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F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction (New Weird) Author

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AZ

The Grotesquery

April 3, 2015 by fpdorchak

The Thing, Middle of Nowhere, Arizona. March 26, 2015.
The Thing, Middle of Nowhere, Arizona. March 26, 2015.

As we started our return road trip back to Colorado (curiously enough) two events occurred that could have drastically altered what would follow (to play off “the dramatic” and my earlier dead bird post…), and are definitely “cousins” to the title of this post.

As we headed out of Green Valley, AZ, two of us wanted coffee. So, just before hitting the Interstate, we pulled into a McDonald’s drive-thru. As we’re waiting in line after ordering, a loud hissing and an emission of a “steam-like substance” erupts from our vehicle! We turn off the vehicle, turn it back on…and all is quiet. As we get our drinks, we ask about mechanics and are told one is literally behind us, on the other side of the road. A Mr. Automotive. Long story short, we find out a relay had gone bad, causing our A/C’s internals to “vent” as it did. Freon. Well, whatareyagonnado? as my paternal grandfather used to say. So, we hung out and got it fixed. But, toward the end, we’re thinking about who wants lunch (I do) and when (now), so I volunteer to walk across to the same McDonald’s and get us some grub (curiously, as we headed across the intersection, to the mechanic’s, I had a mental image of me walking across this intersection, heading back over to the shopping center…).

I leave the shop.

As I’m walking towards the intersection—which is quite busy—another clear image fills my mind…one of me being hit by a car in the middle of this intersection. Cockily, I mentally chide myself: “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen….”

The light goes green. I proceed across.

Intensely checking out all the traffic because of my “vision,” I make my way into the middle of the intersection—when this car comes screaming out of the shopping center I’m heading toward…on a direct collision course with—yeah, you guessed it—me.

I stop and turn toward the car—throwing both arms into the air in a “What the HELL?!” gesture, as I wait for the car to stop.

It does.

In the car I see a blonde woman in her fifties or so at the wheel. Eyes wide. I think she had brown eyes. Clearly, she has just awoken from her nap, or cell phone, or whatever thing she (and the rest of the world) is in such a damned hurry to get to/from without watching where she’s going…while flooring the accelerator. A common affliction I am seeing more and more of from all drivers. Her driver-side window is open.

She apologizes profusely.

I drop my arms. I smile. I continue on.

For the love of cheeseburgers.

Sooo:

1) Coffee saved our bacon from this electronic relay failure happening out in the middle of the desert (thanks, wife!), and

2) A vision I rejected from my reality kept me from remaining down in Green Valley. Or at least, parts of me….

Onward!

We leave the mechanic after about two hours (and a fun pinball machine—thanks, Mr. Automotive, for getting us in pronto and back out on the road!) and head northeast.

One of the cool things about road trips are all the neat, hidden tourist traps that exist out there. It’s kinda like that movie, Vacation (one of my favorite movies):

“Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes… or perhaps you don’t want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away.”

Or the House of Mud.

Or Dodge City, where you can go deaf from fake shotgun blasts across fake bars?

So, how about…The Thing?

What is…”The Thing” you ask?

No it’s not some frozen extraterrestrial creature waiting to be thawed out and eat us all (or is it?).

But it is a roadside attraction 17 miles east of Benson, Arizona and 40 miles east of Tucson, Arizona. Basically, out in the middle of nowhere (noted by the “miles east of” directions…). It’s a gas station. And gift shop. Oh, and a Museum. Where The Thing resides. And a way to get out of your vehicle and stretch your legs.

So, we stopped.

The Thing.

Now, my wife and Mom-in-law had already seen this…thing…they were just bringing me in on the fun. So, we paid our dollar-per-customer fare and entered…the lair…which took you back outside to walk between a series of warehousey building by following yellow-painted “foot” steps on concrete sidewalks. We went to three metal buildings, following these footprints, which (appropriately enough) ended back in the gift shop. In these three warehousey structures were all things that were “the thing” at some point in history…as well a crapload of driftwood art. Grotesque, creepy driftwood/root system art. Surreal. The stuff of nightmares, one could say. There were also a couple of torture exhibits I just didn’t get into…not that any of it was graphic…but just the intent…the notion of it was upsetting to me, especially since we were on a “quest for fun,” or, rather, were returning from said. Torture exhibits did not fit into that weltanschauung.

