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F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction (New Weird) Author

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Twilight Zone

Snow Paper

April 1, 2016 by fpdorchak

The Woods Hold Secrets. (Image by By Estormiz, own work [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons)
The Woods Hold Secrets. (Image by By Estormiz, own work [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons)
Family tragedies, knives, deserted, wintry forests, wolves, and, well, the stuff of fantasy.

This is yet another story I don’t  remember writing, and was written in the early years (1989), but as I stumbled upon it, it just captured my fancy as such an odd little story. A cool one, so I moved it up in the line-up…especially since we just had a blizzard dumped on us (March 23rd), two days later, another eight inches. And this week? A couple more days of fast moving snow squalls. It’s still snowing outside my window….

This story has never been published.

 

Snow Paper

© F. P. Dorchak, 1989

“No! Don’t do it! Please, don’t—”

The shrill screams pierced through the frigid, moonlit night, originating behind the closed doors of a mountain cabin. Behind tattered, backlit curtains forms moved…jerked…flickering images engaged in a heated argument. Yelling. Pleading. Crying.

Outside, smoke from the chimney mixed with blowing snow.

“Daddy no!”

A gunshot.

Another.

Out from the door dove a dark form.

The shadow was far from maturity…short in height and small in frame…and it plunged directly into the several-foot-deep accumulation of snow. Behind the small-framed shadow—her—the door was left open.

“No! No-no-no-no-no!”

Shelain collapsed face-first into the snow.

“Mommy! Why? Daddy—why?”

But her cries only fell upon the hushed ears of a snow-packed forest.

Blood on her clothes.

Shelain lie face down in the snow, arms covering her head, and sobbed….

She looked up. Into the woods before her.

She didn’t need moonlight to see. She knew what was out there. Snow. And trees. Lots of both and little respite from either.

Shelain had grown up in this forest. She had always been a fast learner. In better times her parents had remarked at how good she’d been in finding her way back home while out hunting. That she could survive in the snow if she had to (she’d built her first igloo at the age of five), and that making fires and snaring food was now quite commonplace to her. Her parents knew she could survive, and so did Shelain. She was a tough little girl, and now she would be put through her right of passage.

Shelain didn’t understood what had happened between her father and mother, only that it had happened…and that was all that mattered just now. But she also knew she couldn’t live here anymore. This had been a home, now it was a tomb—and the living didn’t live in tombs.

She did not want to go back in there.

The woods were her only option. Yes, she would go there. She would go to the woods and find a new place. But before that was to happen, she needed things. And that meant…

Going back inside.

And she did not want to do that.

As soon as she got back up to her feet, she felt her head pound, like the outsides had moved too fast for the insides, and her insides were ready to explode…her heart….

Shelain stood. Wiped snow off herself, and turned.

Entered the cabin.

On the floor were—

She moved around them.

She was unable to take her eyes off what now lay on the floor.

But her father’s woods training and her mother’s practicality took over and she immediately set upon collecting what she needed. She grabbed food and clothes. Water wouldn’t be too much of a problem this time of the year, but she took a flask or two anyway. Putting on as many pieces of outer wear as she deemed practical and useful, she slung the pack over her back and

The floor still mocked her. She couldn’t ignore them.

Stooping, Shelain went to her father…unable to look directly at him. She searched around him before she found what she was looking for. Removing it, she put it into her jacket.

His hunting knife. Now it was hers.

Shelain went to her mother.

She was also unable to look directly at her. She went to her hand. Shelain removed the wedding band. Like gutting a trout or cleaning a rabbit, her emotions suddenly seemed turned off.

That was enough.

Pocketing the band she strode out the door, not bothering to close it.

She felt the crunch of the snow beneath her feet, and headed around to the side of the cabin, adjusting her pack. She pulled her snowshoes out from their snowy groves alongside the building and put them on. She’d gotten these two birthdays ago. She was very adept in them, even able to run in them, dodging in and around trees….

“It’s going to be a cold winter,” she said to no one. She stood back up and looked off into the moonlit night.

Off she trekked, into the dark tree line of the forest.

 

Shelain felt as if she was living one of those fairy tales her parents had so often read to her as a child.

But she was a child no longer.

As prepared as she was, she had forgotten two very important things. One was that she might not be as energetic about things after the shock and the jolt had worn off. Two, she had completely forgotten that she had not yet eaten that night.

She figured she’d been walking for several hours (this she did by the movement of the stars), and though she was young and strong, she needed food and rest, and now was as good a time as any to stop. Unloading her pack, she collapsed against a giant snow-covered fir, careful as to not knock any of the snow capping off. She might end up needing the tree as shelter and would need the snow for insulation.

Fishing through her pack’s contents, she removed a small salted slab of venison, immediately digging into it.

She watched the stars.

Then heard the noise.

Noises.

Only moving her eyes, she surveyed the dark…through the trees and back from the direction she’d come.

She’d been followed.

How stupid of her! She knew better!

The moon lit her trail, but that wasn’t all it had lit up. It also lit up a second trail which had veered off on its own into the woods mere paces away. It didn’t take an expert to know that she was being followed.

Wolves.

Shelain slowly placed the remainder of her venison on the snow.

She sat. Listened.

There came the low, throaty rumblings again….it was all around her.

She positioned her pack firmly in front of her; held it with both hands.

All her training had not prepared her for this. She was alone now, no father to get her out of this one. No mother.

Solo.

The rustling came closer, the growls no longer muted.

Shelain saw the wolves emerge from the darkness. She could actually see their eyes.

Four of them.

Slowly coming to a stand, Shelain kicked the chunk of venison toward the advancing pack. That tiny morsel wasn’t going to satisfy anything. She stayed close to the tree. Shelain felt her mind beginning to go limp…lose its focus.

Fear was taking over. She’d felt this once before.

The wolves closed in…formed a semi-circle….

They pounced!

Three went for the venison…but the fourth charged her.

Pack forced firmly out before her, Shelain managed to deflect the wolf off to the side, but it quickly got back up and resumed its attack. Shelain was only vaguely aware that the other wolves were fighting over the venison—but, how long would that last?

The attacking wolf again leapt at her.

For several minutes they faced off with each other. There was no stopping this beast…and soon the other three would also be upon her.

She was alone, snowshoes strapped to her feet, and mentally and physically exhausted.

There was nowhere to go. No one to turn to for help.

This was it.

What would her father do?

Her hand fell to her side.

Yes. The knife.

She unsheathed the gleaming blade.

The wolf lunged.

She missed the first time, but connected on the immediate back swing.

She was soon lost in the frenzy of teeth, claws, and blade when she felt the knife plunge deeply, she felt something hot spray her face, and her attacker suddenly fell on top of her.

She was bleeding.

Three more! There are three more!

“No!” she screamed. “Oh, Father, why did you do it? Mother, I miss you!”

She so desperately wanted things to go back to the way they had been…to the way they’d been before….

Why couldn’t we turn back time when bad things happened to us?

She’d been mauled pretty good by the dead wolf and her grip on her knife was no longer sure, but her survival instincts again kicked in. Shelain was again on her feet. As she saw the three wolves approaching her, she grabbed her pack and dumped it out in an arc before her. More venison and fruit and bread sprayed out before her…and she ran.

She’d never had to run on snowshoes to save her life before.

All she could do was what she was doing.

Run.

 

She dropped heavily to her knees in knees deep snow, heart beating up and into her throat. She was tired, wet, had lost much blood, and was about to lose much more if she didn’t change her situation…

But she no longer cared.

She’d been foolish to believe she could make it on her own, no matter how smart she thought she was. There was nothing to make it to. Nowhere to go. She’d lost her family, lost everything. And the wolves

(where were they?)

would be on her in—

Her hand hit something.

Dragging her knife through the snow to the object, she poked it through to the surface. It unraveled just enough for her to see it.

It was cylindrical and

Made of paper?

A…calendar?

A paper calendar…and there were days marked off.

Well, great, at least she would know what day she died.

The calendar was dated last year…but not all the days were marked off. What a stupid thing to find in the snow…out in the middle of nowhere…a pack of hungry wolves chasing after you—

And why hadn’t the wolves caught up with her?

But…a calendar….

Her curiosity got the better of her, and with bloodied and freezing hands, she began unrolling it.

The year on the calendar shifted before her eyes.

One moment it read 1830…the next 1700…but always it showed past years, nothing current. And the marked-off dates remained the same. The calendar unrolled, she tried to turn the pages, to see other months, but she couldn’t…none of the pages would yield. She couldn’t unstick the pages. As she looked at the crossed-out dates (what day was it?) she noticed how some of the crossed-out dates looked more messed up than the others. Smeared. In fact the very last crossed-out date was really smeared and blurry and anything but neatly crossed out.

She heard the rustling.

They would nearly be upon her!

Good, let them come…put an end to her misery….

Shelain traced her bloody knife tip along the weeks and stopped at the next open day after the really smeared and soiled and blurry crossed-out

(yesterday…)

date. Wouldn’t it be nice, she thought, if she could go back and change things…make what daddy did never happen. Turn back time? Wouldn’t it be—

 

The wolves broke through the snow-covered trees and leaped upon their prey…but only ended up landing upon one and other, instead. Confused, they shook the snow from their lean bodies, sniffing around the indentations in the snow before them.

There were blood stains…her scent…but no meat.

All that was before them was a snow crater of someone who used to be there.

The wolves dug, but never found Shelain. They did find, however, a useless pile of paper in the snow. They sniffed at it—it was not a good smell—and hurriedly left the area, one less member to their number….

Deep in the woods of the north rested a small log cabin. The smell of hardwoods permeated the air as the smoke mixed with falling snow. Inside the soft glow of the fire’s light filled windows, and there resided a small family of three. It was a meager birthday, but it would turn out to be the best birthday Shelain would ever have….

 

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Filed Under: Leisure, Short Story, To Be Human, Writing Tagged With: family, Fantasy, Forest, Paper, Short Stories, Snow, Tragedy, Twilight Zone, Winter, Wolves, Woods

The Girl Who Chased Gargoyles

March 25, 2016 by fpdorchak

That Was Just The Way She Was. (Image by Loadmaster, David R. Tribble, CC BY-SA 3.0 [http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0] or GFDL [http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html], via Wikimedia Commons)
That Was Just The Way She Was. (Image by Loadmaster. David R. Tribble, CC BY-SA 3.0 [http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0] or GFDL [http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html], via Wikimedia Commons)
The inspiration for this story came from a piece of artwork I’d bought in my single days and no longer have. It wasn’t in oils or acrylic or anything…just a framed poster that’d really grabbed me. It depicted a young girl on the top of a building blowing bubbles and a gargoyle that had broken free from its perch, reaching after the bubbles, bits of that perch crumbling away.

I loved the imagery!

So I penned (keyboarded) a story. It is one of my more disturbing stories…at least to me. Reminds me of the Twilight Zone episode “It’s a Good Life.” I suppose this story could be considered allegorical to elements of the Human Condition (“absolute power corrupts….”), and to be honest, I don’t recall my motive in penning this one…except that the artwork I had was quite imaginative and I’d just wanted to write a story about it….

And then I find this perfect graphic of a little girl and a gargoyle! It really is perfect.

This story had never been published.

 

The Girl Who Chased Gargoyles

© F. P. Dorchak, 1992

 

I knew her long ago…a bright, wispy sprite of a girl. And she loved to climb things. She also loved her bubbles. Blew them everywhere. It was those bubbles that had set me free.

