F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction (New Weird) Author

Metaphysical

If Today Was Your Last Day

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What would you do if today was your last day?

Would you do anything differently?

Would you live every moment as if it was your last?

The sentiment of this question and questions like this are meant to get our collective asses in gear and re-evaluate and reboot our lives. To shed the unimportant.

Be kinder.

More understanding.

More loving.

More helpful.

Reconnect with what’s important to each of us.

Concerns like this usually hit people at funerals, job changes, divorces, and other major life changes. We reflect. Go internal. Wonder what has become of our lives…our passions…our goals.

Us.

We all get caught up in the minutiae of having to eat, sleep, and clothe ourselves…most of us feeling with have to “settle” for rungs of the ladder that fall far short of our lofty goals…then we fall into depressions…cultivate shitty attitudes…and grow into miserable old men and women nobody wants to be around….

But does it have to be that way? Is there a better way?

If today was your last day on earth, what would you do differently—and why aren’t you doing it now?

While each of us are still alive, we can always change our lives. It’s never too late. But (I maintain) it all starts with our attitudes. I’ve said this before, but everything exterior begins with our interior. We don’t just blindly take action to anything without first having an internal consideration: thoughts. So, to change our exterior, with need to change how we think. Our attitudes.

If we want a better life for ourselves, it starts with thinking differently about ourselves.

Sure, we’ve made decisions throughout our lives that have taken us to “this” point in our lives…but it’s never too late to change. To say “no” or “yes” and make a life (it doesn’t have to be “major”) change. We all have to do something while we’re walking or crawling this oxygenated rock orbiting an average yellow star…but, in the interim, we can effect changes to our lives by taking the first step inside ourselves. Changing our point of view about ourselves…changing the way we think about our lives, while looking for new avenues to explore. Being open to new opportunities that “suddenly and miraculously” present themselves, once we’ve changed our attitudes.

Life…if nothing else…is about change. So, why not have that change work for us?

But don’t look to others for those answers…for the answers to changing your own life…only you can do that. Each of us are the only ones who can change our own lives…and having more money or children or shiny new anythings won’t change any of that.

Giving things away isn’t the answer. Sending philosophical confetti upon the masses won’t do that—though makes for great music videos.

Understanding who you are…taking a concerted stock in your own life…

Feeling loved.

Loving others.

If today was you last day?

Make it the beginning of an entirely new life.

Sorry, No Sympathy

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WARNING: Read this blog wearing ear protection–the long ear plugs, not the short ones.

Sorry, No Sympathy (check out their website, here) is defined as a “metal, melodic/hardcore” rock band, based out of Laramie, Wyoming. Their members are:

Chace Corrigan (vocals)

Josh Kirchhefer (guitar)

Trevor Kuma (guitar)

Sean McGee (bass)

Blaise Turcato (drums)

If the “melodic” part confuses you, because you’re not used to the metal rock scene, then just go with “hardcore metal,” because they are.  But here’s a Wiki link to the breakdown of various kinds of rock music (check out heavy metal). Like novel writing, there are a myriad of genres. Take a look a them; if you’re at all interested in rock music, it’s quite interesting. I don’t pretend to be hip to all the sub-genres, but I am a fan of rock music in general, love the energy associated with it, even heavy metal.

I only know of Sorry, No Sympathy because one of their guitar players (Trevor Kuma) is the son of a friend of ours. They’re on tour, and played at The Zodiac, a Colorado Springs venue, this past Tuesday, St. Patty’s Day. It was my first time seeing them play live, though I’ve seen several of their videos over the years. Wow. Such power, such raw (twenty-something?) emotion in the vocals, barked out by Chace Corrigan. To be honest, I don’t know how Chace does it, night after night…it is such an outpouring of energy, it seems to me to have to be exhausting at some level, but he shook it off afterward as if it were nothing.

Which, of course, it’s not.

Which brings me to the kinds of guys these dudes are. What you see up on stage and what you shake hands with before and after are, well, kinda different.