Anyway, there were some interesting things to look at besides the nightmarish tree root art, like antique cars, books, and a 1654 matchlock.

But, mainly, it was about the nightmarish tree root art and this “Thing.”

Note: the “green” of some of the images (below) was from the light illuminating through green fiberglass roofing.

Afterwards, as we munched DQ cones (did I write that out loud?), I asked the only guy at the front desk in the gift shop (there had been two others but they were now gone) about “The Thing.”

“Was it real?”

I just wanted to get “the answer.” The dude said he’d heard the owners tell conflicting stories (no doubt to fuel the whole “Thing” mystique…). One version was that “it” was found in the Grand Canyon. The other version was that it was…

Made by a company in California that makes things like this for places like this.

Okay, then.

Well, whatever it is, it got us out of our vehicle and got us to stretch our legs around this strange Compound of Weirdness out in the Middle of Nowhere, Arizona….

And it was only a dollar.

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  • Road Trip: Scottsdale, Arizona (fpdorchak.wordpress.com)
  • The Dead Bird (fpdorchak.wordpress.com)

Filed Under: Fun, Leisure, To Be Human Tagged With: Arizona, AZ, Bowlins, Driftwood Art, Gift Shops, Nightmarish, Radial Root Cyclone, Road Trip, The Thing, Tourist Traps, Vacation

Road Trip: Scottsdale, Arizona

March 30, 2015 by fpdorchak

Rockies and the Giants, Salt River Fields, Scottsdale, AZ, March 25, 2015
Rockies and the Giants, Salt River Fields, Scottsdale, AZ, March 25, 2015

Saturday, March 21st, myself and some family members set out on a Rockies Spring Training road trip to sunny, hot, Scottsdale, Arizona (a suburb of Phoenix). Temperatures were projected in the upper 80s and maybe 90 degrees. Those projections were met.

I love road trips.

There’s something cathartic—even metaphysical—about leaving where you live for, well, anywhere. To range out into the world. I love driving, but there’s also something to just watching the world go by as a passenger (the group of us switched off every couple of hours). Letting your mind, your thoughts, to run free. I did catch up on some reading in the vehicle, ran through a handful of magazines I hadn’t made it to at home—and no, I don’t have a smartphone, so kept my nose out of all-things electronic while on the road. I did check some social media while at our destination(s), but didn’t devote much time to that at all.

This was a vacation.

It’s always a little “weird” (my most-used word, according to my wife) when I go through Arizona. I went to Northern Arizona University (NAU),  in Flagstaff, and perhaps that has everything to do with it. NAU was my first time away from home…an 18-year old striking it out on his own for the first time, leaving family behind in upstate New York and Virginia—and I was ready for it! I still remember showing up after dark that August night, back in 1979, with a duffel bag in each hand and a pack on my back at Bury Hall…the start of the 36-year road trip that took me to where I am this very minute.

Wow.

So, yeah, maybe that does have everything to do with why it always feels a little “weird” when I return to Arizona.

Rockies and the Giants, Salt River Fields, Scottsdale, AZ, March 25, 2015
Rockies and the Giants, Salt River Fields, Scottsdale, AZ, March 25, 2015

Anyway…we drove with one set of in-laws in their own vehicle and met up with them at Holbrook to sleep (and eat…thanks, Mesa Italiana Restaurant! Excellent Italian! Admittedly, none of us expected to find Italian food here…), then, later the next day at Payson to again chow down (great food, Fargo’s Steakhouse!). After the Holbrook dinner the majority of us (someone had to drive the vehicles…) walked back to the hotel, then, the next morning took another walk over the same stretch of road before again hitting the road (one of the things I found on this walk will be the subject of another post…). Always feels so good to stretch one’s legs during road trips!