But that was so long ago. And I miss her.

And now I will tell you of her story.

 

Angela was her name. She was so bright and cheerful that I didn’t think there was a thing in the world that could ever bother her. She had long, silken hair and a smile as bright as the sun.

The sun. A sun that had grown dark with the death of her parents.

But that’s for later.

For now, she skipped and sang everywhere she went. And (as I have said before) she loved to climb. Trees. Rocks. Buildings. Anything. There wasn’t an obstacle she would not tackle and this so frightened her parents, for there was nothing they could do. She was a most determined child, and a very sure-footed one—the most sure-footed I have ever seen—there was no fear in her, only wonder and amazement. To her, everything was beautiful. Everything was fun. There was no such thing as evil.

She was indeed the purest of souls.

 

One day, while walking through town with her parents, Angela had spotted a building that had immediately captured her fancy. It was an old, abandoned remain and her father, a construction worker, had told her that it was a building scheduled for destruction. This brought a momentary frown to Angela’s face.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because, Angela, to all things there must come an end.”

Angela thought about this.

“Why must all things die?”

“Well, I think it’s God’s way of telling us that we must live life to its fullest.”

“Well,” said Angela, “that’s what I’m going to do.”

That’s the way she was. Nonplused. Practical (in an idealistic kind of way) and direct-to-the-point. Death didn’t seem to bother her like it did other kids her age. In fact nothing seemed to bother her quite like it did the other kids. She was always the one to explain things to her friends, always the one to comfort them when they lost their favorite marble to an opponent in a game. She was always there when she was really needed and had such a love of life and all that it encompassed.

One day, she came back to the doomed building, and, as do all kids (for she was, after all, but a child) and found her way into it. Blowing her little bubbles, she made her way up the curved banisters, through the hazy interior and up to the very top.

Where she found the monsters.

But to her they weren’t monsters…they were their own form of life no matter how ugly, and, eventually, her companions, her…friends. She would come to talk with them. Have fun, for though she was so bright and sweet she still had no real friends her age, at least any that could understand her. Some people are just born more aware. Her own parents barely (if they ever really did) understood her. Angela was always off dreaming somewhere—and we all know how dreamers are treated.

So, as often as she could Angela would journey into this building and climb the dusty stairs to the top. There she would come out on its ledges and sit among the stone creatures of the sky, the leader of which called itself “Pandor.” She hadn’t known the word “gargoyle” until the monsters themselves told her. Or so she told people…and that made her situation in life very difficult.

“Gargoyles, you say? On top of what building? Do your parents know about this, young lady?”

And all she would do was vigorously nod her head up and down, her smile so bright and innocent, and say, “Yes, they do!” Then she would skip off in some random fashion and leave behind a stunned and indignant lady, poised on the sidewalk, her eyes the size of silver platters. She did not yet know how to keep things to herself, but I suppose that was just a product of her love of life and her desire to share it with others.

It did get her into trouble. Her and her parents.

It had been a day like any other as she skipped homeward, singing to herself, but once she walked through the front door of her home, she felt the change. Slowly she followed the sounds of voices and stalked toward the kitchen. Peeked around a corner. There she saw her mother and father talking with a strange lady she had never seen before. A lady who seemed to ask her parents an awful lot of questions. She was so very official looking, like her teachers at school, only more so.

Do you give her enough food, clothes, and other care?

Is she bathed regularly?

These are her grades, but do you ever discuss them with her?

Do you get involved with her life, play, and fantasies?

Why is it that you let her climb around condemned buildings…

Who was this lady, and why was she asking all these questions?

So Angela left her house and went to seek out her friends, the monsters. It was the monsters that had told her…as she blew her bubbles for them…that this lady was going to try to take her away. That this lady was not to be trusted.

Maybe you should not tell people about everything you do, Angela. Like when you climb up here to play with us.

“Why?” she asked, “why would anyone want to do such a thing? What have I done? I haven’t hurt anybody.”

Because she is an evil person, Angela, prone to sticking her nose into the affairs of others. But do not worry about it, we will not let her take you away from us. We love you.

And we will take care of this lady.

So Angela shrugged her shoulders and continued to blow her bubbles, and the monsters continued to talk with her.

And that was just the way Angela was.

 

When she had arrived home later that day, Angela found her parents waiting for her. They looked very distraught.

“Angela, honey, we have to talk with you,” they had said. They were such model parents. “There was this lady over to see us earlier, a very important lady, who was very concerned that we were not being good enough parents to you. Do you feel we are not being good parents?”

Angela looked from father to mother, then back again. “No, Daddy, I don’t think so. Why—do you?”

That question, even given their daughter’s already sagacious level of development, came as a cold slap in the face to the both of them. However, having grown somewhat accustomed to her often poignant points of view, they replied back to her.

“No—no, honey, your father and I love you very, very much and we work very hard so that you can have the best of all possible things in life.”

“We try to always be there for you,” her father cut in, “but this lady,” he paused to look to his wife (who squeezed his hand very tightly, Angela noticed), “well, she can be very persuasive to the wrong kinds of people. She can take you away from us without much say on our parts. She tells us,” he paused again, “she tells us that there are those out there who are concerned that we are not providing you with proper care. That we let you climb around condemned buildings and—”

“And talk to monsters,” her mother cut in.

“Is this true—are you really climbing around condemned buildings? Tell us this isn’t true, Angela, it’s very dangerous to do things like that. You could get hurt. You could fall and die.”

Both parents looked at Angela very hard.

Angela remained undaunted. She knew what her parents wanted to hear. I would never get hurt, she thought, they would save me, my children, they love me and would never let anything or anyone, harm me—and you too. But she knew what they wanted to hear, and what she had to say.

“No.”

And that was just the way she was.

And we will take care of this lady.

 

It was the next day; an article in the paper. Social worker murdered in apartment parking lot. As gruesome as the details were (parts of her body have not yet been found), her parents breathed a sigh of relief. Granted their file would surely remain in the records even though the case worker was dead, but hopefully no one would ever come back a calling.

That day Angela made her way back to her children and asked them about it.

Yes, we did it. We told you we’d take care of you. Your parents. If something happened to your parents, something happens to you, and we won’t have that. We love you, Angela.

“And I love you. But is that right, what you did, to make someone die?”

Is it right to take away from someone that which is loved by them?

“Hmm. I guess not.”

Wouldn’t that instead make such a person who would do such, evil and dangerous?

“Why, yes, I guess it would.”

Then we have done good, ridding you and your family of such evil, have we not?

“You have. Thank you.”

Then blow more bubbles for us, Angela, we love your bubbles.

And Angela blew more bubbles.

Because that’s just the way….

 

The next day Angela was at the library and looked up what gargoyles were. First she found they were waterspouts, but she knew that couldn’t be right, for water spouts couldn’t talk. Then she found the other description.

 

“Pandor, do you know God?”

Pandor remained quiet for a moment, then spoke.

“Why do you ask, child?”

Well, the other day our class went to the library looking up mythological creatures n stuff—I know what that means—and I saw a picture of you, I mean what looked like you. I asked Mrs. Gartle if I could do extra credit and look up gargoyles, and she said yes. It said you were…tal–is–mans…used to terrify the devil and forced to serve God.”

Pandor stared back unblinkingly.

“But the worse part was that it showed a picture of you eating people. Like me.”

Pandor stared.

“Is it true? Do you eat people? Do you know God?”

Pandor shifted its dense stone frame, sending dull shudder throughout the stone battlements and up through Angela’s tiny frame.

“We are…what we are. Manifestations. Surrogates. We are the horror that men fear. Gods. We are evil incarnate. Inchoate—”

“—I do not understand—”

“—no one does, child—”

“—teach me—”

“—but it is you who are teaching us.”

“Do you eat—”

“Yes. We eat that which is your kind.”

“Why.”

“Because it is necessary. Nothing more.”

“Will you eat me?”

“It is not necessary.”

“Will it ever be?”

“No.”

“How do you know?”

“We know.”

“Do you know God.”

“God knows us.”

“Is that good?”

“It is nothing. It simply is.”

“Do you know God?”

Pandor turned away.

“Okay, so you don’t want to answer that. Fine, be childish. Then answer this—do you know your true purpose? The book said your exact function is unknown.”

Pandor smiled, the first time Angela had ever seen him do so. The crack that inched itself across its face sent a shiver down Angela’s back. It looked painful.

“We are…what we are. Child. Do not look too deeply—you may never come back.”

Angela retreated backward and lost her balance, tripping over a loose piece of rubble. As her arms flailed out behind her she closed her eyes in preparation of meeting concrete when stone hands reached out and gently grasped her. Angela looked up to see the carved face of another gargoyle.

“And we do not want that, either. You must watch your step, child,” Pandor said, thickly.

“Thank you. But there is so much I do not know, and I don’t know if I like that.”

“There are many things even those such as ourselves do not know. Yet we still are. We exist. The same applies to you, my child. You still are. You exist. We are here for you. We do not want evil to befall you.”

Angela gave Pandor a sharp look.

“Does that make me God?” she whispered delicately.

“I only smile but once a lifetime, child.”

 

But Angela would not let it die. She became fascinated with the topic of God. Fascinated that her companions seemed to treat her as one. It was a topic that she had never really considered before.

God.

All powerful.

All knowing.

What is God?

Angela thought about how she seemed to know so much, so much more than anyone else her age, let alone the adults.

Am I God?

Have I enslaved the gargoyles to be my talismans?

Could it be true?

They do protect me—

Answer my questions—respond only to me—

But how can this be?

I am but a little girl.

 

A little girl who knows too much….

 

Angela slept and dreamt of her monsters, but it was a dream filled with dread. It threatened her. She saw herself atop the building, like she had been when she had first found them. All silent and still they were, poised on the precipices of their battlements; lurched…but going nowhere. Then she came out to the edges and began to blow her bubbles. Stood next to the one that she had come to call Pandor. It looked so scary, she remembered. So real.

She let loose her bubbles and a particularly large one drifted past the Pandor-gargoyle face. Angela looked back down into her bubble bottle, ready to blow another one when she heard a loud thundering sound and felt a burst of wind pummel her.

She looked up to find she was standing alone on the battlement.

Where once had stood a statue, now there stood nothing but still crumbling mortar. She gasped, turned to run, but instead came face to face with the very monster that had only moments before been motionless beside her.

Angela dropped her bubbles and went rigid.

Tried to scream but nothing came out.

Her eyes traveled down the length of the monster’s form and to its massively taloned claws. Noticed how the creature actually hovered, however heavily, inches above the battlement, its wings beating the air.

As Angela took steps backwards, away from the gargoyle and towards the building’s edge, she felt claws wrap around her. To her horror, she saw other gargoyles were also breaking free. She looked back to the first one and saw it bring out its hand from behind its back. In a cruelly twisted claw, rested a bubble.

I offer this back to you, child.

The dream-Angela reached out and took it.

But that was where any similarities from her past ended. No sooner had dream-Angela grasped for the bubble, when it suddenly burst open and spewed blood all over her. Angela looked around to see the faces of other gargoyles. They all leered. Hissed. The first gargoyle stepped aside, and behind him sat a box. It was a dark, subtly vibrating box, Angela thought, but didn’t vibrate physically.

