F. P. Dorchak

Speculative Fiction (New Weird) Author

Greg Dorchak

Again, With the Code Enforcer, Already?

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Class Clown Pictures © FOREVER
Class Clown Pictures © FOREVER

This is me pushing my brother’s current project.

Now, usually, by “pushing my brother” it’d mean something sophomoric, like, into a wall, down a flight of stairs, or into another in the checkout line, but since we’re theoretically older and wiser, it now means I’m “helping,” by pushing a project of his. And by “project,” I mean “a thing,” not to project…unless you mean, “projecting into the future (the near future…), which is where this project (“a thing”) is, and to which we are helping….

Geesh, writing is hard.

Okay, whatever, just click here: http://www.seedandspark.com/studio/code-enforcer

Since there’s no “share” for the above funny video, please to click and view. It’s, like, three minutes. You can do that standing at the toilet this morning (or sitting, as you prefer; I don’t judge). It is HOA Code Enforced approved (HOACEApvd, #HOACEApvd).

My brother, Greg Dorchak, Tim Cunningham, et al, are pushing their crowdfunding endeavor, “Code Enforcer,” a comedic independent film they’re looking to get financial backing for. For which they are looking to get financial backing. I’ve posted about this before, it’s been an ongoing project of his, and the teaser videos are über great (“funny,” not  “large”), so I hope you’ll take a couple minutes out of your day, whether or not you’re standing before a toilet, to check it out, and head over to Seed & Spark and also help them out (and also please check the “Follow,” which is like “Fellow,” but without the “e.” And has an extra “o.” But isn’t “extra” in that it isn’t needed, cause it really is, or you’d think the word was “fellow.” And it isn’t even associated wholly or in part with the whole Seed & Sparks thing, so I don’t know why I even bothered to mention the damned thing…). I did, parts of my family did (won’t tell you which parts), but we were heavily threatened and badgered into doing so. But, it’s all good, right?

Greg’s been in a variety of things, and by “variety,” I mean lots of different things. And here (love the Creativity Captured one the best). He’s been in a national Jimmy John’s commercial that played lots during baseball season, and has been in movies, like “Miss Congeniality” (he was one of several “FBI Man in Background,” though no credits were given for the extras).

(It’s not that all his other movies were like “Miss Congeniality,” i.e., “Miss Congeniality” 2 and 3, or that they all involved a hot female FBI agent who undercovers as a beauty contestant, but that he was in movies, as in [“e.g.,”] “a” movie, such as one “like” [“for example,” that’s what that “e.g.” means] one called “Miss Congeniality”….)

Are you as annoyed with me, right now, as much as I am with myself?

So, this is me pushing my brother’s current project.

This is me being a Tweet Whore (which is exhausting, see all my retweets this morning…).

And this is you, checking out Code Enforcer stuff.

Thanks for being you.

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Can You Have What It Takes?

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This is the final and updated version of my Renaissance Man-brother’s teaser for his “Code Enforcer” comedy. That’s him as CMCE (Chief Master Code Enforcer) Vern Speiner. He’s still looking for investors, so, please, forward this around if you know anyone who might have an interest and some money they’re looking to invest—or do so yourself, if interested, since anyone can help out (I did, and got a cool T-shirt! Yeah, that’s fight, I got the T-shirt…).

If you think you have what it takes, you, too, can be the proud enforcificationer of such vague HOA guidelines, suggestions, and guesswork as waste container replacification, compulsory grass cuttery, and lawn decoratory practices. And give out citations for code flauting and backsassing.

There is to be no flauting.

And you get a cool patch, to boot.

So…can you have what it takes?

Click Here. Really. Come on….

Pizza Never Weeps

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Hard-Boiled Private Dick Sam Spade mysteriously wakes up 70 years after the case of the Maltese Falcon to a world he’s not quite prepared for…but not afraid of, either. Another short from my Renaissance Man brother, Greg, of Class Clown Pictures.

Pizza never weeps.

Find Your Soul Paint!

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Once again, my “Renaissance Man” brother has a new set of commercials out. Love the whole “soul paint” concept! He’s the commentating, red-vest-sporting, paint-wearing guy that might remind one of Kevin James. Or Greg Dorchak. And, yes, that was real paint dumped on him. Milk-based paint, not that lead-based stuff. So…okay, maybe he’s not a real tough guy. It was only milk. Based. And he got a rash.

