F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction (New Weird) Author

Comedy

The Animal

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The Animal: The Dyson DC39, Radial Root Cyclone™ Canister Vacuum
The Animal: The Dyson DC39, Radial Root Cyclone™ Canister Vacuum

And by “The Animal,” I mean the Dyson DC39 Animal, 275 AW, Ball™ technology, Radial Root Cyclone, HEPA filtered, canister vacuum cleaner.

Anyone remember Tim The Tool Man Taylor and his trademark simian-like grunts?

Well, earlier this year, we got one—and at a pretty good discount from Sears, of all places—and this bad boy mamajamma really gets the business done. I mean, it really makes you wanna vacuum.

I jest not.

Guys are somewhat visually oriented. Sometimes we’re also, well…a little “thick” when it comes to certain things.

Like vacuuming.

When my wife and I do the housecleaning, we divide up the duties. I get the honor of vacuuming. Now, I have to admit, I’ve kinda always liked “making things come clean,” I know, it’s a weird thing and some may beg to differ…but it’s true. I’m not obsessive at all about it (some may heartily agree here…), but I have my moments. Well, when informed that I really should vacuum every other week—perhaps even every week—I kinda, um—balked. Yes, balked.  We used one a those “closed canister” vacuums before…The Animal.

We’ll never go back.

One day, I thought, okay, I’ll vacuum the “every other week,” and I’ll see just how much is picked up by the Dyson DC39.  You see, folks, The Animal has a see-through canister, where you can actually see the dirt pile up, and—bonus!—it spins around really, really fast!  So, in essence, it’s kinda like a video game! And…since guys are largely visual in nature, we get to see the actual fruits of our labor—not to mention the 275 AW Ball™ and Radial Root Cyclone technologies—in action!

<cue Tim The Tool Man Taylor trademark simian grunt!>

Now, when I first grabbed hold of this bad boy, my first impression was not immediate love. It’s made of light plastic (it’s only 22.9 pounds). If you’re not flexin’ and strainin’ your muscles under the heft of at least a 30-pound slug, why bother, right? Where’s the substance to the equipment? But I have to say, it’s light for a reason, and that reason makes it easier to handle for those not ape-strong for the more anchor-weighted machines of yore. But, what really got my attention, and fast, what really absolutely, positively hooked me was its ability to pick up animal hair—pa-ronto. This thing is engineered to pick up animal hair and dander, and this baby delivers. What used to take me, say, 15 minutes…now takes me less than 5.

And when I checked the canister after just one room…the canister was full.

That means that what I’d thought was clean from my previous vacuuming was a bald-faced lie.

It wasn’t clean. Not even remotely.

But I discovered another fact: it was actually fun vacuuming with this piece of haut technology, cause it was so badass. It was quieter, faster, and easier. I could see the dirt…whipping around in the canister. It was now like I wanted the house to be dirty—really dirty—the dirtier the better, so I could go around sucking up even more dirt, seeing more dirt swirl around inside the canister, emptying the immediate fruits of my labor.

I…had become…a Hunter of Dirt.

<grunt!>

Me and The Animal against the soils of the world…roaming free on the untamed carpeted (and hardwood-ed) wildlands of domesticated terrain…alone with my thoughts…my hardware…my finely honed senses and skill…and a hungry HEPA filter.

And I was good at it.

I could say I “bagged” more than my limit at every outing—but there is no bag. Just that wonderful, see-through canister (ooh, isn’t she a beauty?).

So, if you can swing it, I highly recommend the Dyson DC39 Animal, 275 AW, Ball™ technology, Radial Root Cyclone, HEPA filtered, canister vacuum.

Carpets shudder with antici…pppa…tion…at its approach.