No matter how much she didn’t want to go, she came closer. She had to see. The box was blacker than black, and slowly it opened. Angela heard whispers…multitudes of dim voices. Something tugged at her mind. Voices that rose in a crescendo as the top of the box opened farther.

Something called her name. Reached into her soul.

It was then that the dead light began to pour out from the opening—

Angela awoke.

And found herself standing alongside her bed, bent over and soaked in sweat.

 

The next day found Angela dreamier than usual, aloof even.

While at school people would find her sitting in class, or out in the play yard, just staring off into space. Several times classmates had come running up to her to see if she was okay and she would just ask them Are you God? Do you know God?

When one of the children mentioned this to Mrs. Gartle, Mrs. Gartle simply had to investigate.

“Angela, honey, are you all right?”

Angela continued to stare off into the clouds.

“Angela, it’s me, Mrs. Gartle, can you hear me?”

“I hear.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Why nothing, Mrs. Gartle. I am contemplating.”

“Really, child, you simply must get more to the point. And where do you get all these big words, anyway? Come with me.”

“But I don’t have to.”

Mrs. Gartle froze and choked out a half-choked, “W-what?”

“But I don’t have to go with you, Mrs. Gartle, it is not immutable—”

“You will do as you’re told this instant, young lady! Just because you think you’re smarter than the rest of your peers doesn’t mean you’re smarter than me. You will listen to your elders!”

Mrs. Gartle grabbed Angela by her arm and dragged her back into the school building. That night Angela’s parent’s received a phone call from Mrs. Gartle. About the disrespect she had displayed toward her and the students. Mrs. Gartle was curious if Angela had been behaving this way at home, and why, and when Angela’s surprised parents replied that she hadn’t, but that they’d certainly deal with it, Mrs. Gartle took them at their word and hung up. It wasn’t so easy for Angela, however, who found herself answering before her parents and then performing an extra regiment of chores before going to an early bed.

But in bed, one can dream, and in the dream, Angela met a white light. A light that asked her

Do you question God?

I question everything.

Why?

It seems to be my being. It is what I am.

It is?

Is it so wrong to question?

It is not.

Why do I question?

It is as you have said.

What I am?

You learn quickly.

What is my purpose? Am I God?

You are intensified. You are…more than you are.

I don’t understand.

The white light laughed. Be careful. Do not ungrace yourself, little one.

I don’t understand.

 

Angela awoke. Felt different.

Empowered.

For Angela had decided she was God.

 

Angela sat in front of Border Elementary School when Mrs. Gartle, the principal, and another student, came out the front doors. Heavy storm clouds and gusty winds were rolling in, but there was as yet no rain.

“There she is,” the little girl had said, pointing matter of factly. “She’s right over there.”

“Okay, thank you, Susan. You may return to your class, now.” Susan turned and left. The principal and Mrs. Gartle looked to each other. It was the principal who spoke first.

“Angela—Angela would you come over here please?”

Angela looked up from the thing that occupied her attention and stared detachedly at the two.

“Would you come here, please?”

“Okay.” Angela got up and walked over, still clutching her object. “What would you like?” she asked.

“We would like to know what you’re telling the other children,” the principal said.

“That’s easy.”

“Well, what is it, then?”

“That I’m God.”

Mrs. Gartle brought a trembling hand to her mouth and squealed, but principal Phillips remained quiet, somewhat annoyed at Mrs. Gartle’s inadequate reaction. Angela looked up to the two, proud of her newly realized discovery.

“Is that all?”

“No. No, that’s not all—Angela, why do you believe such a thing?”

“This-this is blasphemy!” Gartle exclaimed, but the principal motioned for her to remain quiet.

“Why do you think this, Angela? We’re very curious.”

“Because…well, because of the way things are.”

“We don’t understand. Can you be more specific?”

“Well, I can’t really tell anyone, you understand, I did once and that person died.”

At this point Mrs. Gartle, brought her other hand to her mouth and rushed away from the two of them, back into the building. The two could still hear her as she cried out about blasphemy and damned souls. Mr. Phillips turned away and suddenly found himself sweating.

“Angela, now you know this isn’t true. Did you think you had this person killed?”

“Well, not me. Others. But I told you—I can’t tell you. You might die.”

“Angela, would you show me what you’re playing with?”

Angela brought her hand up to Mr. Phillips. “Here.”

Mr. Phillips grabbed her wrists and felt his legs go weak. “What do you think you’re doing with that frog?”

The frog’s eviscerated entrails hung down and over one side of Angela’s tiny, pink hand.

“I killed it. I was just trying to make it come back to life.”

“Angela, I think you’d better come with me—would you do that, please?”

“I don’t really want to.”

“Would you do it as a favor to us mortals?”

Angela thought for a second. “Okay. But only for a minute.”

“Thank you.”

 

Angela sat in the office. She had lost track of just how long. Her feet didn’t quite reach to the floor, so she contented herself by dangling them against the frame of the chair. She wasn’t happy with Mr. Phillips. He had made her give him her frog and had thrown it away. It was only in the trash a few feet away from her, but Angela was still mad. Because she had been made to sit in the principal’s office and not move, she couldn’t bring the frog back to life. It was such a waste.

But she was God.

Nobody made God do anything.

Angela looked to the principal and Mrs. Gartle, both of which stood outside the office and talked rather loudly. Angela knew they had called her parents.

She was God.

But what she really wanted right now was to bring that little frog back to life, otherwise, she wouldn’t have killed it.

Angela hopped off the chair and went to the plastic waste basket. She saw how the dead frog lay belly up on wads of crumpled paper and she looked back out into the outer office. Then she reached down into the trash and grabbed it.

Possession.

She cradled it against her chest and began to hum.

Live!

Live!

Come back to me, little frog—come back!

“Angela! Put that frog back into the trash!”

Startled, Angela dropped the frog back in the garbage.

Principal Phillips.

They wouldn’t do this to me if they knew….

Disheartened, Angela quietly went back to her seat and sat down.

Phillips closed the door behind him and thoughtfully went to his chair, leaving Mrs. Gartle somewhere outside. He leaned forward in his seat and clasped his hands together on the desk before him.

Oh, great, now he’s going to act real grown-up on me, Angela thought. I hate it when they act this way.

“Angela, I’ve called your parents. They’re on their way. What do you think of that?”

“I don’t like what you’re doing and neither do my friends,” she said, her forehead scrunched up angrily.

“Let’s talk about these friends of yours, shall we? Just who are they?”

“I’m not supposed to tell.”

“Because I could be killed, is that right?”

“Yes.”

“And they’ve killed before.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t supposed you could tell me who they killed, could you? I mean, it’s done, isn’t it, so no harm could come of your telling me, now, could there?”

Angela paused. This is a trap, I know it. I feel it.

“Why should I tell you? I don’t trust you.”

“Because I want to know more about you—”

Just then the door opened and in came another woman. “Hello,” she said. She was about the age of Angela’s mother, and pretty. She carried a little black notebook.

“Now, Angela, this is Mrs. Beale, she’s a friend of mine and is also interested in helping us.”

“Hello, Angela. I hear you have a dead frog you’re trying to bring back.”

“Yes.”

“Now, Angela,” Mr. Phillips continued, “Would this person who was killed be Mrs. VanWygyn?”

“I don’t know a Missus VanWeegin.”

“Okay. How about the lady the city had sent over to see your parents. Could she have been the one killed?”

Angela froze.

How did he know? He’s not God.

The frog. Live, little frog, live!

I’m God.

“How did you know?”

Mr. Phillips looked to Mrs. Beale. “We know a lot.”

“But I know more. You’re in trouble and I don’t like you. You took my frog away from me—I wouldn’t have killed it without bringing it back to life! You’re also keeping me in here! You probably also sent that mean woman to my family, too! I don’t like you at all! I hate all of you!”

Angela was now standing on her feet and shouting. Her face ballooned into a puffy red and she felt different.

We will let no one harm you, Angela.

We love you, Angela.

We are your friends.

“Live, frog—live!” Angela cried aloud, rushing to the garbage, but Mr. Phillips got to the trash before she could. Even though she was faster, Mr. Phillips was closer. He snatched away the trash can and placed it on the floor behind him.

Angela fumed.

“You’re all alike! You all want to rule us kids! You never let us do what we want! You think you know it all, but you don’t! I do! My friends do, and we’ll kill all of you!”

(we will take care of them, Angela)

(go)

“I no longer want to stay here! Let me go!”

“Angela, please sit down,” principal Phillips said. Nurse Beale got up and nervously came towards Angela.

“Angela, we can help you, if only you’ll let us—”

“I won’t let you do anything to me! I’m God! I have made life.”

Nurse Beale looked back to the principal. “What do you mean—”

A sound came from the trash can.

“Come forth!” Angela commanded.

Mr. Phillips and Nurse Beale looked to each other.

The trash can moved.

Outside thunder and rain suddenly and furiously unleashed from the skies.

“You…are doomed! Both of you! I warned you but you wouldn’t listen! I tried to tell you, but now it’s too late. Too late!”

The trash can jiggled.

Mr. Phillips shot back in his chair. Lightening flashed outside the window behind him. Angela began to laugh.

“It’s too late,” Angela said.

The frog leaped out of the trash can and onto principal Phillip’s desk, portions of its intestines trailing behind.

We’ve come for you, Angela—

A powerful concussion catapulted Principal Phillips forward and over his desk while Nurse Beale was knocked up against the wall. Rain and storm now blew in through the destroyed window behind Phillip’s desk. When next he looked up, principal Phillips found Angela laughing, her face rain-swept and still swollen. Nurse Beale was shaking her head back and forth, a nasty cut across her forehead bleeding all over her. On the window sill, and occupying the entire opening, sat a stone nightmare, its massive wings unfolded behind it. Water fell from its features like a newborn hellspawn and its mouth was a grotesque caricature of pain. Phillips looked to its fangs and claws. Looked into its cold stone eyes.

“We have come, Angela,” the monster said.

“I warned you about this—I warned you! Now you must die!” Angela cried. “I am God and you have transgressed!”

The gargoyle looked to Angela.

“You must pay!” she said.

The gargoyle continued to stare at her.

“Take me away, Pandor, and do what must be done.”

The gargoyle continued to stare at Angela, then to the principal. Lightening flashed close by and the smell of ozone filled the room.

“Kill them!” Angela shrieked.

Principal Phillips stood up, his clothing torn and his body bruised. He knew there were broken bones somewhere. “Angela, what are you doing? You are not God—but you have the devil at your command! Stop while you still can! We can help!”

The gargoyle looked to the man. Lightning and thunder again struck, this time shattering the remaining office window.

“Kill,” Angela commanded.

The gargoyle hopped inside the room and snatched Angela off the floor. Principal Phillips made a move towards the two but the gargoyle backhanded him with such force that before the rest of his body had collapsed, Principal Phillip’s head had flown off and hit the wall next to Nurse Beale—who promptly collapsed into unconsciousness.

Angela and Pandor flew out into the angry purple sky.

 

Why do you act this way, Angela?

Because it is what I am.

Is it?

Yes.

You have changed. You compromise what is.

I am God. I am what is.

You have become evil.

No. It is you that is evil. God is

Dead.

No.

No.

Nooo.

 

Angela, you have corrupted yourself.

I do not understand. I made the frog come back to life.

No. That was not you.

Was it you?

It was what I am.

Answer me directly! I tire of these games!

