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F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction (New Weird) Author

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Hell

Transitions – Evil Plan II

April 26, 2017 by fpdorchak

As I’d previously mentioned in my last Evil Plan™ post, I am transitioning over to a self-hosted site on WordPress.org. The intent of this move was to consolidate my blog posts with my website so it would be easier to manage both.

Weeell, things have not turned out so gracefully.

As things currently stand certain things promised don’t seem to be able to be delivered quite as easily as presented. #ThatsHowTheyGetcha

I really hate to complain—I really do—but the way the whole “move over to us–it’s easy” is anything but and it looks like I may well lose all my blog posts from this site, Runnin Off At The Mouth (ROATM). Unless I keep this account active. Which I did NOT want to do. I wanted to export my posts from ROATM and Reality Check (RC) and terminate my WordPress.COM account, and just have my new account, fpdorchak.com, on the WordPress.ORG location. The long and the short of it is that after a brutal setup experience that involved me getting redirected all across God’s green Earth and many, many e-mail problem tickets, IMs, and even phone calls, I finally got my new fpdorchak.com site up and running. then I tried to import my blog posts. The RC posts all came over easily. Yea, I was happy! Then I tried ROATM: nope. Instead of one file to import, they had to split my data up into two files. Then, just like the scarecrow in that classic Wizard of Oz scene, WordPress kept directing me to Blue Host (BH; my server for my new site) and BH kept directing me BACK to WP. WP says all you have to do is ask BH to expand your memory settings to allow you to import the larger files. I’m here to tell that does NOT work. And I have spent two weeks trying to get it to work. So WP does NOT know what they’re talking about. BH doesn’t even what that means. They copied all my stuff over onto their BH server…but guess what? Through the miracle of technology I cannot access that data.

Then I found there’s a WP service (for $129) where they tell you “let US do the heavy lifting and move all your stuff over.” What they don’t tell you until you read the fine print is that it’s a mirror of your WP.COM site and will totally OVERWRITE any work you did on your new WP.ORG site. That means you’ll have to totally reconfigure the theme you created. And after just spending two weeks of frustrated HELL being redirected all over God’s green Earth and countless e-mail tickets to figure out how to do what I finally got, not only no but HELL NO am I going to go through all that again. And, BTW, the Happiness Engineer I’d be working with on this? He doesn’t know much about the Studio Press themes I used for fpdorchak.com.

So, I’m here to tell you that I might be losing all these posts and your kind patronage—unless WP.com can figure out a way to export ONLY MY BLOG POSTS and your links to my new location. I do not want to transfer everything there (theme, posts, menus, etc)—I don’t want that. Just the posts. Why should that be so danged difficult? Well, apparently, through the world of high technology…it is.

So. I have not yet heard back from them, but writing this post has been extremely difficult…like it’s being “accessed” in some way…because it’s severely delaying my typing, I don’t always see the cursor “I-bar,” and the words I type keep pausing, so MAYBE they (being them) have found a way to do this. Don’t know. But in case it all falls flat, I humble ask that all my kind readers go over to my new location and and please sign up for my blogs at www.fpdorchak.com/blog/ and scroll to the very bottom of the page and subscribe by e-mail there.

I am a very patient man, but this has truly tested my limits. I realize Studio Press is brand new, but they simply went to market too quickly before created a sold, consolidated set of procedures that clearly state what one has to do with WP.com, WP.org, Studio Press (SP), and whatever hosting platform you take on. And, be aware, that whatever you do with these folks, PLEASE, for the love of Bogey, port over your existing WP.com site BEFORE adding your new SP themes. You WILL have to redo all you work. I’m told there is no way around it, though when I imported my RC blog posts, it did NOT mess up my new SP Author Pro theme, so I really have NO IDEA what these Happiness Engineers are talking about or if they truly understand what happens with whatever the hell it is they think they’re doing.

My God, I’m in hell!