These guys are polite and gracious. They know they’re performing for you, and they acknowledge it. They know you could be out watching some other bands or doing something else (like sleeping), but that you came to see them, and they thank you for that if not so much in words, in actions…how they relate and interact with you. When I approached their “Merch table” (selling their T-shirts), Sean was sitting behind it and immediately stuck out a hand and introduced himself. Josh and Blaise were outgoing and, well, happy. Trevor—a giant of a man—was a little more reserved, but nonetheless friendly. Chace seemed really glad to see me, though we’d never met.  In fact, when I first met Chace and mentioned that I was looking forward to finally seeing them perform live, he said something that actually took me aback—that I hadn’t expected: he said he looked forward to playing for me.

Chace Corrigan and ERO, The Zodiac, Colorado Springs, CO, March 17, 2015
Chace Corrigan and ERO, The Zodiac, Colorado Springs, CO, March 17, 2015

Wow.

Did not see that coming.

To be truthful, I didn’t really have any expectation of what was gonna come out of his mouth on a greeting level (though I’ve seen the band’s videos), never gave it any thought, I was just stating a fact—I really wanted to see these guys play live. And earlier that day my wife and her friend (Trevor’s mom) had taken the band out to eat, and my wife was telling me what absolutely cool guys they were, and it further intrigued me, though I had already seen their interview. My wife also told me Chace was a philosophical kinda guy and was actually interested in reading one of my novels, ERO. So, I brought him a copy and autographed it for him at The Zodiac.

As I met and talked with the rest of the band members I was impressed with all of them. They were not wired and unapproachable, but all had a ready smile and outstretched hands. Easygoing, the lot of them. Not standoffish, not rude. Just a couple of regular guys, plying their trade. So, at the Merch table, I had to get one of the T-shirts.

Now, once up on stage, they went into their “mode,” and became one with their music…and Chace transforms to an unstoppable emotive force. The technique (I recently learned) is called screamo. It is a flat-out demonic-sounding, barking out of distorted vocals that can blister your soul and frighten the uninitiated, and usually trucks in forms of emotional pain, fucked up politics, or the right to be human and one’s own expression of being human. And the music…guitars, percussion…the energy…is simply kick-ass.

But…a weird and curious thing happened to me as I experienced these bands (there were four of them) that night…and it kind of surprised me…but I felt a “coming home“…is how I even noted and described it silently to myself. Admittedly, I am not a “screamo” kinda guy in that I typically don’t listen to a lot of hardcore metal like this…but I’m not above taking some in now and then…but as I stood there rockin to the four bands that performed that night, I realized I loved the raw, youthful creative energy I was experiencing. The feel and kind of energy that radiates from humans expressing themselves early in their careers…uncaring for what the rest of the world might think of them…just explosively expressing themselves for who they are and how they see themselves. You—hell, the performers themselves—might not even totally understand why they do what they do (is it past life anger/angst…current life anger/angst?), but they know, they feel this “stuff” emanating out of them…out from their souls in such powerful, emotive explosions…and this is how…this is the only way they know that they can express themselves…express the unbridled energy that bursts forth from every pore….

This…is who they are.

Take em or leave em…this is what they do.

From what I know of them, from what I’d experienced, I didn’t see them (or any of the other bands’ members) parading about the joint breaking and smashing things like you might see so much on TV, getting stinking drunk and acting like idiots…these members behaved respectfully, hell, they stayed to listen to the other bands late into the night! But within each of them is this powerful, undeniable energy that craves release…and this is their creative vehicle for it. So what that not everyone “gets it”…those that do they welcome and perform for. And they are grateful for their fans. For their outlet.

It was interesting as I stood there and took in the night, the performances, because I did see a definite tie-in to writing. The apparent “duality of being.” These guys were great guys in every sense of the word—Chace was even a good sport about posing with my novel when I asked him to (I was egged on into the photo, by the way, I wasn’t gonna get in it…) after their performance—but, up on stage they take on a different kind of “greatness”: they turn into performers giving up their lives to their creative forces. Yelling like demons, whirling around and smacking into each does not make them bad people, neither does wearing body ink and sporting piercings. All the things those without typically associate with “non-nominal behavior.” “Bad” behavior. But that’s faulty reasoning. Dismissive of the mind behind the body. The energy of the soul behind the flesh. Plain and simply it is their energy that drives them to do this…to become “a different kind of greatness”…to express themselves in the way they want to express themselves, just like when I write my novels and people ask me, “Geeze, why do you have to write about violence and weird shit?” Or with my soon-to-be-released work-in-progress, “Why do you have to write such graphic sexual acts? You a pervert?”