I am only a product of the force which drives me. I am not what controls me. You said so yourself—I am a tool.

I see. So it was God.

So you say.

Enough!

Angela, we cannot serve you any longer. You no longer suit the purpose which suits us.

Angela held back a rising choke. She looked back at the stolid stone face which she had come to call a friend. But Pandor had become more than just a friend.

Rain still pounded out of the skies and assaulted the two of them, and thunder and lightning continued to crack open the heavens. She watched as the rain ran down the gargoyle’s features. In Angela’s mind it made Pandor look like he wept.

“How can you choose your own purpose—I control you! You said so!”

I did not. You merely used the magic which you are and set us free. I never said you were our purpose, I merely said we loved you and would have nothing harm you—

The conversation was broken off by the sound of sirens in the streets.

They have come for you, Angela. We cannot save you from yourself.

“I don’t…I don’t need you. I am—”

A bolt of lightning hit the battlement nearby and sent a huge section of the building toppling to the streets below. One of the gargoyles tumbled over with it. Angela watched in disbelief as the monster made no attempt to recover itself and return to the battlements.

You have done this, Pandor continued. You have reopened the box…

Box. What box?

The box…

Listen to my name, young Angela, what is its true ring?

Angela searched her mind. All this time she knew it had sounded eerily familiar. Now it finally dawned on her.

Pandor.

Pan-dor-a.

Box.

“That was nothing more than a myth,” Angela angrily replied.

No, it is much more than that, young one. I am what some myths referred to as the First Woman. The releaser of all that is evil to humanity through my insistence of opening the box. I have been made to pay for that transgression by becoming an instrument of humanity. The form does not matter. Only the idea. The substance of what is.

“I do not believe. You are here to serve me.”

Pandora remained silent.

Another bolt of lightning struck another precipice, but on the other side of the battlement. Though she couldn’t actually see it, in her mind Angela saw another gargoyle tumble over.

You have destroyed what was. Now you must reap what is to come. Form does not matter, little one.

“Angela. Angela Pedernasy. Can you hear us?”

It was the police. Angela looked over the side but choose to ignore them.

“Pandora, have I done wrong?”

Pandora held her gaze. What is done, is done. There is no guilt assigned. There is only the present.

“But—b-but I don’t think I understand! I’m…I’m losing something here. I…I feel funny. What is happening to me? To all of this?”

Pandora looked to the sounds that came from below.

“Angela Pedernasy, your parents are here. They have something they want to say.” There was momentary silence as the blow horn was passed from one set of hands to another.

“Angela, honey, this is your mother.”

Angela stiffened.

“Angela, please talk to us, we want so much to understand. We want to help!”

“They cannot help, can they,” Angela said flatly.

Pandora shook its head side to side.

They cannot.

“Angela—we know we have probably not been the best of parents, but we tried. We’re here for you and want to help. Please, honey, talk to us!”

Then another bolt from the sky hit the building, with yet another section of it tumbling streetward. As it fell, Angela felt clammy. Something felt awfully wrong.

Then there were screams. Explosions.

Her parents.

Mommmmmyy—

“Daaadddyy!”

Angela rushed to the building’s edge. Saw the rubble below. The smoke. Emergency personnel were clambering around the broken bodies and destroyed vehicles in the destruction below.

“Mommmy—Daaaddy! What have I done! I’ve killed you! I’ve killed my parents!”

Pandora came to Angela. Lightning strikes were now continuous, chipping away at the building and sending both rubble and gargoyle alike to the ground. Those in the streets below fled.

“I am not worthy to live! I have killed the very parents who have given me life!

“Pandor, I wish to remember you the way things were. I have made a big mistake. I may have been wise for my years, but not for my humanity. I have destroyed my parents and I have destroyed you. There is no cause for me to live anymore.”

Then another bolt of lightning struck and this one took Pandora with it. Angela watched as the gargoyle seemed to topple in an exaggeratedly slow fashion over the side.

The form is not all, my child. The idea is.

Pandora’s eyes seemed to grow and fill her mind.

“Pandor!”

Gone.

Angela stood alone. The building quaked all around her.

Oh, my God, what have I done?” Angela said…

And threw herself over the side.

Because that was just the way she was.

 

The form is not all

my child.

The idea

Is.

 

And thus is the story of a brilliant moment of humanity. Of a silken-haired girl, called Angela. She was a special one to me and still is, for she still lives, but on a different level now. And I, Pandora, also live.

For it is not the form that matters.

But the idea.

And she was the girl who chased gargoyles.

 

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Filed Under: Leisure, Metaphysical, Short Story, Writing Tagged With: Fairy Tales, Gargoyles, myths, Tales From The Darkside, The Grotesque, The Night Gallery, Twilight Zone

Bone and Stone

March 4, 2016 by fpdorchak

Take Your Place. NY Zouave Monument Bull Run April 22, 1990 (© F. P. Dorchak Photo Scan)
Take Your Place. NY Zouave Monument Bull Run April 22, 1990 (© F. P. Dorchak Photo Scan)

This is just the “Bone poem” I’d used in my Civil War short story, “Etched in Stone.” Just wanted a separate posting of it from the story.

I’ve visited Manassas Battlefield (aka Bull Run Battlefield) three times. Visiting that battlefield affects me like no other battlefield I’ve ever visited. In a very real sense…I do feel as if the Civil War dead are reaching out to me….

This poem was originally published with the above story in The Waking Muse #1, which has since gone defunct.

 

Bone and Stone

© F. P. Dorchak, 1991

Etched in stone

Etched in stone

Take your place among the bone…

Etched in stone

Back with bone

Home is home and bone is bone….

 

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Filed Under: Leisure, Metaphysical, Reincarnation, Short Story, To Be Human, Writing Tagged With: 5th New York, Bull Run, Civil War, death, graves, Manassas, Twilight Zone

Etched in Stone

February 26, 2016 by fpdorchak

The Dead Must Die. Bull Run Battlefield, VA (April 22, 1990, © F. P. Dorchak)
The Dead Must Die. Bull Run Battlefield, VA (April 22, 1990, © F. P. Dorchak)

I wrote this story based on a dream I had as a kid. What happened to me in the dream (and past life) is what happened in the opening scene to this story. I’d awoken from my dream in actual pain and had rolled off my bed onto the floor, clutching my side for several moments before “coming to.” Years later, in adulthood, I’d found out that one of my other brothers had had “the same dream.”

I’d also written this story based on some Twilight Zone-like weirdness that had happened to me upon visiting Bull Run (Manassas) battlefield, in Manassas, Virginia, in 1990. I feel that I was a Zouave in The Second Battle of Bull Run.

Both of the above are related on my other blog, Reality Check.

This story was originally published in The Waking Muse #1, which has since gone defunct.

 

Etched in Stone

© F. P. Dorchak, 1991

 

Smoke drifted in patches across the battlefield, periodically exposing smashed artillery and the mutilated and destroyed remains of both blue and gray. Muted, distant groaning filtered from everywhere, seemed to rise up from the bruised and battered earth itself. The air, thick and black, still carried within it the energy of atrocities stilled only moments before.

“Helppp…meee…” A soldier. Twisted about a sweaty and bloodied head. Coughed painfully, blood issuing from parched and cracked lips…dirt and gunpowder coating the inside of his mouth. He knew the battle had only just ended, yet something remained unsettled…more…there was more to follow—

Movement. Up ahead, through the smoke. The soldier squinted, waiting. Again coughed. Slowly, shadowy figures pressed closer, the clink and clatter of weaponry cutting through the unholy execration. The soldier’s uneasiness grew.

What color were they?

Sweat—or was it blood?—stung his eyes. Squinting hurt. He couldn’t make them out. The humidity, the stink….

What color were their uniforms?

The detail continued their sweep across the field, bending over and poking at things.

Bodies.

The soldier couldn’t make out their color, but felt their uneasiness. Something was wrong. The moment felt…altered—

“Theyah’s anotha, sah!” one of the detail alerted.

The wounded infantryman craned his neck toward the voice—just in time to see uniformed arms raise a musket…on the end of which was a bloodied and slightly bent bayonet. The prone infantryman watched in exhausted hopelessness as the blade screamed down from the sky and slid neatly into his side—

 

Paul Donner awoke in excruciating pain, clutching his side, sweat soaking both pillows and sheets. He tried to get up, but instead only managed an awkward and contorted roll out of bed onto the floor. The sound—the grind—of the bayonet twisting in the dirt beneath him…twisting within him…still echoed through him. He again tried to get up, but only collapsed back to the floor, gasping for air. Abruptly, the pain subsided and Paul pushed himself up from the floor to sit against the bed, fumbling for his wound.

But, where there was pain…there was no wound.

Nothing. There was nothing.

Paul got to his knees…then his feet…then immediately began tossing about bed sheets and pillows.

Again, nothing. No dirt. No blood. No blade.

“What the hell?”

Paul staggered into the bathroom, switched on the light and stood before the mirror, eyes closed.

Relax, he mentally chanted, relax, relax, relax—it was only a dream….

Slowing his breathing and chuckling, he opened his eyes to stare into the cold, unfeeling glare of a battle-weary Confederate, upraised musket and fixed bayonet coming at him. Paul yelped as the bloodied blade lunged out from the mirror for him, and dropped to the floor. He grazed his head against the sink, but just lay there…curled up…listening to the distant notes of a bugle and clattering equipment.

He swore he inhaled the acrid odor of spent black powder….

But no more jabs…and no one came for him.

No one lunged at him from the mirror.

Cautiously, he felt his way back up the sink and looked into the mirror.

Nothing. Nothing more than a perfect reflection of the crease of the ceiling and wall above him.

 

Donner’s day went from rude to confusing. The more he stewed over the dream, the more obsessed he became. It had been about the Civil War, of that he was certain, but everything else was a haze. And he couldn’t shake that soldier’s image, the one lunging out at him from his mirror. There had been so much hate there…a face twisted and framed by enough scars, dirt, and rage to create nightmares for lifetimes. The soldier’s eyes had been wide and insane as if he’d been to hell and back. The eyes of one who cared little for life—his enemy’s or his own.

And there were too many questions, like which side this dream-him was on (he figured Federal, for no other reason than he was from New York). What was his rank (enlisted…maybe a corporal), and how old he was at the time of his dreamed death (early to mid-twenties)? Then he tried to actually get inside the head of the doomed soldier….

Got to be able to separate fantasy from reality.

It took some time for him to break free of the gloom, but once it began to shake loose, he gave Becky a call. Becky Decker worked for a travel agency down the street in Old Town Alexandria, the place where Paul had first met her. He’d gone in there one day to ask directions, one thing lead to another, and before he knew it, he’d asked her to dinner. That had been nearly six months ago.

Or had it, Paul suddenly wondered. Had it really been all those months ago or had I just made it all up?

“Where the hell had that come from?” he asked himself. “I’m running myself into the ground, of course I’d asked her out six months ago—how hadn’t I? She’s my girlfriend. I’m on my way over to see her. If I hadn’t met her, she wouldn’t be there, now would she?”

He left the apartment.

The day was sunny and warm, the first days of June like a breath of fresh, if not already humid air. The approaching summer was promising, and Paul looked forward to making the best of it—but he felt on a mission. Something was out there…beckoning him. All his life he’d felt he’d had a particular calling, but now he felt as if at a crossroads…as if whatever was meant for him was just around the corner. He didn’t know what this urge was…but here he was catching up to thirty and still unfulfilled. He needed to settle down and get a grip on things—but what was he supposed to do? He knew there was something important out there for him—

Or headed for him.