Class Clown Pictures—Interview with the Head Clown

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Today I’m interviewing one of the founders of a brand new film production company called,  Class Clown Pictures, headquartered in Texas. I’ve known him nearly my entire life. We both came from humble beginnings and have had to hone our wit to a fine and deadly Krav Maga edge on the mean streets of rural America to survive this crazy world, and though we’ve been separated most of our adult lives, I still know things about him, and tonight, I’m gonna dish—I mean interview him. He’s one of the funniest guys around (not the funniest, mind you, but, you know, he can hold his own, and, well, even make some money at it…). Him and the rest of the “two-guys-a-girl-and-no-pizza-place” have formed this company to “make funny movies,” and by “make funny movies,” I mean indie movies, and by “indie movies”  I mean—well…I don’t quite know what I mean, so I’ll let Greg Dorchak, Writer/director/producer/actor, tell his story. Note: when someone has all those positions listed after their name, it either means they’re multi-talented…or they can’t hold a job.

F. P. Dorchak: Good morning.

Greg Dorchak: I thought you just said “toni—”

FP: Now, just for the record and in the interest of full disclosure, you are my brother, correct?

GD: Do I have to be happy with it? No? Then, yes, I’m your brother.

FP: But you’re not my only brother, is that right?

GD: I am, in fact, the only one that matters.

FP: But you’re not my favorite.

GD: Immaterial. Continue.

FP: Who is my favorite brother? Do you know? Say it.

GD: My favorite is Brudda Iz; not sure about yours…but, I’ll bet he ain’t as big as Iz. Was.

FP: Say it. I want to hear you say it.

GD: Fuuuuuuuudddddgggggee. Okay, It’s me.

FP: Nope, you’re wrong—it’s me. So, I hear you’ve created a production company.

GD: Yes ma’am—Class Clown Pictures.

FP: To do what?

GD: Well, I’m married, so “to get chicks” is out. But really, I created it to basically “make funny movies.”

FP: What makes you think you’re qualified?

GD: Meh, who is ever qualified to do anything? However I have been an actor for many years, and a writer, and a director and a cartoonist blah blah blah…I think I know funny when I see it. I did stand-up comedy at 17, then improv, then got into film—I’ve been doing this for a LOT of years.

FP: So, you think you’re funny?

GD: Oh man, and how.

FP: Say something funny.

GD: Your mother.

FP: Really.

GD: Your mother.

FP: I have to admit that I did catch your stand-up act—in Vegas, no less—and loved how you rolled that drunk, afterward.

FP: OK…so, why a duck?  Tell us some more. Who are these “other people” I’ve never seen, and what are their “jobs”? Or are “they” all really just another Hollywood scam so you can pretend “Oooh, I’m a Big Important Producer, now, and you’re just a lowly tech writer….” or “I have a Casting Couch and you just have a widdle wiggly Yoga Chair,” or—

GD: Okaaaay….

GD: Well the other people, Tim and Shara, listed on the site are friends and work acquaintances, and we help each other out. Tim has been in the biz for a long time, he and his two brothers do Grade A special effects and CG (FP: here’s a link for some of their work). I’ve been in two of his films. If you have seen a super hero movie, or a monster movie, or a sword and wizard movie—they probably worked on it. Shara has been a producer for photography shoots, music videos, film, you name it. And we have an extensive network—

FP: And by “network” you mean “slept around”?

GD: —of other industry folk to fill out where we need it. This is Texas—you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone in the biz. And we have TRIED.

FP: Fine. Are there any specific types (e.g., slapstick, high brow, toilet humor?) of comedy you intend on making?

GD: Anything with a humorous bent: Romantic comedy, dark comedy, Dramedy, fantasy, family—anything that has a strong comedic/humorous tone.

FP:  Is Steve Martin going to be in any of them?

GD: You know I wanted to get him for one of our other projects—not sure if that will work…but I can has dreams.

FP: I really like Steve Martin.

GD: Me as well.

FP: Steve Martin’s pretty funny.

GD: Comedy is not pretty.

FP: How about Ben Stiller?

GD: Not so much.

FP: C’mon, put Steve in one of your movies!

GD: Give me 30 grand.

FP: You got my fifty bucks, quite whining. And, I’m still waiting on my T-shirt. So, you have any projects in the oven?