It’s about the energy.

My work is about telling a story that needs to be told, whether or not it embarrasses me or is good or bad, and I have to be true to the energy of the story. I am the vessel for my stories (likes these guys are for their music) and I have to be me in the expression of those stories through the energy of my being. I have to bark out my own “duality” demon voice when the story necessitates it. That doesn’t mean I walk around acting out my novels anymore than it means the band walks around offstage acting out their music…it just means that we’re being true to the energy of our work.

In short:

We have to be ourselves.

And this was what Chace also belted out during one of his sets that night, “Be yourself! Be true to yourself and don’t worry about what others think!” Of course, the standard caveats apply about not hurting others, etc., I add, but the point is made.

We have to be true to the stories we’re telling…these guys have to be true to themselves…to the stories they’re telling, because, make no mistake about it, they are telling stories.

We all are.

It’s in our every move, our every thought, our every action.

It’s the story of our lives.

So, is there really a duality?

I think not. I think it’s really just another aspect—another part—of the gestalt called Josh or Trevor or Sean or Blaise or Chace.  And we—each and every one of us—have to be true to that. Be true to our lives.

So, in the end…you are who you are…sorry, no sympathy.

*****

Sorry, No Sympathy’s first full-length album “EGALITARIA” will be released early this year. Their single “Ignite,” however (the video at the top) is now available on iTunes, Amazon, and Google Play music.

Tonight, Sorry, No Sympathy plays at 8 p.m., at Jazzy’s Rock N’ Roll Grill, in St. George, UT.

Sorry, No Sympathy photos

Sorry, No Sympathy website

Sorry, No Sympathy Facebook

Sorry, No Sympathy Twitter: @SorryNoSympathy

 

Righting Erotica

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This Novel's Got Legs---And, Well, A Few Other Things.... (By Jean-Christophe Destailleur [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)
This Novel’s Got Legs—And, Well, A Few Other Things…. (By Jean-Christophe Destailleur [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)
As I work on the my current work-in-progress (WIP)—the sex scenes—I realized that once I got past what I was actually writing (graphic as they are), that they were all “words.” And as such, I was (am) trying to put the best words forward. I am trying to make the best scenes possible—as I do with any of my work.

Words are words.

Yeah, some of this stuff is unnerving…but that’s what I want them to be.

Unsettling.

I want you all unsettled by what you read.

I want a little squirming going on.

That is what these scenes are about…on a “mechanical” level. They’re about “in-the-dark” behavior from everyday people. About behavior we might only think about…or do in the dark corners of our lives.

Admittedly, it’s one thing to think about some of this stuff, and (for some) an entirely different matter once written.

After all, writing something gives it permanence, right? Like voicing a thought?

Thoughts are hidden, our own. But once we voice them…write them out…its like they take on a whole new meaning. The phrase “Think before you speak,” comes to mind. And how we look at someone differently once they’ve spoken…the unspeakable….

Actions we only do in private are known only to ourselves…unless voiced or written. This is the kind of ground I’m treading.

I don’t read erotica, so I don’t know what’s acceptable, so maybe I’m really off base, here, with my thoughts. And those who do read erotica may think nothing of what I’ve done.  I’m sure my efforts are most likely quite tame in today’s erotica world…and that’s okay (though I consider what I’ve written not-so-tame at all to me….). Once I got into the writing of this novel, I liked that the erotica became what I thought of as “a different kind of erotica.” Granted, when I’d first written this novel, back in 1997, erotica most likely wasn’t what it is today…but I’d still like to think my work will hold up to itself (um, yeah, there is a pun here, you just don’t know about it, yet…) in today’s world.

I “just” want to be able to portray what my characters are going through in such a way that it…justifies the story…evokes powerful emotion…that you see a part of yourselves in them. That you squirm a little at what you’re reading…insidiously become one with the story…the scenes…the characters.

Okay, even the sex.

So, to that end, once I get past what it is I’m actually writing…I’m trying to write the scenes as best as possible. Use the best words. Invoke the best, most powerful imagery. To make each scene properly fit the story. The plot. The characters—

I’m trying to make the erotica right.

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Surrendering To The Role

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It’s funny how things in life work.

If we’re observant.