Donner rounded a corner and passed an angry, recessed figure in an alleyway, a figure he never noticed, but who wore a tattered uniform and finished loading a large caliber, rifled musket. The soldier forced the rammer home into its slot beneath the musket’s barrel, and, after Donner walked past, strode confidently out into the sunlight to brazenly take up position on the sidewalk behind him. The figure half-cocked the hammer, installed a new percussion cap, and leveled his weapon at Paul’s back. Pulling back the hammer the rest of the way, the soldier fired.

An ear-jarring report split the air—just as a car backfired.

Donner found himself crouched low, poised as a tiger, senses heightened—an apparently instinctive move he found quite disquieting. He straightened up, smelling black powder.

“What—”

Donner regained his composure and continued on…but felt watched…he looked behind him, but saw nothing.

Once again his senses had apparently tricked him.

“It’s going to be one of those days, ain’t it.”

Musket smoke evaporated.

 

“Hi, honey!” Becky said, getting up and out of her chair to greet Paul as he entered the office. “You okay?” She rose up on her toes and gave Paul a quick peck on the cheek. “After your call this morning I’ve been all worried about you!” Hands on his shoulders, she slid them down over his arms, interlinking her fingers with his. “How’s your side?”

“Oh, fine. There’s hardly any pain now, and I still didn’t find any bruises, except from the fall.”

Becky examined Paul’s forehead, gently touching the wound. “My poor baby…”

“Yeah, it still hurts. Poor baby need much lovin to fix!”

“Hmm, sounds like a challenge, but I’m starved—let’s eat first, then we can talk about what it takes to fix you, later.”

 

“Tell me more,” Becky asked, intently focused on Paul. The server retreated, taking their menus and orders with him. Paul shifted uncomfortably in his chair, feeling unaccountably awkward in the restaurant and not knowing why. They’d been here plenty of times before—

Hadn’t they?

“Well, I only remember a portion of it. There was this Civil War battlefield. I was the wounded soldier I told you about, and I guess I was only momentarily unconscious, because when I came to my wounds still bled. The fighting had only just stopped and there was this weird, ringing silence to everything…and everywhere around me men were either dead or dying.

“And the stench.

“I peered through the smoke and haze, and saw soldiers approaching, but something wasn’t right—about them or the whole feel to the dream, for that matter.

“Before I know it, I’m being gutted.”

Paul shuddered, and took a sip of water.

“This is fascinating.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t wake up with rusty iron twisting in your kidneys—”

“Oh, Mister Drama King.” Becky swiped at him with a napkin.

“Drama King?”

“And what about that Rebel soldier in your bathroom?”

“It scared the hell out of me! I just have this terrifying nightmare, then I turn around and walk smack into this…this…”

“Ghost?”

“Yeah. I actually wet my pants—but if you tell anyone, I’ll deny it.”

Becky burst out laughing, drawing attention from surrounding tables, to which Paul turned, and said, “It’s okay, she’s only just been released!”

Becky hit him in the shoulder and squealed a high-pitched “Paul!” before continuing. “No way—you actually peed your pants?”

“And if you ever—”

“Don’t worry, I’ll only tell my mother!” she said, giggling. “Okay, okay, so you had this wild dream and saw this weirdo dream warrior—what other weirdisms have you experienced?”

“Well…nothing else—except that there was this odd smell of gun powder when a car backfired by me on the way over here. I nearly—”

“Peed your pants!”

Shaking his head, Paul buried his face into muscled and callused hands.

 

Donner spent the rest of his day window shopping and thinking…his final destination a stroll through what he’d come to call Cemetery Row, a gathering of a half dozen or more cemeteries with names like Bethel, Douglass, Saint Paul’s Episcopal, Christ Church, and, way in the back, Alexandria National Cemetery.

He was restless.

Something was definitely out there…waiting for him…seeking him out…he couldn’t deny it, but here he loved the quiet solitude that came from strolling the headstones and crypts, and all the tall, mature hardwoods drooping and rustling over well-kept grounds. It was the strangest feeling he’d had all day, thinking how right it felt to be among the dead and the decayed…almost a yearning….

Paul left Cemetery Row for his truck, buckled up, fired up the engine, and immediately felt light-headed. Grabbing the steering wheel, he steadied himself and squinted past the windshield. More pain hammered him…and a sudden fog came up around his truck.

Paul again smelled black powder…and that high-pitched ringing in his ears.

Tasted blood and dirt.

His heart raced, his throat constricted.

He felt as if someone or something was reaching into his very soul and trying to squeeze the life out of him—his life.

Paul stared into the fog. At first he thought it was only his imagination, but the shadowy, indistinct images coalesced. Refused to abate.

Line upon line of men were charging a hill, the fighting thick and furious.

The scene then shifted to a wooded area and he saw large numbers of Confederate cavalry charging outnumbered, but colorfully dressed Federal units. One of these scarlet-pantsed men turned to Paul.

Looked directly at him.

His damaged face quickly filled Paul’s world and from all around him came muffled whispers:

Etched in stone.

Etched in stone.

The words tore into him like hot lead. Then the giant, damaged face spoke.

“Who are ye to desert us?”

Paul snapped free of his trance, whacking his head against the headrest, and cursed.

The fog dissipated.

Wiping sweat from his forehead (he swore he felt grit beneath his fingernails), he took several moments to reorient…and had to actually curtail the sudden urge to run—to get away—away from what?

Paul stomped on the accelerator and sped away from the quiet and the dead.

 

He couldn’t get into his apartment fast enough. Slamming shut the door, Paul rushed to his couch and collapsed upon it.

That was too much.

It hadn’t been a dream—he’d been wide awake and conscious this time.

What the hell was going on? Those images had definitely been Civil War…and what was the big deal with it all of a sudden? He’d always been fascinated about it, sure, but what did that have to do with the price of tobacco in Richmond? Everywhere he looked these past few days he ran into one weird occurrence after another—and from that war. How could dreams…

How could dreams turn into reality?

Confused but hungry, he headed for the kitchen. Threw together some leftovers. After he sat down at the table, he stared down at a plate of

Food.

Time to eat it.

Time to find reality.

Paul reached down and picked up the fork…but it felt funny.

He speared it into his dinner…brought it up to his mouth…and saw that the utensil was no longer the four-pronged stainless-steel implement he’d taken out of the kitchen drawer, but a crude, two-pronged apparatus consisting of thick, rusted, metal wires wrapped around each other. His plate was a beat up and worn tin platter, and his apartment—

His apartment was gone.

Paul sat before a cramped, nighttime campfire, soldiers angrily staring him down and mumbling a barely audible chant. Through the firelight Paul also saw that their faces were not just angry, but weary. Saw that he wore the same Federal Zouave uniform everyone around the fire wore. The red and blue of his uniform were no longer bright, but torn and faded, splotched with

(blood)

sweat stains and dirt.

“W-what’s going on, here?” he asked.

No one answered. Just glared. Paul looked about the camp. All activity had ceased upon his arrival…all attention on him…and he felt it like successive sledgehammer blows.

Who are you to desert?

Slam.

Etched in stone.

Slam.

Back to bone.

Slam.

“What the hell is going on?”

Where had everything gone? His apartment—Becky?

The mumbling grew until a large burly sergeant with dirtied rockers astride dirtied stripes made his way to him. The sergeant, tough-looking and angry, stepped into Paul’s face, forcing him back with his mere presence. Paul smelled the chew on his breath, juices still wet on the man’s handlebar mustache. Inches from his face, the sergeant spoke.

“What makes yew so spay-shal, soldier?”

Paul saw that the man’s teeth were sporadic and rotting; winced at the repressed anger that flared from spiteful eyes…at the smell of battle still ripe upon him. This man…was his superior.

Superior?

“This is all wrong….all wrong,” Paul said. “My life…I should be…here.”

The realization was like another sledgehammer blow. A double-whammy.

“I should be here!”

Paul spun around, stumbling off into the woods. The men remained, watching…just watching…

…back to bone…

…etched in stone….

 

Paul plunged headfirst through brush and trees, branches slapping thin, stinging welts across his body.

Events were beginning to fall into place, but he still didn’t know why or how things had gotten so bizarre. How was he supposed to belong to the past when he was alive and kicking in the present? Was everything he was living a dream?

Had he had it all backwards?

Was the past his present—the present his future?

What was real?

But he knew…knew that that sergeant was his superior…that that camp his bivouac…and these stinging welts painful.

Paul raced blindly into the dark, leaving far behind the men at the campfire, their murmurs still rattling around in his head.

He leapt over a downed tree and landed confidently on the other side, but a large branch again snapped across his face, sending him painfully to the ground. Eyes watering, he remained on the ground, dazed. He had no idea where he was, yet continued to experience the crazy déjà vu. By touch, Paul examined his face and felt the long, raised welt that had risen…felt the tackiness of the blood that flowed out from it. He allowed the pain to refocus his thoughts as he traced a finger along the welt like an old lover revisited. Gaining some resolve, he crawled back over to the felled tree and listened.

Felt the dirt between his fingers and underneath his nails.

The firmness of the tree against his back.

Heard the crackling and popping sounds that were up ahead…the smell of burning wood.

Bonfires. Muffled conversation.

What color were they?

Paul crawled toward the noise, the loose tatters of his uniform snagging on underbrush.

He ripped himself free and continued forward on belly and elbow. Found himself cradling the familiar heft of a Springfield rifle. It all felt perfect. This was where he belonged.

Shortly he came to a small rise and found more soldiers.

What color are they!

Paul watched. They were but a handful, and looked as if they were nearing completion of a task—when he suddenly lurched forward, overcome by a shortness of breath and a stab of pain that exploded from his side. Clutching at the pain he remembered the wound from his dream, and looked down.

“This can’t be—”

Paul pulled up his tunic and ran his fingers along his flesh until he fingered the sucking gash that was an open hole from the well-thought-out design of a triangular-bladed bayonet.

“Yer bout to take yer rightful place, Yankee,” came the voice from behind, and Paul jerked and grunted as the bayonet was again thrust into him, this time in a viciously twisting action….

 

He bled heavily as he was taken into the Confederate camp. Wave upon wave of pain engulfed him…but he didn’t die. Men lead him through rows of graves, some open, some not, but all fresh.

And still, he didn’t die.

Peering through the feverish haze he saw the bodies of the dead and dying. They looked empty…familiar….

“Ya’re a blaspheme a nature, boy, n we aim ta see what’s wrong’d put right, y’hear?”

“I-I don’t understand—”

The soldiers snickered. Again, the anger…anger not directed at the war, but at him.

“What is it—what have I done to so offend you?”

The soldiers remained silent as they continued directing him toward the end of the dug-out plots. Paul welcomed the inhalation of dirt and decay. Workers nearby put their shovels aside and scrambled up from the graves to stand beside their holes.

“There’ah,” one directed, “etched in stone, Yank-ee.”

Etched in stone

Etched in stone

Back to bone

Find yer home

The chanting filled his mind and soul.

The soldiers’ hold on him lessened and he fell forward.

Paul wanted to ignore the truth…to return home…to be rid of the fiendish nightmare that had tormented him night and day—but where was home?

What was a dream and what was reality?

