer, was originally written in 1997-1999. So, in the interests of readers like Mandy and Edie, I’m going to try something a little different…if it pans out. I’m going to try to do a little outlining. I’ve tried this before, and it failed. And by “failed” I mean I began just staring at blank screens and sheets of paper. It became too much like my tech writing life: work. So, I’d been blocking the outlining effort. Once I realized that and just organically began writing…just sitting down to the keyboard and writing whatever came to me…then it all worked.

So…I may try a hybrid approach and see how it goes…if it goes any faster. I know, technically, it shouldn’t be about getting things done faster…as long as the quality doesn’t suffer…but I really would like to get more efficient at putting books out! So, let’s look at it as being more efficient. When it’s all said and done, I figure were I to write full-time it would take me about a year to write what now takes me two-three. And, I really do like living the lives of most of my characters (not the bad guys/gals) and the story itself, so I’m really not in any huge hurry….

…in fact, as I write this…perhaps it’s become more of a habit than a necessity. After all, for most of my writing career the goal has always been to get a novel, any novel—just one—out there, for chrissakes. But, now, since I’ve gone full-monty Indie and have four-soon-to-be-five novels out, there is no urgency to hurry…to kill myself as it were…in getting these books out there.

And, if I (or my readers) really get antsy to release new work, I can always compile my better short stories and publish those…which is something I’ve considered over the years. That may very well happen, especially the more I think about it.

So, for now, I’m mulling over which project to start next. I think I know which one I’ll start…have actually begun looking back into it (it’s already partially begun, back in 2011, actually), but getting Voice out is still consuming my time and efforts (have to complete the back cover copy, incorporate Mandy comments, get the cover art done, format it for e-book and trade paperback—and keeping up with blog posts!). And, once I get it out there, I’m going to do my best in better promoting it and my other works. I know, all the traditionalists scream I should have already been doing all that months ago, but I never make things easy on myself and I hate being told what to do. I’m just me…trying to squeeze in writing and promotion into all the other things I have to do in a day…with little-to-no-real-budget. So, it is what it is, maaan. And the good thing about Indie publishing is that no matter what you do or don’t do, a book is not going out of print unless the world ends or the publishing arms goes under. So, new is new to readers who discover a book at the onset of its release…or years later. It really doesn’t matter. And I want to enjoy my life and significant other rather than burning the midnight oil and killing myself trying (like I used to) to complete a novel then hit every frigging promotional/marketing milestone dead on. I’ll get to it when I can physically get to it.

So, I guess I answered my own questions, huh?

Oh, by the way, I’ll be at the following events in Colorado Springs and Denver this year:

Colorado Springs Pikes Peak Library Publish Your Own eBook Panel, October 10, 2015

Denver’s MileHiCon47, October 23-25, 2015

I may be contacted at fpdorchak at fpdorchak dot com for review copies, interviews, speaking engagements, and whatnot. If you want some cover art.

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