Again, pardon my ranting. I hope things can work themselves out, but I am very, very frustrated right now. I don’t know if I’ll keep this account open or not yet. I need to allow my frustration levels to bubble the hell off so I can see clearly—and who knows, maybe my Happiness Engineers WILL find a solution.

In any event, please sign up for my blogs at www.fpdorchak.com/blog/ and scroll to the very bottom of the page and subscribe by e-mail there.

Thank you..and thank for your kind patronage and support over the years. And pardon my ire, my frustration. It’s been three weeks of utter insanity.

BREATHE, Frank, BREEEATHE….

 

 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Writing Tagged With: Blogs, Blue Host, Frustration, Hell, Studio Press, Technology, Transferring Blogs, WordPress

A Conversation With Hell

May 13, 2016 by fpdorchak

Don't Answer It. (Image by Holger.Ellgaard [CC BY-SA 3.0, http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0], via Wikimedia Commons).
Don’t Answer It. (Image by Holger.Ellgaard [CC BY-SA 3.0, http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0%5D, via Wikimedia Commons).
This story appears to be the first (or among the first) story I’d written as an adult and began recording, as I got full time into writing as a business. As an ongoing intent. From my earliest records, it appears I’d written this in May or June of 1987. I was 26 years old. It is my first writing entry into my writing log, which I’ve kept ever since. On May 6, 1987, I sent a letter to the Library of Congress for copyright forms. On June 1, 1987, I’d sent this story out to Writer’s Gazette, TheMind’s Eye, 2AM Magazine, Pleiades Magazine, and SCIFANT (I don’t know if this is the “SCIFANT” from all those years ago, but there’s the link).

My very first entry into my writing log, however, is the following:

Contacted Dr. Clifford Bennett about publishing “Hope,” “Conversation,” “Love”. He died May 4, 1987 (82 years old).

You can see there were other stories I was working on.

Dr. Bennett was in the publishing/writing world, and I no longer remember how I discovered him (maybe it was a referral from some critique group I was in at the time). For some reason, I also remember Dr. Bennett performing hypnosis, and we’d worked a couple times with some hypnosis sessions. Anyway, I’d met with him a couple times, then I remember he was “hard to get hold of,” and soon afterward I’d learned that he’d died. His obituary is posted after this story. Dr. Bennett was my first contact with “the publishing industry” and the first “professional” to help me with my writing. I wish I remembered more about him.

Anyway, this story harkens back to my straight horror writing days. It’s not one of my best, but it’s short and sweet. It needed some clean-up.

Inspiration? Aside from today’s telemarketers, we’ve all gotten wrong numbers. In today’s world there’s the “butt dialing” phenomenon. But back when I wrote this, in 1987, we just had plain old wrong numbers.

This story had been published in SCIFANT #8, May 5, 1988.

 

A Conversation With Hell

© F. P. Dorchak, 1987

Ring!

Ring!

“Hello? Hello!”

It was the same thing. The same thing for the past month. Will Garret had made a brief jaunt back to his house to pick up some papers he had forgotten. No sooner had he stepped into the hallway, when the phone rang.

A crackling sound over the phone with no answer.

Who was it? Was there a problem with the phone?

He’d already had it checked.

A bad line?

Nope, had that checked too.

A prankster?

Definite possibility.

Whatever it was, it had gotten annoying a long time ago. These calls came at all hours of the day, none of them consistent in time. Some would come at two in the afternoon, while others would come at three in the morning.

He hung up; no use prolonging the agony.

Will stepped back from the phone and watched it. Then to his surprise (and then again, maybe not), it rang again. He let it ring a few more times, he couldn’t not answer it.

He just had to know who wa—

“Hello?”

“Hello,” came the smooth as silk reply. It was a masculine voice.

“Who is this?” Will asked, more than a little irritated.

“Uh…Fred Tarpenton…of Tarpenton Buick,” came the reply.

“Oh—I’m sorry. I’m a little on edge…I’ve been getting these crank calls, and—”

“Not to worry, apology accepted.”