Woo.

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Class Clown Pictures—Interview with the Head Clown

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Today I’m interviewing one of the founders of a brand new film production company called,  Class Clown Pictures, headquartered in Texas. I’ve known him nearly my entire life. We both came from humble beginnings and have had to hone our wit to a fine and deadly Krav Maga edge on the mean streets of rural America to survive this crazy world, and though we’ve been separated most of our adult lives, I still know things about him, and tonight, I’m gonna dish—I mean interview him. He’s one of the funniest guys around (not the funniest, mind you, but, you know, he can hold his own, and, well, even make some money at it…). Him and the rest of the “two-guys-a-girl-and-no-pizza-place” have formed this company to “make funny movies,” and by “make funny movies,” I mean indie movies, and by “indie movies”  I mean—well…I don’t quite know what I mean, so I’ll let Greg Dorchak, Writer/director/producer/actor, tell his story. Note: when someone has all those positions listed after their name, it either means they’re multi-talented…or they can’t hold a job.

F. P. Dorchak: Good morning.

Greg Dorchak: I thought you just said “toni—”

FP: Now, just for the record and in the interest of full disclosure, you are my brother, correct?

GD: Do I have to be happy with it? No? Then, yes, I’m your brother.

FP: But you’re not my only brother, is that right?

GD: I am, in fact, the only one that matters.

FP: But you’re not my favorite.

GD: Immaterial. Continue.

FP: Who is my favorite brother? Do you know? Say it.

GD: My favorite is Brudda Iz; not sure about yours…but, I’ll bet he ain’t as big as Iz. Was.

FP: Say it. I want to hear you say it.

GD: Fuuuuuuuudddddgggggee. Okay, It’s me.

FP: Nope, you’re wrong—it’s me. So, I hear you’ve created a production company.

GD: Yes ma’am—Class Clown Pictures.

FP: To do what?

GD: Well, I’m married, so “to get chicks” is out. But really, I created it to basically “make funny movies.”

FP: What makes you think you’re qualified?

GD: Meh, who is ever qualified to do anything? However I have been an actor for many years, and a writer, and a director and a cartoonist blah blah blah…I think I know funny when I see it. I did stand-up comedy at 17, then improv, then got into film—I’ve been doing this for a LOT of years.

FP: So, you think you’re funny?

GD: Oh man, and how.

FP: Say something funny.

GD: Your mother.

FP: Really.

GD: Your mother.

FP: I have to admit that I did catch your stand-up act—in Vegas, no less—and loved how you rolled that drunk, afterward.

FP: OK…so, why a duck?  Tell us some more. Who are these “other people” I’ve never seen, and what are their “jobs”? Or are “they” all really just another Hollywood scam so you can pretend “Oooh, I’m a Big Important Producer, now, and you’re just a lowly tech writer….” or “I have a Casting Couch and you just have a widdle wiggly Yoga Chair,” or—

GD: Okaaaay….

GD: Well the other people, Tim and Shara, listed on the site are friends and work acquaintances, and we help each other out. Tim has been in the biz for a long time, he and his two brothers do Grade A special effects and CG (FP: here’s a link for some of their work). I’ve been in two of his films. If you have seen a super hero movie, or a monster movie, or a sword and wizard movie—they probably worked on it. Shara has been a producer for photography shoots, music videos, film, you name it. And we have an extensive network—

FP: And by “network” you mean “slept around”?

GD: —of other industry folk to fill out where we need it. This is Texas—you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone in the biz. And we have TRIED.

FP: Fine. Are there any specific types (e.g., slapstick, high brow, toilet humor?) of comedy you intend on making?

GD: Anything with a humorous bent: Romantic comedy, dark comedy, Dramedy, fantasy, family—anything that has a strong comedic/humorous tone.

FP:  Is Steve Martin going to be in any of them?

GD: You know I wanted to get him for one of our other projects—not sure if that will work…but I can has dreams.

FP: I really like Steve Martin.

GD: Me as well.

FP: Steve Martin’s pretty funny.

GD: Comedy is not pretty.

FP: How about Ben Stiller?

GD: Not so much.

FP: C’mon, put Steve in one of your movies!

GD: Give me 30 grand.

FP: You got my fifty bucks, quite whining. And, I’m still waiting on my T-shirt. So, you have any projects in the oven?