A young Confederate, not sixteen years of age, bent toward him. His face was young, but his eyes bespoke of a truer age.

“This is home, sah.”

Home.

This is home, sah.

This is….

 

Paul rolled over, fork clutched savagely in hand.

He opened his eyes and stared at it.

It was four-pronged. Stainless steel.

He shot to his feet and flung it away, blood was on his hands and dinner was all over the floor.

Things were beginning to make sense…blackened, dark sense, perhaps, but sense nonetheless. Trembling, he rushed to the phone and dialed Becky. Her phone rang twice.

“Becky?”

“Yes? Paul?”

“What are you doing tomorrow?”

“Just working, why?”

“Take the day off. Cancel. Call in sick—”

“Paul…what’s the matter, are you all right?”

“No, I’m not…but tomorrow I will be. We’re taking a short trip. Somewhere that’ll end these nightmares. I’ll pick you up at seven.”

He hung up.

“Okay—”

 

Paul picked Becky up at six-fifty-eight the next morning. He said nothing after she got into the truck.

“Are you going to tell me what this is all about?” she asked.

“We’re goin to Manassas.”

“Manassas?”

“That’s where the answers lie, Becky, that’s where they all lie.”

Shivers ran down her spine.

 

In less than an hour, the two arrived at Manassas Battlefield, Virginia. Fog hugged the ground and trees lined the road and fields like specters-in-waiting. The drive had been a silent one, the tension thick, and Becky had chosen not to say much. She figured Paul would talk soon enough for the both of them.

“Have you been here before?” she asked, sheepishly.

“Once…a long time ago. A long, long time ago.” Paul’s eyes took on a faraway glaze.

“Paul…you’re scaring me.”

“Scaring you? Yes, I suppose I am—I’m sorry, really I am, you have to believe me. Come, let’s stop here and get you a map.” They pulled into the Visitor’s Center, but found it closed.

“I didn’t think it’d be open yet,” Becky said nervously, and got out of the truck. She looked through the locked glass doors of the building, cupping her hands over her eyes against the glass.

Paul got out of the truck and went to the trash. “No matter. Here,” he said, and picked out a loose flyer from the trash. “You won’t need anything other than this. Let’s go.”

Becky and Paul drove along the deserted, winding road, Becky followed his travels on the map, and read from it as they drove. They stopped at the tiny parking lot alongside a singular stone building.

“Shall we go for a walk?” he asked.

“Sure,” Becky answered.

But the hair on the back of her neck prickled. She felt unstable and unsure. Getting out of the truck they both walked up to the stone building and immediately Paul reached out a shaky hand to touch the building, as she read from the flyer. “The brochure says this building was used as a hospital,” Becky said, “that it’s one of the oldest structures around.”

“Yep, there was a lot of dead and wounded that went through here.”

Becky looked up to him, then back to the paper. His voice was different, but he was correct. Ignoring the increased thickness to his voice, she pointed to the hill behind it. “Up there an attack had formed…”

Paul stared off in a different direction.

“Paul? Are you listening to me?”

Paul continued to stare off into the distance. Becky came up to him and poked him in the chest. “Paul, are you listening to me?”

“You know…it’s so weird coming back,” he said. “Everything feels so…not set.”

“Is this part of what’s been going on?”

“Yes. It’s very…disturbing. I feel as if I’ve been here before.”

“But you said you had.”

“I…have. But not in this lifetime.”

Becky backed away. “Paul, you’re scaring me. I don’t like this.”

“And you think I do?” he asked, wheeling around to face her. “You have no idea what hell we endured!”

There was that something different in his eyes again, something different about him. She felt like she was looking into the eyes of another…someone older…more tired. In his features were an accumulation of years that absolutely terrified her, like Time was screaming past in hyperdrive right before her eyes.

Becky smelled dirt and decay.

Felt dirty herself.

“Let’s go over there,” Paul said. “There’s a sunken, unfinished railroad and more battle lines…the Deep Cut,” he said, pointing. Becky looked down to her sheet and saw that he was again correct. They got back into the truck.

 

Becky said, “Here the railroad crosses, and back there—”

“Back there is where we started defending our lines,” Paul said, finishing.

“What’s this ‘we’ stuff?”

Paul turned to her.

A bugle echoed in the distance.

“You hear that?” Becky asked.

Paul intently nodded.

“Sounds like a reenactment. This doesn’t say anything about reenactments,” she said, checking the brochure. “Wanna check it out?”

“That’s what we’re here for.”

Swinging the truck back onto the main road, they dipped through the gently sloping hills and troughs of the valley. The fog refused to lift, growing worse. Paul took the truck off on a side road and brought it to a stop. He got out and Becky followed. She watched him stare out over another field, at the end of which was a tall, narrow, monument surrounded by several cannon.

“Well, this is it,” Paul said, flatly, “this is where it all ended.”

Becky looked down to her sheet of paper. “But that’s not what the brochure says—”

“I’m not talking about the brochure, Becky, I’m talking about me. Back behind those trees—they’ah,” he said, pointing, “we were set up, camped. We were a small force…barely a company…suffered heavy losses…”

Becky looked at him, her paper hanging uselessly in her grasp.

Etched in stone

Etched in stone for all time….

“…the Confederates were beatin the tar out of us. I was wounded pretty bad, as were most in my unit—”

“Stop it! Stop it right now! You’re scaring me! This is nonsense, you hear me? Nonsense! You’re here, with me…now. In the present.”

“Are you so sure?” he asked. Again he faced the fields. “I was with the 5th New York. Volunteers. Duryée’s Zouaves. You kin check it out fer yourself. I was…I don’t know…I was somehow caught up in a strange warp between life and death…I don’t really know, it’s all beyond my ken…but I remember being called into my commander’s tent that night, being asked to go on a mission. A secret scouting mission. I was to meet an agent somewhere—but I never made it. I was captured by a wandering Johnny patrol. I didn’t know they was that close, jee-zum.”

Jeezum?

Jeezum crow.

“Anyhow, I was put under guard by the Rebs until battle broke out. I managed to kill my guard—who would’ve kilt me anyhow, seein’s he wanted to fight, and had my unit got closer he wouldna wasted his time w’me. I woulda done the same…so I kilt him.

“You know, while I was thinkin bout what to do, I sees this Reb, ya know? He’s a standin there, not six feet from me reloadin his musket. He had the cartridge between his fingers, the end bitten off and the paper still tween his teeth, when I sees a hole rip right through his chest and out his back, bringin him to a complete standstill. He just stood there, like he was gonna finish loadin that musket. Then he just fell backards, real serene-like, fell back to the ground with blood gushin up from his chest. So I takes his weapon and hightailed it out of there.

“Somehow I made it back to my unit…and into battle…and I was wounded, wounded real bad—like my dream told me. We were cut down by a perfect hail of bullets. I’d never seen anything like it, rippin apart our haversacks from our bodies, burstin our canteens, and explodin our rifles to pieces as we held them…we was cut to ribbons where we stood, and all within an instant. I seen comrades struck from that murderous rain with better’n half-a-dozen rounds before hittin the ground. It was wholesale slaughter…. ”

Donner paused, eyes closed for a moment, before continuing. Becky just stood there, openmouthed and dumbfounded.

“The battle had just ended when I come to—

(what color are they?)

“and them Johnnies, they was goin through the bodies, checkin ta see if we was dead’r not, and if not, makin it so. Well, I wasn’t, and they stuck me.”

Tears erupted from Becky’s eyes like waterfalls.

“This isn’t true—you’re making it up!” Becky pleaded, “it’s some kind of cruel joke—tell me!” she cried, reaching out and shaking him. “Tell me!”

“I don’t know what happened, I really don’t. Somehow I…I must’ve been missed. Ya know, there was lots of us out there on the field that day, Death could’ve easily missed me—and I thinks that’s what’s resented by all those it got.

“They want me back, Becky.

“The dead want to set things right. There’s even a grave with ma name on it.”

“Stop it—I don’t want to hear any more!”

In the distance the bugling grew louder…came closer.

“No! I refuse to believe this!”

“Look,” Paul said, pointing out into the fields, “there they are. See’m? Comin…comin for me, honey.”

Out in the fields, Becky saw line upon line of men, some carrying the standards for their units. All around them were the sounds of gear clinking and readying, the sounds of bugles, the rustle of men trampling through woods and fields alike.

“Paul—”

Becky looked at him, but Paul now wore the tattered and bloodstained uniform of a Duryée Zouave, the rank of corporal wrapped across his sleeves. His face was drawn and weary, his skin tracked with the spoils of battle. Becky looked to his side and gasped when she saw the small hole and blood stain that spoke of the bayonet wound she knew to be there.

“This can’t be real—can’t be!” she cried, her face red and swollen.

Paul came to her. She again smelled the black powder…the sweat and blood he wore like a badge. “Why you—why us? Can’t they take someone else?”

“They is no one else, Becky. Only me. I been tryin ta tell ye. I’m the only survivor—the only ghost left ta put ta rest. Ma stone be waitin fer me, Becky. Come.”

Paul led her toward the small cemetery that stood on a rise a short distance away. The two ignored all other plots and walked through to the one at the rear, off by itself. She shivered in his arms. A marker rested by the plot…his name freshly carved into it. Becky let out a scream, but Paul delicately silenced her, bringing her into his chest.

“This is it. Ma home. Ma restin place.”

“Please, don’t go, Paul, I love you…please….”

“I cain’t, it’s just the way it is. I have no control over’t, never did. I don’t know if I lived all I did, or just dreamt it. I know I never quite felt right in anythin I did. Maybe cause I was missed by the Reaper my livin just messed things up real bad and I’m the result. I cain’t ainswer’t.”

The advancing soldiers were now close enough to make out features. Federal and Confederate alike…side by side…they leveled their bayoneted muskets before them.

Etched in stone

Etched in stone

Take your place among the bone.

“I—I hafta go,” Paul said, suddenly doubling over in pain. Becky backed away in horror, as she saw a ghost soldier

(what color are they?)

yank his bayonet from Paul’s body. Intense rage and hatred filled the soldier’s face as he ripped free his iron spike.

“Paul!”

“It’s…okay. They don’t unnerstand—heck, I don’t neither. It’s just ma time ta go, as it was meant to be nearly a cent’ry and a half afor. Know that I loved ya, my dear, sweet Becky. Yer the one thing I never had in my life then—”

Paul again gasped, his whole body jerking from yet another ghostly impalement, this time from a fellow Zouave. Paul keeled over onto the ground and looked up to Becky, sweat pouring from his brow. Becky knelt beside him.

“They want me to stop dallyin, ma sweet. I been away long nough and they want me back. I have ta go.”

Paul stopped enough only to cough up blood. He brought himself shakily to his feet.

“G’bye, Becky. Put a flower on ma grave fer me, would ya, darlin’? I’ll always be dreamin a ya.”

A tear fell from an eye.

Becky clawed after him, but Paul Donner, Corporal, 5th New York Volunteer Infantry, hobbled towards his grave. More ghostly soldiers appeared and disappeared…impaling him on his march toward his marker. Finally standing before his plot, Corporal Donner turned to face Becky one last time, while another soldier came before him and raised his bayoneted rifle ready to strike—but hesitated.

Rather than spear him, the ghost brought its weapon upright against his side, stood at attention, and saluted. Corporal Donner saluted back.

Etched in stone

Back with bone

Home is home

And bone is bone.