A promotional call from a car dealer. Not interested, but figured he might as well listen for a while, considering the way he’d answered the phone.

After hanging up the phone, he went back to work. A corporate executive is a busy guy.

At his office, Will slaved over extensive paperwork on the merging of a new client. His huge oak desk was filled with reams of paper, a coffee cup was buried underneath the piles, somewhere. His phone rang and he absentmindedly fumbled for it.

“Yes,” he said, his reply neutral, distracted.

Over the receiver came that familiar crackling sound.

He shot up from his desk, hurtling the phone across his office. He moved behind his chair and gripped it in tightly.

It had been bad enough that he had been getting these calls for the past three and a half weeks…but they’d been confined to his home. This is the first time he had ever gotten one at work.

“Miriam!”

He was already on his way into reception, where his administrator worked. “Miriam, did you just forward me a call?”

“No, Mr. Garret, why?”

Will forced himself to calm down, no use letting his charges think he’s losing his grip on reality.

“Oh, nothing…nothing.” He turned and returned to his office. He told Miriam to hold all calls.

Back in his office he sat back down. This was getting out of hand. He looked to the mess over by the wall. Guess hadn’t really needed to have Miriam hold his calls. Have to get a new phone now.

It was nearing nine o’clock as he entered his driveway. It had been a tough but profitable day. He exited his car and entered the house. He’d just opened the front door, when the phone rang. Will slowly closed the door behind him and cautiously approached the ringing instrument.

It continued to ring as he put his briefcase down. Reached for the receiver.

“Hello?”

Crackle.

“Who is this?”

Crackle.

“What do you want from me? Money? I’ll give you anything you want, just—”

Crackle.

Crackle.

“Fuck.” Will slammed the receiver down and reached for the wall jack, unplugged the phone and the other two he owned. If nothing else, he was determined to get some sleep tonight.

The next day was bright and sunny and Garret awoke in an excellent mood. There had been no phone calls to wake him. He ate a well prepared breakfast, read the paper and began to leave for work.

He felt as though he could take on the world!

Standing in the doorway, he thought it better to reconnect at least one phone, and backtracked in, reconnecting the living room extension. As soon as the contacts connected, the instrument rang.

“Answer this, buddy!” he said, and flipped off the phone.

The phone continued ringing.

It was a busy day, as usual. Business calls, meetings, paperwork and more paperwork. It was 4:05 p.m. and he thought it best to leave a little early today. He began clearing off his desk—

Ring!

Ring! Ring!

“Oh come on, Miriam, where the hell are you?”

After several rings, he grabbed the phone.

“Yes?”

Crackle.

FOOOOOOOSH!

A bright yellow-orange bolt of flame shot out of the receiver, searing straight through Garret’s skull. Not stopping there the flame wrapped itself several times around his head, burning flesh dripping like wax from his charring skull.

Will did get a chance to utter a shriek, but that was about all.

He dropped the receiver as he tried to stand up, his hands going up to his incinerated head. Tiny flames sputtered around what had been his nose and left ear.

Miriam burst in just in time to see him sink back down into the plush executive’s chair. The dying flames and smoke continued to issue from the blackened remains of what had been his head. The carnage was total.

Miriam stood, frozen, at the entrance unable to move.

Garret’s body from the neck down was untouched. It twitched a few times then lay still, arms hanging to their sides, his head cocked to one side and smoldering. A few feet from Will’s body on the floor lay the still flaming receiver. Several defiant flames still licked at the handset. Had Miriam her sanity, she would have heard the faint echoes of a demonic chuckle.

Out in reception, a phone rang….

 

Dr. Clifford Bennett Obituary, 1987
Dr. Clifford Bennett Obituary, 1987

 

Short Story Links

Links to all my posted short stories are here.

 

Filed Under: Leisure, Short Story, Spooky, Technology, To Be Human, Writing Tagged With: Corporations, Devil, Dr. Clifford A. Bennett, Hell, Night Gallery, Phones, Short Stories, Tales From The Darkside, telephones

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