I don’t know how many of you really notice all the “coincidences” and synchronicities that abound out there, but I do my best to remain open to them…and I notice a lot of them in my life, so they have to exist in others’ lives. In fact, I believe they exist in all our lives.

After posting my Short-Lived Modeling post, one of my brothers tweeted a snippet from an interview with Bill Duke—which I added to the comments of my modeling post. It totally applies to the acting class I described there…but the more I thought about it, it also applies to writing.

Sorry about repeating some of the discussion from previous posts, but in my current WIP I’ve written about how I was initially embarrassed about the work, because I had to write graphic sex scenes. “Had to,” mind you. That I had gotten over that and was finally really “taking ownership” of the work in all of its psychic entirety. And this is true…but while going back over it (again and again…), I’d begun to question whether or not I’d truly surrendered fully to the story itself.

You see, in my life, even in my way of thinking—to which only I am truly privy to the actual images and thoughts I think—I never use certain words and rarely use others (you’re gonna see the “C” word, the “P” word, et cetera and some “very uncomfortable scenes”…)…yet in this WIP I have to. Or should, but in one or two instances actually found myself “pulling their punches,” goddammit.

And that bugged me!

Because I feel that this novel will severely kick ass, and if I lessen anything about it, I’ve cheated the story.

As I reworked this stuff, I kept thinking to myself, WWSK do?

WWSK?

What Would Stephen King Do.

He’d go there, I told myself. He would. But he would do it so it would fit the story, in that it wouldn’t seem like just some foul-mouthed punk trying get people’s “rocks off.”

So there are scenes, there are words that will offend the easily offended in this novel. There are scenes and words that will certainly raise the eyebrows of those who know me…because, yes, I’m “going there.” And I’m trying my damnedest to do it in the “best fit” for the story.

Because, in the end, it is all about the story.

I have to fully surrender to the story.

I have to “go there” and shock and anger and enlighten and entertain, and do what this story needs me to do without short-changing it a single shilling. I cannot cheat the story, cannot cheat the characters. I began this book in 1997 and it’s been on my mind ever since.

Should I publish it?

Ever?

What will people think about me if I publish it?

I just can’t care about that last one, the story is that important. But, also because of one other thought that continually echoes in my head, largely because of my wife:

How will you feel if you don’t publish it?

To be truthful, I don’t know that she ever voiced these particular words…but she uses similar wording for similar situations…

Do you really want to spend a portion of your life to get this [INSERT ITEM]?

Do you really want to spend a portion of your life doing this [INSERT ITEM]?

How will you feel if you don‘t do it?

So, now, I’m making up words my wife might say!

But, for the past 16 years these thoughts have whirled about in my head like an angry wasp. And nearly everyone I’ve bounced this stuff off of all say the same thing: if I feel so strongly about the story, I should do it.

Of course, I knew this.

But, you see, I was partially worried about how I would be perceived, much like Vladimir Nabokov agonized over, when he published Lolita. Now, my novel is nothing even close to what Mr. Nabokov wrote about, but I found the synchronicity of my discovery about his anguish too “coincidental” to ignore (I only found out about this last year, when I was “agonizing over” whether I should or shouldn’t publish this WIP).

And another thing:  when I made the decision way back in 1997 to write this novel, I considered this (also as I’ve previously stated elsewhere): I wanted to write something that would stretch my abilities as a writer. I’d written all kinds of paranormal and supernatural material. Graphic violence, that kind of thing, yeah, I “went there” in a pretty gnarly story or two that will most likely never see the light of day…but I’d never written about sex, and I thought, gee, sex is such a beautiful thing, in and of itself, why are we all so uptight about talking about it, reading it, et cetera? And I don’t mean the crass and degrading porno versions of it, but the loving, caring organic beauty of the act between people?

Not that I knew exactly what I’d be writing about…because, I didn’t, truly didn’t know what I was going to write about (I don’t outline)…but when I came up with the log line for what I was about to attempt to write, I knew there had to be some sex scenes involved. And, once I became engrossed in the actual writing, well, it became evident pretty fast that yeah, I really couldn’t avoid “going there” in getting this story out.

So, the thirty-eight-year-old me decided, I needed to write this book, to get past the embarrassment of writing about something that (at the time) did, indeed, embarrass me. To be the kind of writer I wanted to be, the kind that writes from the heart, the gut—that surrenders to the role—I had to be able to “go there” as stories demand.