Becky looked away and wept, and when she looked back…

He was gone.

As was the rest of the war.

Becky remained where she was, map clenched tightly against her heaving chest. The fog continued to cling and the humidity rose….

* * *

            The warm, early morning breeze kissed Becky’s hair as she placed daffodils on the grave, beside the remains of other flowers already there. She stepped away from the plot and looked out over the damp fields, wiping away a tear. She could hardly believe what had happened here a century and a half ago. What had happened here a week ago. But the words on the marker didn’t lie, though they could barely be made out after 130 years. She knew what they read and she wept. She knew he hadn’t been a dream.

How could he?

She was with child.

 

Corporal Paul Donner

5th N.Y. Volunteer Infantry

August 30, 1862

 

 

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Filed Under: Leisure, Metaphysical, Reincarnation, Short Story, Spooky, To Be Human, Writing Tagged With: Civil War, Duryée Zouave, First Bull Run, First Manassas, graves, Second Bull Run, Second Manassas, Twilight Zone, Undead, Virginia, Zouaves

Rainy Nights and Christmas Lights

January 8, 2016 by fpdorchak

Know Exactly Where I am. (Image by By Juliancolton [CC BY-SA 4.0, http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0], via Wikimedia Commons)
Know Exactly Where I am. (Image by By Juliancolton [CC BY-SA 4.0, http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0%5D, via Wikimedia Commons)
There is a restaurant in Manitou Springs, Colorado, called The Stagecoach Inn. It was an actual stagecoach inn in the 1800s. On the outside of the building are strings of lights. One beautiful rainy night my wife, me, and some of her family had gone to eat here, and as my wife and I held each other outside, she said “…rainy nights…and Christmas lights….”

You don’t say something like that within earshot of a writer and expect to get off lightly…especially by one who trucks in death, dreams, and the hereafter.

As I read it for the first time in years for this posting, it brought tears to my eyes. It is another of my favorites.

This story has never been published.

 

Rainy Nights and Christmas Lights

© F. P. Dorchak, 1993

 

Rainy nights and Christmas lights. That’s all I can think of. All I want to think of.

I only just stumbled into this…inn…moments ago, seeking relief from the bitter cold of an angry blizzard. It’s dark, but I don’t know the time because I no longer have my watch and it’s very desolate—not just for my own heart, but for the souls outside as well.

No one wanted to be out on a night like this and God only knew how long I stumbled about out there, dazed and disoriented. The weather, frigid and snowy for most of the day had turned more brutal, forcing all life in from the streets. I, too, searched for a place to take me in, but nobody would have me, everyone hurrying home for their own families. Was I a leper? It was only this inn that took me, and I had to barter my soul just to gain entrance.

Her name is Laura, and I love her like no other. I love her more than life itself.

Sure, we had our differences like everyone else, but nothing, nothing changed my deep unfaltering devotion for her. Not even the times she said she was leaving….

But now I sit before a raging fireplace in a darkened room, utterly alone. It’s cold, and the chill I feel cuts to my marrow. Just now I think I see a waiter or waitress behind me, but turning find no one.

I look about the room and see that it is small, by some standards, large by others…and has not quite a dozen tables, including those in the alcove to the far end. Each table has unlit candles and neatly placed silverware atop it. The shadows I see are disturbing and gnaw at me. It is all so vaguely familiar, this place, and I feel I should know it, but I…I feel disoriented.

Deep memories stir within, but nothing surfaces.

I am just as helpless as when—

Death.

I love her, oh dear God, how I love her!

Why is it that I alone survive?

Why should I have this cursed privilege! What I would gladly give to have her back! Why did not both of us perish—it is so much better that way, you know, to be together in death than alone in life!

Oh, how I curse God and all that is life! I curse the devil for the torture! I curse everything, except—

Rainy nights and Christmas lights.

That’s what she said, my Laura, the one with the beautiful hair and loving smile.

The one I was to marry…to begin a new life with.

Suddenly I rush to the front door and pull it open.

The wind, she wails and batters me back and I hear glass shatter as the door slams behind me into the wall. It is hideously cold, yet I don’t feel it. All I feel is the pain in my heart.

I do recognize the inn.

Rainy nights and Christmas lights.

Christmas lights….

There are Christmas lights strung out across this building, and as I stand there I know where I am. Know exactly where I am. This is the inn my love and I frequented when…when we were whole…but, worse than that, it is the place where my beloved Laura was so brutally ripped away from me!

I scream into the wind, to the innkeeper who admitted me. Here—you have my soul, why not also take my heart!—oh, why even to be created, only to die! Why is life nothing but torment! Why are we to love, only to lose?

Again I look to the lights.

Still, strangely, they are lit; out of place. I peer through the blinding, heavy snow, but see no others; no movement.

I am all there is.

There is nothing beyond the snow-covered flagstone steps I know are before me. Nothing exists beyond myself and this haunted inn. The lights. I remember

 

Standing out on this porch one rainy, summer night…my Laura wrapped around me…her breath warm against my neck. We gaze lovingly at each other stretching out the moment to eternity.

“Rainy nights,” she bubbles.

“What?” I ask.

“Rainy nights…and Christmas lights!” she blurts triumphantly, radiantly.

I adore her smile and know, right there, why it is I love her.

“Rainy nights, and Christmas lights,” she says again, still beaming.

“That is so beautiful!” I proclaim, and hug her tightly.

“Hold me,” she whispers sweetly into my ears and mine alone, “hold me and don’t ever let me go.”

I knew I’d marry her someday.

 

But the tears now freeze to my face and the wind rips me apart.

Take this too, Devil, take all there is I have left!

My voice is nearly gone and I tear into my clothes to get at my heart—that eternally pumping and vile thing! Fingers unfeeling, I cut into my skin and bring forth blood, but it, too, freezes, and I realize I am truly—truly—doomed—unable to even take my own life!

I slump forward to the snowy porch and bury my hands and face. Rainy nights.

And Christmas lights.

 

So I am resigned to the fate of this dispossessed inn. It seems fitting that I should be held here, a place my love and I so enjoyed. It is so fitting to be forced to relive those moments, those memories…the moment…of her death.

Her death.

 

We had finished dining, leaving the building for a stroll. Ever the adventurous soul, she had leapt upon the ledge of a stone which guarded the creek below. I remember how the water was still visible, unfrozen.

And…the rocks.

I had hoped she wouldn’t fall and rushed to her—

 

“May I take your order, sir?”

Startled, I spill my coffee and send the porcelain cup skittering across the room to shatter somewhere. I look up and see, in the dark and standing entirely motionless, a waitress of ageless beauty. I could barely breathe, yet spare a word.

“W-what? Who-who are you?”

“Your order, sir, do you care to order?”

She placed a menu before me. I stared at it for an eternity…then lifted my head to look out the windows. All I see is the storm, which has increased its intensity, if that be possible. I also notice that I have gripped the edges of my table in a mighty hold, knuckles most assuredly bone-white.

The fire crackles.

“I-I already ate,” I said.

“As you wish,” she says, most politely, and withdraws the menu.

“B-but I could use some more coffee,” I continue. All she did was turn…and smile. I could have sworn she spoke, but I did not, for the life of me, see her lips move.

I’m sure you could, she said.

I know it was dark, and I know I am not in the most stable of minds, but I know what I experienced. She spoke…but did not move her lips.

I blink. She is gone.

I need my woman and I need her now! Forever! I cannot and will not live this way!

The pain is unendurable!

How does one survive?

How can others live through what I continue to grieve over? Nothing means anything to me anymore! As much as I don’t want to dwell on my beloved’s death, I feel compelled—it was our last few moments together…the last time we kissed, held each other…gazed into each other’s eyes or felt the warmth of each other’s touch.

I so desperately want to die and be among the dead with her!

I attempt yet again to get at my heart, my wrists, with knives…forks…broken glasses…but am without strength. Instead, I collapse upon my table and heave great tears into the wood….

I remember my arms reaching out to her.

One moment she stood atop the wall…pirouetting beautifully and telling me how much she loved me and would never, ever leave me—and the next—the next moment I reach out for her and clutch only air…huge fists full of it…and watch helplessly as she tumbles over the side like newly falling snow…drifting down, down…ever downward…

(Christmas lights…)

in her grasp. I watch until I can bear it no longer….

 

“Your coffee, sir.”

I bolt upright. A busboy is pouring fresh coffee into a new cup. His back is to the fire and he seems aglow. His smile is genuine, but he, like the shadows, scares me.

“Where—”

“Nowhere, sir,” he says, and fades from view back into the shadows, his Cheshire smile the last to go. I look to the coffee poured and it remains, small curls of ghostly white steam disappearing into the dark. I touch the cup and find it warm. Solid.

“I don’t want coffee! I want Laura!”

I pound the table. Again.

And again.

I drift off.

 

Time has again passed, and, as I have already told you, I know not how much, but it is still evil and blinding without, dark and foreboding within. I watch the spoils of snow as it batters against the windows of the alcove, and there are times I feel the building shudder, or think so.

Maybe it is just me.

The fire is still alight, though I have yet to touch it.

Where did that gentleman who admitted me go off to?

The shadows close in on me. Something is different.

Rainy nights, and Christmas Lights.

She had grabbed Christmas lights….

That’s all I want back. I want that summer night again, I want her back! I will gladly mortgage my soul again to have her! Anything, I just want that moment to remain, to never change. I want to spend that moment in eternity with my Laura. She is all I live for…all I want to die for….

Yet cannot die.

This I know for some strange reason, but I shall try one more time. I look to the fire and spy a poker. Going to it, I raise it and touch it to my chest; feel its dull accusation. Stoking my emotions, I raise the weapon with mighty intent—but alas, it misses its mark and strikes the wall above the hearth instead. I anchor the handle end into a wall, the point placed firmly over my heart…and ram myself forward…but it slides harmlessly off. I attempt yet one more blow, but it is again deflected, this time pulled from my hands as if by some unseen force.

I pound my fists into the wall.

Laura! Why has this happened?

I want so much to die and join you—I no longer wish to bear this tragedy!

I collapse at my table and once more try to dream

Of rainy nights and Christmas lights.

But hear a door open.

Something is different….

I hear footsteps and look up.

A figure is in the doorway. Stands still.

“Who…are you?” I ask. “I can take this no longer! Please, take me, I am yours!”

I cry, my blood long since cold, my senses frayed. I hope the figure to be Death’s messenger, finally come for me.

“I know,” the figure says, and it is a soft, pleasant voice.

I rocket to my feet, chair spilling out behind me.

I know that voice!

“Laura?”

Unstable, I grip the table for support. Again, I ask, “Laura—i-is that…you?”

“Yes,” she answers, moving out from the shadows. “I am here, my dear.”

It is her, there is no mistake! As sure as I live, it is her!

“But—but you had died!”

She smiles ever so lovingly as she approaches.

“No, my love, it was not me who died. I had grabbed a string of the Christmas lights…and when you saved me from falling by diving for me…you fell yourself. Don’t you remember?”

My throat is suddenly dry. I collapse to my knees.

“But—that would make you—”

“—dead? Yes, I am indeed.”

Still she smiles, unaffected by her words.

My heart pounds, rises to my throat.

I choke.

I love her so much!

I touch her and find her as cold as I am.

“H-how?”

“Does it really matter?” she asks casually, “I am here.”

Standing before me, she reaches down and I grasp her hand. She pulls me to my feet and I notice she places an empty prescription bottle on the table.