Upon leaving Holbrook and Payson we drove on to our destination of Chandler, Arizona, where we stayed through Wednesday. We had a great hotel that was about half an hour from the Salt River Fields at Talking Stick, out in Scottsdale (here’s location info, including the field’s layout). We took in a Monday and a Wednesday game against the Brewers and the Giants, respectively. Rockies won both, which was cool (“Let’s go, Rock-ies!“). This stadium was completed in 2011, which was also the first (and last) time we’d been there. I love this stadium. It’s oriented differently than most stadiums, allowing more shade for the stands than typical fields and just has a good feel to it…but don’t sit in section 104 expecting shade (seating graphic; for more shade, staying in sections 105/205 and to the west, but I don’t recall how far west [or “left”]; it could be as far as 117/217, but it’s a pretty sure bet within that range–but don’t quote me, and this is for late March!). That won’t happen until about the 8th inning [in March]. Parts of section 204 fared a little better, shade-wise. But…in section 104 (or in any of those front rows), you are only spittin’ distance from the players! So, lube up on the sunscreen, bring your hats and gloves, and enjoy the game!

Here’s a link describing the name, Salt River Fields at Talking Stick.

Top o' the Eighth, Three-Two, Rockies. Salt River Fields, March 25, 2015
Top o’ the Eighth, Three-Two, Rockies. Salt River Fields, March 25, 2015

Salt River Fields is a cool complex that houses 12 practice fields for both major and minor league baseball, as well as other events. They have a really nice Pro Shop, rest rooms (I call this out, because, well, you know, if you’ve ever been to any kind of a sporting event…and The Goldbergs recently had an episode that joked about this very topic…), and the parking isn’t really all that bad, unless you need assistance. The earlier you get there, obviously the better the parking, and if you need assistance there are golf carts running back and forth, though I noticed a significant reduction in the amount of the golf carts since our last trip in 2011. But, they are available, even if you end up parking way over at the Desert Parking Lot, like we ended up on our Wednesday game (the first game we parked in the Home Plate Parking). But, if in good health and don’t mind walking, none of the walks from any of the lots is very distant, and feels quite good after sitting in a car on the drive down from Colorado! But, overall, a beautifully landscaped and laid out baseball field!

Rockies and the Brewers, Salt River Fields, Scottsdale, AZ, March 23, 2015
Rockies and the Brewers, Salt River Fields, Scottsdale, AZ, March 23, 2015

Now, about the game…yes, just being able to kick back and not do anything other than eat brats, drink Mountain Dew (yes, PEPSI products, people!) or iced coffee (even a Dunkin Donuts!), and watch baseball…quite relaxing. Though, one does have to pay attention to the game, given fly balls and errant line drives are known to happen, just like in any game, and one is much closer to action, here, then, say, Coors Field, in Denver.

But I love it.

Weird Beer Guy, Rockies and the Brewers, Salt River Fields, Scottsdale, AZ, March 23, 2015
Weird Beer Guy, Rockies and the Brewers, Salt River Fields, Scottsdale, AZ, March 23, 2015

Sitting outside…hearing the crack of the bats…watching Cargo make his signature dives for the balls (and nailing them! It was so cool to see him do one of his “give up the body” dives in person!)…Tulo his airborne pirouetted snags and burns to First Base…the breezes, the smells, the energy…it’s what makes baseball baseball, and is so utterly distant from my normal days of always being in some kind of a hurry to get something done by yesterday. It’s not like watching it on TV, that’s for sure—it’s outside, in the sun and open air…and I love that. I’m not a gonzo fan, but I love the game (played outfielder as a kid…where I could enjoy being outside and alone with my thoughts—oh, yeah, and catch a couple balls in the process—or get nailed in the chin “in the process”…). We even met Weird Beer Guy, who was still hawking beer like he was four years ago! During the Brewers game, Weird Beer Guy was walking up the steps when he saw me on the end of the row, and gave me a High Five, because I was sitting at a seat that had empty peanut shells and spent beer tops under my seat (I don’t drink beer)…so it looked like I was having fun! I was. High Five, Weird (but funny!) Beer Guy!

We did some other stuff, like took in a small aquarium and visited a relative in the Tucson area; ate at some really good restaurants, like The Claim Jumper (good God, the plate of 12-or-14-inch ribs I saw on another table!) and the Old Town Tortilla Factory—both of which we all heartily recommend! After which, we headed home, on our return road trip…parts of which will be the subject of my next posts (a dead bird and a curious “grostequery”…)!

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Filed Under: Fun, Leisure, To Be Human Tagged With: Arizona, AZ, Baseball, Brewers, Chandler, Giants, Northern Arizona University, Rockies Baseball, Scottsdale, Spring Training

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