GD: Yes—our first one out of the shoot (pun intended) is one that I think a lot of folks can relate to, and so will have a huge following—it deals with one of the perils of home/property ownership: Homeowners’ Associations.

FP: Rat bastards.

GD: Rat bastards.

FP: I hear you like giving wedgies. Can you explain that?

GD: Well it’s like this: every studio out there has to start somewhere—and this is where we are starting. Even big studios have to find money somewhere—they just have more people to go to, plus they have a track record. We are a new company—though we have all been in the biz a long time. We have to prove ourselves, we have to build that track record. And that takes a weensy bit of money to start. I got a chunk of my own cash in it as well.

FP: Why should I give you money before you make the movie?  Doesn’t that seem…backward?

GD: Can I say “LOL” here?

FP: OMG!

GD: There ain’t no movie if there ain’t no money. We have to get the ball rolling. In indie productions, a lot of times if you can sign some name talent to your film, it is easier to attract investors (not to be confused with donations). But to get those actors, you do have to pay them something. That’s why we are asking for financial support at this point in time. You are a writer, yes? You have self-published a book, yes? You self-published to get a book in print to build credibility—for people to see your work. Is it easier to publish a book with or without money?

FP: The literary world ain’t so enamored with “indie” work as is the film world. But, wait a minute—then I’m again supposed to give you money once you make the damn thing? Hey—

GD: Well—ummm…yes…but, indirectly at that point….

FP: You think mom likes you best, don’t you.

GD: She told as much. MANY times.

FP: Well, you’re wrong—it’s Chris. So, tell us about your creative process. Does it really involve a dialog with your hairy-assed navel?

GD: My navel is one of the few people who really understands me. My creative process is really all over the place—like that video on my site (FP: see “Creativity Captured”). Sometimes I will go months with no ideas, then PWAMM, I get a bug up my ass—can I say “bug?”—and I go off at a tear for weeks and weeks. The one thing I can always count on though—is that I will have the ideas, and I will get the thing done.

FP: And that’s why you had Tim and Shara. To pick up your slack. You know, I got to drive the tractor first, when we were kids.

GD: You got to drive the tractor first because dad knew that was the best you were ever going to do. Plus, I played stupid for a reason.

FP: Yeah, and we all know what that “reason” is.

FP: You know, all those bruises you got when we were kids? They weren’t from me. You kept falling into things on your own. And—one time? I saw you hide in a closet and punch yourself in the face. Three times. True story.

GD: You know that time I said Crackers pooped in your pillow case…?

FP: Well, they have a name for “cutting” yourself; they should also have a name for beating yourself….

GD: That was out of line, Senator.  Wait a minute…are we talking about masturbation? Because I told you I thought it was a snake attacking me.

FP: Oooh, Comment approprié: a producer wrestling with his snake. Okay, any parting shots for our audience, Mr. Funny Man?

GD: Visit our site, www.classclownpictures.com—click on the “wedgie” link and please donate and or share the link with your friends and family—it will be so cool when the film comes to be a part of the process—brag to your friends—and when we do make it—we will take care of those who took care of us. Also, my IQ is eight points higher than yours, Frank.

FP: Well, eights point higher than nothing is still…hey, well…it’s been great having you, Bro—I mean, “Mr. Dorchak.” And I am older than you, so I will be looking forward to that “care” you talk about. Anyway, thanks for enduring my hard-hitting, Barbara Walters-like, no-holds-barred interview (Anderson Cooper would be proud). I truly wish you all the best in your Class Clowns Pictures—and I want my T-shirt. XL.

GD: It was fun being here, Frank. This was my very first interview as Head Clown; I hope I didn’t ruin your couch with my tears.

FP: NP. But you kept honking that damned horn during this interview and your big floppy shoes kept gettin’ in the way.