I say nothing.

“Tell me how much you love me,” she says, drawing in close to me.

I see the concern on her face…feel the tears on mine and cry, “I love you with all my heart and soul and will always—ever—be there for you!”

“And I, you, my darling. I love you more than life itself!”

And so I know.

 

We sit at our table…together at last…and gaze into the fire. Our hands are tight and true, our hearts one. The blizzard still rages, but I no longer care. As we look to each other, we are no longer cold.

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Filed Under: Leisure, Metaphysical, Short Story, Spooky, To Be Human, Writing Tagged With: Blizzards, Christmas Lights, Ghosts, Haunted Restaurants, Inns, Manitou Springs, Rainy Nights, Short Stories, Snow, The Stagecoach Inn, Twilight Zone, Winter

The Ice Gods

January 1, 2016 by fpdorchak

There Is No Turning Back. (Image by Ernest Frederic Neve, 1861 [No restrictions], via Wikimedia Commons)
The Ice Gods, They Call Me…. (Image by Ernest Frederic Neve, 1861 [No restrictions], via Wikimedia Commons)

I am fascinated by desolation. Don’t know why.

Throw in ice and snow and I’m fascinated by that desolation even more.

H. P. Lovecraft’s At The Mountains of Madness is one of my favorite stories of his, so I’m sure there’s some influence there…though, as I remember it, there is little similarity between the two….

I grew up in snow and cold. Maybe I’m still trying to thaw out those harsh Adirondack winters from my marrow, but snowscaped desolation utterly fascinates me.

Are we really alone in all that desolation?

This story has never been published.

The Ice Gods

© F. P. Dorchak, 1992

 

Alone.

Cold.

I am surrounded by white.

Where am I?

It’s so cold….

I remember pain. I remember…I don’t quite know what I remember…but I can’t move. My arms, they hurt. White hurt. I hear howling—a lonely, empty howling. The wind.

I’m so alone.

Eyes. I must try to open my eyes…I have to get to the top.

I move…hear crunching….

 

I’ve opened my eyes, and wished I hadn’t.

I’m lying on the side of a wind-swept and snow-covered mountain. All I can see is blinding white. I move my hands about me—and feel the snow crunch. It sounds like wicked Styrofoam. It’s so cold.

How did I get here? What am I doing here (besides hurting)?

I feel like I’ve been thrown thousands of feet. Craning my neck (and gasping at the snow that hungrily rushes down my back) I see cliffs of white and silver above. I look off to my right, my up-and-behind-me-right, and see a bundle jutting out from the snow. It’s covered in the hellish stuff. I cannot make out what it is.

How I hate white.

 

It’s getting late, or so I fathom from the setting sun as it ducks behind the jagged peaks above. I have to get there…the peaks, I mean…don’t know why, just that I must.

The bundle behind me is a pack…mine I assume, considering I’m the only one I see. I’m scared…but know I can survive. I seem to remember doing this before….

The pack has everything I need—food, flashlights, tools—a fire-starting kit, ice saws, and a tent. As I root around my body I find an ice pick and one snowshoe. I struggle to all fours. A few yards above me I find the other one. But still, not another soul. No explanations. Barely…I get to my feet.

I head upward.

 

It’s grown dark, and…like I’ve said before…I’m scared. But as I sit in my tent against this ice outcropping and watch the fading sun, I look at the deep, lonely blues that eerily crawl across the deserted snowscape. I’m overcome by emotion as I enjoy its unparalleled magnificence. If only I had some way to catch these wondrous images forever! Such raw being. Such intense desolation. I listen to the ice crack and thunder, and it echoes deep within me. Cries out to me….

No, I really mean it—it actually cries out my name….

 

Okay…you think me crazy…ice boulders crying out my name—then you surely won’t believe this.

I left camp at first light and traveled for what seemed a lifetime. I came upon another boulder…and as I did, thought I spied the image of a man upon it…frozen, disfigured. The form lay with its back against the boulder, and what would be its left arm, outstretched…its head twisted sideways. As I came closer I grew fascinated by the image. I could not take my eyes from it. Then other images, mental ones, began to crowd my mind. At first they screamed past too fast to grasp—not unlike the lonely and hollow wind that is my constant companion (for the wind has never let up since I regained consciousness and neither has the blowing snow). I worried about snow blindness, but found—much to my disbelief—goggles. I had kicked them up during my passage through the snowfields. There truly must be ice gods watching o’er me, for surely nothing else here survives….

Save me.

But the images. They are cold and monstrous….I remember something about others…a terrible and brutal accident of some enormity. We were…we were ascending this mountain and something ghastly occurred….

Where is everyone?

Why is it I alone survive?

So I approached this image and found it was more than just light and snow—it was a man—or had been. He was obviously dead. I couldn’t recognize his face for his features were brutally deformed and frozen. Into the rock.

I passed the man and continued upward.

 

I awaken the following morning to find myself in a cold sweat. Not a good thing for one in my position. I recall hatred from my fellow climbers. I’m not sure why just yet. It hadn’t always been like that, the hatred, but had come about suddenly. I think…I think it was something I—I—did.

I feel dread.

It rips through me like this infernal wind.

 

The cracking sounds from the mountain top were much closer last night. Banging at my back door. I recalled images of pain. Faces of torment. And screams. Of a fight with my fellows.

My fingers look funny.

 

Nothing much to tell today, except that I seem to have traveled in circles.

I know this because I again found the frozen man. Only this time he was more frozen. I-I mean to say that—y-you must bear with me, now, for I feel my mind beginning to seize—but I could swear that he had gone into the boulder he was frozen against. Into it, I say! When I first saw him he was against the rock. This time h-he was as if sunken into it, a-at the waist.

I’m not crazy.

Am I?

Then why am I talking to myself?

 

Oh, the d-deep, frigid-b-blue of the snow and ice is s-s-so grand! The thunder of the ice boulders d-deafening!

 

The Ice Gods came to me in my dreams last night.

They told me not to w-worry about my images. They told me I’m lonely and confused in my s-snowbound s-s-solitude. They also told me not to be afraid.

They would g-guide me.

 

I recall…f-fighting with my companions.

One of them had fallen into a crevasse. We were arguing over whether to go after him, because he had gone silent and hadn’t answered our calls. They wanted me to g-go, but I was…afraid. I might not have made it b-back, I reasoned. They didn’t listen.

I have come upon a snowshoe. There’s a foot in it.

The Ice Gods told me to take the foot.

 

I’m near the mountain top.

I still do not know why it is I f-feel I have to make this trek…but I’m driven. No—

P-pulled.

I feel it is the Ice Gods who beckon…and I’m not all that f-frightened anymore. The Ice Gods protect me. They told me my f-fingers were against me, that I should do something about them or I might not make it.

So I took my ice pick to them.

 

The g-ground shudders from the thunder of the splitting ice above. I have trouble s-sleeping. I miss my f-fingers…though I keep them wrapped with me…like the f-foot.

The Ice Gods t-told me—

 

That I’m almost there.

I’m out of f-food, so I used the f-f-foot. At first I hadn’t removed the toenails and h-had a hard time chewing. I learn quickly.

I don’t like t-toenails.

 

A funny thing happened to me tonight, I went to crack my knuckles, and—

 

The crevasse.

The men had wanted me rescue that g-guy…but I refused. He’s probably dead, I reasoned, so why waste the energy? They cursed me. One struck me and threw down a rope, then began to go down himself. He wouldn’t listen to r-reason. Said I had gone snow-blind in the head. I said he’d gone snow-blind in the h-head. We’d only been out there…I don’t know how long, I don’t remember. All I remember is the white.

White pain.

I rub my arms…the pain is all but gone.

It feels g-good to be here. V-very, very g-good.

My toes feel funny now, too, but I’m not going to look at them. I know what the Ice Gods will say and I don’t want to m-miss my t-toes.

 

A terrible thing happened t-today. I came across another body.

Where do they come from?

I didn’t recognize it, either. Its clothing didn’t look familiar. Must not have c-come from my p-party—

Mine?

Was I the leader? Leading an ascent? But I seem to remember already being t-there—and seeing something.

S-something that sent us back.

What s-something?

I feel it has to do with the crevasse. With that man. In it. And the man who had g-gone down for him. The one who’d h-hit me.

I didn’t like that. He wouldn’t listen to reason. He had to stay down there. Had to, I t-told him. But he wouldn’t listen…so I c-cut his rope. The others around me went crazy.

I remember now.

They went crazy and tried to k-kill me. But the Ice Gods, they were my f-friends. They didn’t let the others k-kill me.

Only I saw reason.

 

It all comes back to me, n-now.

I know my reason for the climb. I have to get there.

I don’t have much time.

I n-no longer f-feel my toes and my other fingers are st-st-stiff. The Ice Gods are anxious to see me and I mustn’t d-dis-a-p-p-point them. They’ve helped me so f-f-far.

Tonight I eat my f-fingers. Tomorrow—

Tomorrow I meet the Ice Gods.

The white Ice Gods of thunder.

 

I left my tent, pack, and s-snowshoes behind. They’d only slow me down.

All I need are my c-crampons. It’s all ice now. I have my Ice Gods to g-guide me. T-that’s what t-they d-do….

The going was more d-difficult without my other fingers, and the loss of f-feeling in my t-toes…but I p-pushed. A little p-pain is a good thing, even if n-numb. I’m so high now there’s little o-oxygen. My lungs b-burn.

I recall the f-fight.

The remaining two men’d looked at me in amazement as I c-cut the one loose. We’d heard him scream all the way d-down. Heard him scream at the b-bottom. He hadn’t been alone down there. There was something with him. The others had attacked me with their picks. I blocked some of the swings, and remember the hurt in my arms. I managed to throw one down, but had to fight off the other with my own p-pick. My back to the downed man, I heard a scream, and my opponent dropped his attack, his face b-blank and white as the snow. I took the opportunity to bury my pick deep into his n-neck. He clutched at it as he collapsed. I must have pierced his vocal cords, because he made no n-noise as he went down, except for that f-funny, hissing…g-gurgle. After I saw him to the ground (and put my foot on his shoulder to rip free my pick), I turned around. That was when I s-s-saw them.

You-know-who-them.

 

I’m really n-numb now, but it’s okay….

I’m t-there.

The sight is f-f-fantastic.

Gorgeous.

I thought the frigid b-blue of where I’d been was b-beautiful…but it holds n-nothing to what is before me. The Ice Gods are p-pleased, and so am I.

I have c-come h-h-home.

The others wanted to f-flee. They’d been up here with me and had fled in t-terror. That was why the one fell into the crevasse. Been c-careless. Ran without c-checking his s-steps. S-stupid man. And the others? They’d had to d-die because they had seen what I now s-see. They should have wanted to come b-back…l-like m-me.

This is so unbelievably b-beautiful. Jagged ice c-crystals everywhere, and each one with a body f-frozen within it. All sorts of bodies…from different t-times…d-different p-places. All frozen into ice boulders and c-crystals. All asleep and p-peaceful. All waiting for me to join them.

And I will.

Just as s-soon as I see the setting sun and hear the c-crack of t-thunder….

 

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Filed Under: Short Story, Spooky, To Be Human, Writing Tagged With: Desolation, Ice, Madness, Mountain Climbing, Mountains, Publishing, Short Stories, Snow, Twilight Zone

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