I had to be able to get the job done.

Do my job.

And, I figured, if I could write graphic sex scenes…then I could write about anything!

I didn’t and don’t want to be known as a writer of erotic fiction (I do have four other novels out there)…though there is nothing inherently wrong with writing erotica (the genre genuinely doesn’t bother me), that is just not my goal. What I would like to be known for (in so far as all this goes) is that I’m good writer. I get the job done. I entertain, I make people think. Get them to see the other side to Life and the things people do or don’t do. That my readers get lost in the stories and forget they’re reading.

That they can see themselves or others they know in my work.

That is my endgame, that is whey I’m “going there” in my WIP, why I will (hopefully!) make readers cringe, be a little uncomfortable, get angry, cry, or whatever when they read this novel (I get all these ways writing this WIP, so if I do, surely others will, as well!)—which, again, I know I’ve repeated myself some in this post, this is the most mainstream effort of mine to date. I simply have to surrender to the role of this story—

There’s just no other way.

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What I'm Working On For 2015

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What do you do in the wee hours of the night...and is it something you're proud of? (By Mark J Sebastian (Jackie Martinez (#31827)) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)
What do you do in the wee hours of the night…and is it something you’re proud of? (By Mark J Sebastian [Jackie Martinez (#31827)] [CC BY-SA 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons)
I’ve been working on another project that I’d started back 1997, then also put off for many years. But not without trying. I’d actually had a bite on it from Joelle Yudin, then Assistant Editor at William Morrow, who found my project “quite intriguing” in her 2003 letter to me. Alas, she could not interest her colleagues, who (I found out later, when I actually called her) found it “too small.”

So, you see, things get rejected not just because they suck.

“Too small.”

Yeah, that was “The Problem.”

I’m still keeping the title under wraps, but this project has been one of my favorites, and ranks up there with ERO. It had been forwarded to Joelle from another, who I’d originally sent it to; the man (Michael Morrison…who has moved up the rungs since this incident, I’m not sure was the original intended editor, but it had been he who had forwarded my query to Joelle) had been kind enough to forward it to Joelle to get her thoughts on it. I thank both of them for their efforts: thank you, Mr. Morrison and thank you, Joelle!

This project is about failed relationships. It’s the most mainstream effort I’ve ever written.

It also sports some hefty sex in it. I can’t really call it “erotica,” because I didn’t write those scenes with the intent to cause sexual feelings or arousal. That was never the intent (not that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that…). It was about the story and what the hell was happening to my protagonist.

I used to call it “my embarrassing book,” because I’ve never written nor read “erotica,” but I’ve finally gotten past that. I’m finally taking ownership of it…as in “own it, dude.” I figure, what’s “worse”: writing about nasty violence or writing sex scenes?

But, it’s not about the sex…in that I didn’t write the sex scenes in and of themselves…they were “just” integral to the story…what happened to the protagonist that further exacerbated his spiral of failed relationships. There’s more to it, but, the entire “thrust” of the book, if you’ll pardon the pun, is that the main character just can’t seem to get his life together because of what’s going on with him and his family…what’s going on in his head.

It is also a love story.

But I wanted to let you all in on this, because it is taking up all my writing time, and other things in my daily life are temporarily taking up more of my time, so my blogs are suffering. So, it’s not that I’m not doing anything…I’m just focusing all my efforts on getting this work out there next year—earlier rather than later are my hopes. So, please, bear with me on the lack of substantive posts. You can, however, check out my Pinterest board for this WIP, at http://www.pinterest.com/fpdorchak/next-work-in-progress/. These are all images that pertain to this effort. As you can see, photography, modeling, traveling, the Northeast all figure prominently in the novel. I hope you’ll “follow” and periodically check back.

But…be warned. I pull very few punches in this novel. When I tackled this project, I wanted to tackle something I felt was “out of my range,” something that would help me grow as a writer, even if somewhat “embarrassing.” I didn’t want to shy away from the subject matter…wanted to tackle it head on, no matter where it went. So, yes, this novel took me places I was (at first) hesitant to go…but to have “pulled those punches” would have killed the story. Believe me, I considered it. So…I did what any writer worth their salt would do to a compelling story that wouldn’t leave them alone…

I wrote it.

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