GD: Yes—our first one out of the shoot (pun intended) is one that I think a lot of folks can relate to, and so will have a huge following—it deals with one of the perils of home/property ownership: Homeowners’ Associations.

FP: Rat bastards.

GD: Rat bastards.

FP: I hear you like giving wedgies. Can you explain that?

GD: Well it’s like this: every studio out there has to start somewhere—and this is where we are starting. Even big studios have to find money somewhere—they just have more people to go to, plus they have a track record. We are a new company—though we have all been in the biz a long time. We have to prove ourselves, we have to build that track record. And that takes a weensy bit of money to start. I got a chunk of my own cash in it as well.

FP: Why should I give you money before you make the movie?  Doesn’t that seem…backward?

GD: Can I say “LOL” here?

FP: OMG!

GD: There ain’t no movie if there ain’t no money. We have to get the ball rolling. In indie productions, a lot of times if you can sign some name talent to your film, it is easier to attract investors (not to be confused with donations). But to get those actors, you do have to pay them something. That’s why we are asking for financial support at this point in time. You are a writer, yes? You have self-published a book, yes? You self-published to get a book in print to build credibility—for people to see your work. Is it easier to publish a book with or without money?

FP: The literary world ain’t so enamored with “indie” work as is the film world. But, wait a minute—then I’m again supposed to give you money once you make the damn thing? Hey—

GD: Well—ummm…yes…but, indirectly at that point….

FP: You think mom likes you best, don’t you.

GD: She told as much. MANY times.

FP: Well, you’re wrong—it’s Chris. So, tell us about your creative process. Does it really involve a dialog with your hairy-assed navel?

GD: My navel is one of the few people who really understands me. My creative process is really all over the place—like that video on my site (FP: see “Creativity Captured”). Sometimes I will go months with no ideas, then PWAMM, I get a bug up my ass—can I say “bug?”—and I go off at a tear for weeks and weeks. The one thing I can always count on though—is that I will have the ideas, and I will get the thing done.

FP: And that’s why you had Tim and Shara. To pick up your slack. You know, I got to drive the tractor first, when we were kids.

GD: You got to drive the tractor first because dad knew that was the best you were ever going to do. Plus, I played stupid for a reason.

FP: Yeah, and we all know what that “reason” is.

FP: You know, all those bruises you got when we were kids? They weren’t from me. You kept falling into things on your own. And—one time? I saw you hide in a closet and punch yourself in the face. Three times. True story.

GD: You know that time I said Crackers pooped in your pillow case…?

FP: Well, they have a name for “cutting” yourself; they should also have a name for beating yourself….

GD: That was out of line, Senator.  Wait a minute…are we talking about masturbation? Because I told you I thought it was a snake attacking me.

FP: Oooh, Comment approprié: a producer wrestling with his snake. Okay, any parting shots for our audience, Mr. Funny Man?

GD: Visit our site, www.classclownpictures.com—click on the “wedgie” link and please donate and or share the link with your friends and family—it will be so cool when the film comes to be a part of the process—brag to your friends—and when we do make it—we will take care of those who took care of us. Also, my IQ is eight points higher than yours, Frank.

FP: Well, eights point higher than nothing is still…hey, well…it’s been great having you, Bro—I mean, “Mr. Dorchak.” And I am older than you, so I will be looking forward to that “care” you talk about. Anyway, thanks for enduring my hard-hitting, Barbara Walters-like, no-holds-barred interview (Anderson Cooper would be proud). I truly wish you all the best in your Class Clowns Pictures—and I want my T-shirt. XL.

GD: It was fun being here, Frank. This was my very first interview as Head Clown; I hope I didn’t ruin your couch with my tears.

FP: NP. But you kept honking that damned horn during this interview and your big floppy shoes kept gettin’ in the way.

Portions of this interview were pre-recorded. None of the views and opinions expressed in this interview were from anyone important. This interview is not suitable for children nor adults. There is a one day limited warranty on this interview. No horses were hurt in the shooting of this interview, but some feelings might have been. I hope. I used the rototiller when we were kids and he never did. Oooh, he’s such a Big Important Guy, now! Eight points. He’s not smarter than me. He’s such a liar. But he’s funny. I’ve seen his Vegas Stand-up act, he was pretty good. Blah x 3. Copyright today. IMCCVIIX12.