Portions of this interview were pre-recorded. None of the views and opinions expressed in this interview were from anyone important. This interview is not suitable for children nor adults. There is a one day limited warranty on this interview. No horses were hurt in the shooting of this interview, but some feelings might have been. I hope. I used the rototiller when we were kids and he never did. Oooh, he’s such a Big Important Guy, now! Eight points. He’s not smarter than me. He’s such a liar. But he’s funny. I’ve seen his Vegas Stand-up act, he was pretty good. Blah x 3. Copyright today. IMCCVIIX12.

Get Your Monday Laugh On—The Jovers!

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The Jovers, I recently discovered, were an hilarious husband-and-wife vaudeville-style act. When I watched this clip for the first time this past weekend, I laughed so hard my eyes watered! The strength and flexibility of these two are not apparent when you look at them! This clip is of a live performance at the MGM Grand, in Reno, NV—in 1980. Fe is now 83 and lives with her daughter, but her husband, Will, has since passed away.

Enjoy!

We’re All Gonna Die a Hot and Sweaty Death…

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So, you think you’re a fast runner? Can kick Olympic ass?

Then run…run for your lives! The rest of us will just curl up in a blubbering ball of fear in a dark, dank corner somewhere and await our fate.

We’re all gonna die a hot and sweaty death.

Terminators (see, they are real–Wiki has a page on them!) are among us and Skynet is falling.

It won’t be long now….

Reading This Blog is Subject to Terms and Conditions!

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English: Law - Books
Terms And Conditions for Accessing This Site (Law Book Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Where and when had we gotten so CYA? Was it just a way to give lawyers more work? The whole Internet thing seems to have given explosive growth to the now-ubiquitous legalities.

I went to download some new tunes the other day, and was informed that the terms of the Terms and Conditions (T&C) had changed, and I had to accept or reject said T&C to continue.

Good Lord, I just wanted new music, but now had to wade through a 1000 pages of legal jargon to do so!

OK, not a 1000, but still.

I canceled out.

“Legally,” all this stuff says, we have to read it all before accepting–but how many of us do so?

(Hand raised) I do.

Do you really know what you’re agreeing to? Are you certain there’s no embedded clause in there that says you’re not signing away your first born or your soul? Or worse, that “they” now have a right to track every little thing you do to “better market” to you (and you wonder why you have so many Viagra and lingerie ads…)? Oh, sure, there’s the now-standard “don’t do bad stuff to our stuff” jargon, but, really, isn’t that already part of existing law? I mean–and correct me if I’m wrong–but doesn’t existing law already make it a crime if you commit a crime?

When we visit a doctor’s office, do we have to sign T&C’s like these? When we talk to a police man or woman, do we have to sign anything? Drink from a public water fountain, buy groceries, or phone a friend–what do we sign? Don’t we all understand we could catch a disease, eat spoiled food, or our phone service could go down and our friend could give us faulty advice?

If we talk to a stranger on the street, or eat in a restaurant–where are our ubiquitous T&Cs we need to sign in order that we understand that if we throw a punch, poison the food, or defame a company or person, we’re headed for court and/or jail? That when we talk with anyone, what they say or do might not be exact or perfect or even correct?

When you stop by this or any other blog (and I do thank you for doing so!), you understand–it’s a given–that anything here is my opinion, and my opinion only, unless I cite sources. That I might well be full of shit, but I might also have something interesting to say. Perhaps I’m even (occasionally) entertaining.  My “Running Off at the Mouth” pretty much says it all, I think (though I just changed the subtitle to my blog header to put you and all the lawyers all better at ease), and thank your religious deity I don’t make you read and click off on any T&C every time you visit here.

So, those of you out there smarter than me on this stuff:  is all this jargon really needed?  Is it really necessary to inundate all our lives with yet more stuff that I’d wager most people do not read–yet are wholeheartedly agreeing to? If any of us break any law, if any of us misuse anything in the public or private disinterests, we’re all gonna be pinned to the wall and held accountable. Why the heck do we need to have pages and pages of legal jargon to wade through every time we access something on the internet?

Maybe we all just like the misery. Like being kicked in the face.

[Added Aug 31:] BTW, check out this related article from Kristine Kathryn Rusch.

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